


Half The World Away

by orphan_account



Category: Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018) Actor RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Teenagers, Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, Idiots in Love, Long-Distance Friendship, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pining, Queen (Band) References, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-14
Updated: 2020-03-23
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:26:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 60,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22703164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: ben._jones: aww I'm glad, I've always wanted an internet best friend. *gets down on one knee* will you be my internet best friend?ya.average.joe: *insert pic of roger falsetto* ILL BE YOUR INTERNET BEST FRIENDTwo queen stans decide to do the awkward tradition of texting a mutual, and it honestly couldn't have gone better.*title chapters taken from lyrics of the brilliant Oasis song Half The World Away*
Relationships: Ben Hardy/Joe Mazzello, Lucy Boynton/Rami Malek
Comments: 22
Kudos: 17





	1. i would like

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two tumblr mutuals do that thing everyone does; text a mutual in hopes of gaining a friend, and as always, it starts off incredibly awkward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy my lovelies!

** jurrassicbaseballqueen ** **\+ fckingqueenstan**

****jurrassicbaseballqueen:** ** _so, ya like Roger Taylor?_

** fckingqueenstan ** _ : I do. _

** jurrassicbaseballqueen ** _ : oml so do I but like, so does the majority of the population probs so it isn't anything special lol _

** fckingqueenstan ** _ : true, but looking at your posts you're always up for defending deaky, as am I! I mean if I'm taking a direct quote, "hi dad." _

** jurrassicbaseballqueen ** _ : yeah we look crazy similar he could litterally be my dad. So far a total of 4 people have believed me when I say he's my father _

** fckingqueenstan ** _ : ... we have very different meanings of the word "dad" >U< I wasn't expecting that tho oml. Ur very funny, can we be friends? _

** jurrassicbaseballqueen ** _ : ya sure I'd love to _

** fckingqueenstan ** _ : nice!!! I'm Ben, I know, a boring name but Benjamin is too long for me. _

** jurrassicbaseballqueen ** _ : boring? Pfft, it's not boring! I think it's quite a... peaceful name! I mean, my names Joseph, but Joe to everyone but my family, and you can't get more average than your average Joe _

** fckingqueenstan ** _ : peaceful? Well that's the first time I've heard that one, I won't lie, but thank you!! Joe is a lovely name too! Do you have an Instagram? I'm more active on there if I'm honest _

** jurrassicbaseballqueen ** _ : lol same aha. @/ya.average.joe is mah user _

** fckingqueenstan ** _ : okay lemme add up now _

^^^^^

_**@ben._jones has** _ _**requested** _ _**to follow you** _

  
**_Request accepted!_ **

^^^^^

** ben._jones **

_ oh hey. long time no talk. _

_ JK 😂😂 _

_ OMG yh  _ _ been _ _ so long lmao _

_ I just want to say really quick that I don't do  _ _ this _ _ stuff _ _. Y'know, talk to people, make friends, so if I'm awkward and stuff I am very sorry. _

_ Don't be  _ _ sorry _ _ lol.  _ _ I'm _ _ a nervous wreck too, so we can be nervous  _ _ wrecks _ _ together and  _ _ have _ _ multiple breakdowns... together! _

_ Why did  _ _ that _ _ actually make me feel better? _

_ I have that ability to know what to say to others to make you feel good but can't do it to myself. It's a gift and a curse I guess! 😂 _

_ I will help you. _

_ Aww thank you. Much  _ _ needed _ _ ❤ _

_ Tis okay. _

_ We will be okay. _

_ Maybe. _

_ I mean. _

_ Yeah. _

_ Maybe. _

_ Oh god  _ _ I'm _ _ being awkward. _

_ Sorry. _

_ It comes with the package of being a brit; the constant need to  _ _ apologise _ _ and be awkward. Sorry. _

_ Fack _

_ Nah dw bout it  _ _ I'm _ _ kinda the same lol. And  _ _ you're _ _ a brit?  _ _ That's _ _ cool.  _ _ I'm _ _ a new  _ _ Yorker _ _ born _ _ and raised but  _ _ I _ _ move around the area a bit, like  _ _ I _ _ started a new school a  _ _ year _ _ ago but is okay yknow, at least  _ _ I _ _ wasnt changing  _ _ halfway _ _ through _ _ the beginning of high school,  _ _ eventhough _ _ was only like half the year away _

_ Wait when tf do you start high  _ _ school _ _ then _ _?_

_ Because  _ _ I'm _ _ in  _ _ high school _ _ and  _ _ I'm _ _ in my  _ _ penultimate _ _ year of it _ _..._

_ Wait how old are you  _ _ then _ _ cos  _ _ I'm _ _ 15 and a freshman obv _

_ You say freshman and  _ _ I _ _ just wanna know why  _ _ you're _ _ fresh... _

_ What does that mean? _

_ I'm _ _ in year 10 so  _ _ I _ _ finish high  _ _ school _ _ next year. _

_ And  _ _ I'm _ _ 15 too, my birthday was like two weeks ago. _

_ Well shit _

_ Theres four years of high school _

_ Freshman,  _ _ sophomore _ _ , junior and senior _

_ You start age 14 so in ninth grade _

_ And finish age 18 in  _ _ twelfth _ _ grade _

_ Well we start high  _ _ school _ _ age 11 in year seven and finish when you do your GCSEs in year 11 at age 16, so  _ _ you're _ _ there  _ _ for _ _ five years. _

_ And in year 11 you finish the year early because exams are all you need to do so  _ _ once _ _ they're _ _ out the way- _

_ Mkay listen  _ _ I'm _ _ really _ _ lazy and  _ _ I _ _ cant be arsed to  _ _ type _ _ this out so hold on _ _... (there are videos sending but my connection is shite.)_

_Dont you_ _mean_ _shit_

_No_ _I_ _mean shite._

_Is that even a word_

_Yeeyee._

_ **Video** _  
_ **Video** _  
_ **Video** _  
_ **Video** _  
_ **Video** _  
_ **Video** _  
_ **Video** _  
_ **Video** _  
_ **Photo** _  
_ **Photo** _

_ Those probably sent out of order but  _ _ I _ _ cant be arsed to explain so  _ _ you're _ _ going  _ _ to _ _ have to deal with it sorry. _

_ OMLYOUREBLONDE _

_ YOUREGORGEOUS _

_ I mean  _ _ I'm _ _ not but thaaaaaaaaaaanks! _

_ Andyourvoiceisjust _

_ I love it _

_ Where about are you from like  _ _ London _ _? _

_ Is that the only city others know? _

_ Hmnsusegwbwu _

_ Well no  _ _ I'm _ _ from Bournemouth which isn't too far from London but isn't exactly close to it. _

_ I dare you to name a city apart from london no cheating. Just off the top of your head _

_ Barcelona _

_ BARCELONA _

_ HAHAHAHAHAHA _

_ BARCEFUCKINGLONA _

_ HEHEHEHEHEHEHE _

_ okay  _ _ Michael _ _ Jackson _ _ so  _ _ I _ _ might only know london but could  _ _ you _ _ name  _ _ cities _ _ and states over here? _

_ Yes _

_ Because it  _ _ is _ _ America _ _._

_ And everyone knows America _ _._

_ But anyway- _

_ Why don't y o u explain your education  _ _ system _ _ because  _ _ I'm _ _ bored and  _ _ it's late _ _ but not too late and  _ _ I _ _ want to now these things and  _ _ I _ _ wanna see what you look like and  _ _ that's _ _ not in a  _ _ creepy _ _ way  _ _ or _ _ anything  _ _ I _ _ stg _

_ Think John Richard Deacon _

_ Nowthinkofhisson _

_ That's _ _ me _

_ And Ughwuwu fine okay give me a couple minutes _

_Owkway_

_:)_

_ **Video** _  
_ **Video** _  
_ **Video** _  
_ **Video** _  
_ **Photo** _  
_ **Video** _

_ That's _ _ all  _ _ you're _ _ getting _

_ Fucking hell. _

_ You  _ _ really _ _ do look like him. _

_ When  _ _ I _ _ first got into queen  _ _ I _ _ was like OMGWTFISTHISSHIT and  _ _ I _ _ showed my mom and  _ _ I _ _ said "mom where were  _ _ you _ _ in 2003" and then  _ _ I _ _ was like oh wait  _ _ that's _ _ around the time of the deaky scandal and  _ _ I _ _ know he wrote a song about premature ejaculation and describes his dreams as wet but hes a bby and so uwu but  _ _ anyway _ _ my point is that  _ _ I _ _ call him my dad _

_ PREACH IT SIS _ _!_

_ okay  _ _ you're _ _ officially like my  _ _ favourite _ _ person _

_ Aww bless  _ _ I _ _ love that uwu _

_ Litterally _

_ Still my fave person _

_ You know what  _ _ that's _ _ so crazy. _

_ Because  _ _ you're _ _ still mine _ _!_

_ 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😏😭😭😭 _

_ WHY IS THAT EMOJI THERE _

_ WIUWSGSGWHEJE _

_ AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH _

_ AIIWHEEHWMWIIDFH _

_ oml you know what _ _?_

_ I dont know a lot of things but  _ _ I _ _ do know the word what _

_ Shut up. _

_ Basically  _ _ I'm _ _ tired. _

_ Then sleep _

_ Actually _ _ I _ _ cant talk _

_ I sleep deprive  _ _ myself _ _ all the time _

_ And  _ _ I _ _ need sleep otherwise  _ _ I _ _ get really sad, which is why  _ _ I'm _ _ a  _ _ depressed _ _ fuck _

_ Okay mood. _

_ But you should sleep when you get  _ _ tired _ _ because  _ _ it's bad _ _ for your body otherwise. _

_ I know _

_ It's that  _ _ I'm _ _ just _

_ I'm _ _ just so sad _

_ ISUWEHEHMOODBUTNOO _

_ ANYWAY _

_ Shouldn't _ _ you be sleeping soon anyway  _ _ I _ _ checked the time zone difference and  _ _ it's like _ _ 2:51am ?! _

_ It's fine _ _ dw  _ _ about _ _ it. _

_ I don't sleep until _ _ gone _ _ 4 am most days. _

_ Which  _ _ I _ _ should fix but  _ _ I _ _ just need time to do homework and shit and ugh  _ _ it's annoying _ _ but  _ _ I _ _ never have time cos  _ _ I'm _ _ a busy son of a bitch. _

_ Same im always drowning in homework, not  _ _ that _ _ I _ _ do it _

_ If  _ _ you're _ _ drowning  _ _ I _ _ will save you. _

_ I've _ _ already drowned but  _ _ appreciation _ _ noted _

_ I can swim _ _pretty good cos in year 4 they made us take swimming lessons_

_I don't swim anymore but_ _I_ _do rugby_ _competitively_

_Actually_ _I_ _domt know how else you would do rugby_ _it's a_ _competitive_ _sport_

_Anyway that's a fun fact of the night._

_ *morning _

_ And  _ _ that's _ _ cool _

_ I act _

_ That's _ _ about it _

_ I like to do backflips and handstands in the pool  _ _ but _ _ like,  _ _ that's _ _ it. _ _And_ _we domt do rugby. We have football, but_ _I'm_ _more into baseball_

_ Acting is my main thing _

_ I've _ _ been acting since  _ _ I _ _ was a small bubba _

_ I would have thought it be baseball considering your username. _

_ Or something to do with dinosaurs. _

_ what _ _ hobby  _ _ would _ _ there be to do  _ _ with _ _ dinosaurs? _

_ Listen _

_ I'm _ _ tired. _

_ Then sleep _

_ You have school tommorow anyway _

_ And if you do sport shit, you probably have to practice, so you need to rest! You're the one telling me to sleep but you need to sleep too _

_ I dont actually need to sleep for a while actually haha time zones am  _ _ I _ _ right _

_Yeah_ _I_ _always have practice which is why_ _I_ _dont have much of a social life. Also why I'm extremely lazy at most_ _things_ _,_ _because_ _I'm_ _so exhausted by other_ _things_ _that_ _I_ _just-_

_ I cant be arsed most of the time. _

_ Well do me a  _ _ favour _

_ Sleep _

_ Okay fine _

_ Only because you told me too _

_ But before  _ _ I _ _ do  _ _ I _ _ gotta ask something that will sound like a weird  _ _ wattpad _ _ fic  _ _ because _ _ we litterally met today _

_ Actually yesterday for me _

_ But basically only known  _ _ each other _ _ for a couple of hours. _

_ And yknow,  _ _ I've _ _ been rather  _ _ happy _ _ in these past couple hours rather than bored out of my mind. _

_ Cos we all know boredom is the biggest disease in  _ _ the _ _ world _

_ And  _ _ I've _ _ been happy too like  _ _ I _ _have three (3) irl_ _ friend _ _ but one isnt active on here out of school, two is his girlfriend and they always do c o u p l r things and three is a friend at drama classes and we just send memes to eachother so i dont talk to  _ _ anyone _ _ really _

_ ah, that's a shame, but aww, I'm glad, I've always wanted an internet best friend. *gets down on one knee* will you be my internet best friend? _

_ *insert pic of roger falsetto* ILL BE YOUR INTERNET BEST FRIEND _

_ YAY _

_ now  _ _ I _ _ get to brag to my three (3) friends about having an internet best friend. I know at least one of them is gonna be jealous the little shit _

_ You call your friend a little shit _

_ Wow _

_ Well hes little _

_ And hes annoying _

_ So hes a little shit _

_ But  _ _ I _ _ love him _

_ Maybe _

_ Not like a crush,  _ _ that's _ _ reserved for four (4) men in my life, but  _ _ I _ _ care for him, eventhough hes a little shit _

_ I mean _

_ Mood?! _

_ I have a few  _ _ friends _ _ but only really one solid bestie _ _, who is also an internet friend but_ _I've_ _known him for like, ages._

_ But now  _ _ I _ _ got you _

_ Sappiness 101 _

_ Honestly though like now _

_ You're _ _ my fave person.  _ _ Idc _ _ how many times  _ _ I've _ _ said it already. You just are. _

_ And  _ _ you're _ _ still mine?! _

_ Thank god _

_ GOD KNOWS _

_ I WANT TO BREAK FREE _

_ OKAY ACTUALLY THOUGH _

_ Why is roger so hot? _

_ Ikr _

_ It's just _ _ like _

_ Punch me _

_ Even though it  _ _ would _ _ do nothing because he has zero (0) muscle (mkay look  _ _ I _ _ know he do but hes like a twig but he could run me over with that car of his any day yknow) _

_ 100% _

_ Oh and stop avoiding the fucking  _ _ sleep _

_ Sleep motherfucker _

_ Go get your education tommorow _

_ And do good shit _

_ Ugh fine _

_ Goodnight you hoe _

_ Morning bicth _

_ HA you can't  _ _ even _ _ soell haha _

_ Fuck neither can I _

_ Goodnight! ❤ _

_ Farewell sweet brit _

_ Talk to you _

_ Tommorow _

^^^^^

**ben._jones**

_ Okay listen _

_ Good  _ _ you're _ _ asleep _

_ I'm _ _ off _ _ to sleep now too _

_ So when you wake up, to go to school and all,  _ _ I'll _ _ be asleep, but  _ _ I _ _ calculated (google. I googled it) and  _ _ I _ _ get _ _ up _ _ at 11.30 your time to go to school, so if  _ _ you're _ _ on  _ _ break _ _? Was it  _ _ break _ _?  _ _ Yeah _

_ When  _ _ you're _ _ on break,  _ _ I'll _ _ be getting on my bus to go to  _ _ school _

_ And  _ _ I _ _ can show you my school for no particular reason _

_ And rami _

_ Hes the little shit i was talking about _

_ Anyway,  _ _ I _ _ just popped back  _ _ up _ _ to say wake  _ _ up _ _ well, and  _ _ I _ _ hope _ _ you had a good sleep, and  _ _ I _ _ hope _ _ school is okay and that you have lessons you enjoy, and that it  _ _ doesn't _ _ feel like the  _ _ lessons _ _ drag too much. _

_ So yeah, wake  _ _ up _ _ well, good morning, have fun, text me! ❤ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woohoo!! Chapter uno, short and introductory. Next chapter will defo be longer. Leave some comments and kudos ❤
> 
> Much love!!!!!


	2. to leave this city

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We meet one (1) more Queen stan, a tired best friend and the two idiots text some more

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I must say, one thing I love about writing in text for the majority of the time is the fact that I can make as many mistakes as I want and pass it off as the character having bad grammar issues 🙌🙌🙌

**Ben's** **POV**

Waking up at 7:45 for school physically pains Ben for many reasons. Litterally. His muscles ache from his rugby practice or gym every morning when he wakes up, which is just one of the reasons he's a night owl and not an early worm.

It's habit to check his phone for tumblr messages, or Instagram DM's from the few people he texts from there. He didn't lie to Joe yesterday when he said he didn't do the whole "internet friends" thing often, but he does have a few... one. He has one so far apart from his now internet best friend.

It all stemed from this thread he had. A 70s and 80s version of daily pictures of Roger Taylor to help get some storage from his crammed gallery. It got really popular on his instagram and tumblr, but ultimately he decided to end it because he wanted to keep the pictures of Roger on his phone. Who wouldn't? It's Roger Taylor. You see his face and you never want to forget it.

_** SexyDavidTennant ** _

_ You _ _ ended _ _ my best fucking pair of Roger picture threads _  
_ Great fucking pictures _  
_ took me HOURS to save them all _  
_ and you just go " y e e t " _

Gwil is that guy he talks to to have a laugh. You'll get the weirdest things out of him sometimes and just learn not to question it. A cut out of John Deacons face from the hot space album? No problemo. He's making a box. Him complaining about the machines stabbing him? Nah, he's just making an apron for his dad.

Memes? Well yes, he is one himself but he likes to flood Ben's messages with either memes or pictures of Queen, or both. No one is complaining, especially since Ben managed to get him hooked to Doctor Who not too long ago. Now they share another common interest and Ben feels a bit less lonely at times.

But what he didnt realise he'd feel at this hour of the morning was happy. Excited!

Joe left him a message telling him to have a good day and that be should wake up well. He's never got that from anyone before. Not from the memes or people looking for a quick conversation. Not ever.

It was safe to say that Joe was taken into a different light by Ben after that. A quick proposal of internet best friend and he suddenly gets affection... scary.

** y ** ** a.average.joe **

_ Heya! That was a nice thing to wake up to lol. Thanks, honestly put me in a good mood for today. Hope the same for you too. Hope school goes well and your mate doesn't get jealous of ur new bestie _

_ Jk, I just hope you wake up feeling good n all. You deserve it 🙂🙂❤ _

  
Once he gets ready for school; white button-up done up except for the top button which remains undone so his tie doesn't strangle him, he heads out his house, which luckily is a 1 song distance to his school.

By a 1 song distance he means that put on his "upbeat" playlist on shuffle and whatever song comes up will last him the journey, but he does keep his headphones in all day... don't tell anyone that... just kidding. Who gives a shit? If a short haired boy can get away with blatantly listening to his headphones at school then all shits have been far from given.

5 minutes on time, as always, he checks his phone to see if Joe has replied yet, which of course he hasn't. It's what, 3 am across the pond, and Joe seems like the sensible enough person to not actually be awake at 3 am despite saying so. Clearly that's a massive contradiction though, seeming as Ben says he stays up late, and he does, but at this point he's just looking for an excuse to talk to Joe.

Through tutor time at the beginning of the day, where he got 5 minutes of shut eyes that seemed more like 5 seconds, to Chemistry, where someone almost set their hair on fire to get noticed on snapchat, all he could think about was getting a chance to talk to Joe. Ben's not that active on snapchat, purely because he's so occupied with obsessing over the members of Queen on tumblr and Instagram, so when people, girls mainly, come up to him asking for his snap, he just says he doesn't have one. What's the point of giving it to girls anyway?

Nothings wrong with them, they just... aren't for him?

By the time break had rolled around, two out of four lessons down for Ben already, he was convinced Joe forgot to message him back, so he hastily contacted Gwil to dump a whole tonne of information on the unsuspecting victim.

** SexyDavidTennant **

_ Sending the daily dose of roger pics  _ _ I _ _ send you because you fucking stopped the  _ _ th _ _ read _ _ xoxoox _

_ GWIL _

_ ANSWER MEE _

_ HOE _

_ SLUT _

_ BASTARD _

_ SLAG _

_ SMEGGGGHEEAADDD _

_ okay fucker calm down I am in classics _

_ Fuckjng nerd _

_ What do you want _

_ WhAt Do YoU wAnT _

_ Okay fuck off like if I'm in class risking my life to speak with you dont mock me _

_ You dont even like classics all you do is attempt to draw rogerina _

_ Hey I don't have a drawing style and i hate everything but neither did picasso so let me live, leave me alone _

_ Anyway I came here for a purpose _

_ Spill _

_ I met this guy on the internet last night right  _

_ Hes called Joseph and hes american _

_ Did he tell you he was a lesbian _

_ NOW IWNT THE TIME FOR VINE REFERENCES _

_...okay _

_ Nice one _

_ But yeah so hes our age well closer to your age because hes September 2003 and yknow you're november 2003 but anyways he like sent me these messages this morning that were so fucking cute like telling me to have a good day and what what and ugh I almost cried but toxic masculinity and that so I went to school but I text something back and now I think I've overdone it because he hasnt text back _

_ Lay thine eyes on my field and you will see it is barren of fucks _

_ Litterally fuck you _

_ I mean what dyou want me to say _

_ "Well done, you're obsessed?!" _

_ It was wrong of me to ever think you would help _

_ You said he lives in America _

_ This joseph bloke _

_ Have you ever though of the t I m e d I f f e r e n c e _

_ Gwil ur a genius _

_ No you're just dumb _

_ And I'm pretty sure u really like this Joseph bloke _

_ Is he, per chance, on tumblr _

_ Yee that's how we met _

_ God you sound like a fucking romcom mum _

_ Is he, in fact, the actual son of JD _

_ no but he does look a lot like him like he calls him his dad but  _ _ I _ _ thought he meant dad like daddy  _ _ lmao _

_ I know who  _ _ you're _ _ talking  _ _ about _

_ We're like that 1 follower to each other who likes each others posts and shit but never talk _

_ Oh nice _

_ Hes so cute tho _

_ Pipe down matey _

_ Wait how do you know he looks like deaks _

_ Unlike you my mind isnt completely filthy  _ _ and _ _ I _ _ took the whole dad thing as him  _ _ looking _ _ like deaky _

_ Liar _

_ Tell me the truth _

_ Bitch all will be revealed after the break stay tuned hoe  _ _ I've _ _ got english lit next _

_ Farewell _

_ Fuck off you unhelpful slag _

He doesn't really hate Gwil, he just finds entertainment in calling him names. Really he loves the other like an older brother: a tall, lanky, also queen obsessed older brother, who doesn't help with anything.

The moment the bell signifying the next lesson rang, though, as Ben went to put his phone in his blazer's breast pocket, his phone buzzed, and a notification from instagram flashed on his screen; a picture loaded from Joe of a yellow school bus, with the text "do yall have school buses over there? Anyway, this is my ride, and there's the little dipstick Rami." Reading across the yellow and an arrow pointing to someone who must've been Rami.

Maybe he shouldn't have panicked so soon.

^^^^^

**Joe's POV**

**ben._jones**

_Is it bad_ _I_ _thought you forgot about me 😔😔_

_Erm yes?! How could_ _I_ _forget my internet bestie of one (1) day smh how d a r e you_

_And_ _Rami_ _says hi_

_He says british people are cool_

_As you can see_

_He is an annoying little shit as said previously_

_He seems nice you're just mean_ _Alexa_ _play backchat_

_Backchat is a fucking bop_ _tho_

_No one can dispute that_

_It's a_ _Brian_ _may_ _disstrack_ _I_ _meannn..._

_My dad done did gud there_

_Arent you supposed to be learning rn?_

_I am in lesson._

_Just also texting you!_

_🙂🙃_

_Naughty_

_Wouldn't you like to know_

_Sorry that was weird of me._

_I love that actually lol_

_It just goes to show how weird we are_

_You're_ _not weird_

_Biiiiiish lemme tell you a lil somethin something_

_Ain't_ _nothing wrong with being weird_

_I love being weird_

_I am weird_

_Okee_

_Did_ _I_ _overshoot that_

_No_ _I_ _just_ _dropped_ _my phone on the floor and_ _everyone_ _looked at me so short reply_

_Soz xoxox_

_Oop_ _I_ _gots to go or my teacher will get_ _suspect_

_Will be back asap_

_Dont have fun without me_

_That wouldn't be very cash money of_ _you_ _._

"Y'know I exist right?"

"Oh my god I never get e-fucking-nough of it Rami do you ever shut up!" The bus finally pulled up at their school, the freshmen getting off and wrapping their hoodies around them like a straight jacket in the nippy air around them. A few digs to the arm and the best friends embarked on what might be a good day; a friday that is.

"So this british guy... you just met him last night? How'd you know this 'Ben' isn't actually a 'Paul' who's 40 years old and is gonna get you?" Rami watches as Joe struggled with trying to get his locker open as he usually does. Not that it's jammed or is old and rusty, he just never has enough energy to out into opening a piece of metal this early in the morning. "What if Ben is actually hacking your phone from his mom's basement and on monday you aren't going to be here 'cos he kidnapped you and-"

"Rami you're on a E-Boy AND E-Girl group chat," Joe finally managed to get his locker open, almost falling into if if he didnt catch himself. "I don't think you have room to talk here."

"RESPECT," he began, drawing attention from the whole damn corridor at this volume. "R e s p e c t my life choices Joseph. I'm just concerned you won't have any life choices because you'll get killed and the next time I'll see you is when I'm dressed like Brendon Urie from the I Write Sins video at your funeral telling your whole ass family that I told you s-"

Slamming his locker shut as aggressively as he could, Joe gave his best fake smile, the corners of his lip just reaching his eyes as he glared at Rami, a hint of sarcasm in his face before speaking. "If Ben was actually a middle aged man, and he murders me, then I allow you to do just that, but I'll have you know that he explained the british education system to me in videos yesterday and I gotta say, he is gorgeous, and also 15 years old. I think I'm pretty safe."

Rami smirked back, mirroring the sarcasm to Joe before they stepped into their home room, preparing for their day full of lessons they don't want to do in a school with a shitty heating system. "Gorgeous hey?" He teased. "Can't go developing feelings for someone you've known less than a day and who lives across the pond now, can you?"

"Rami," Joe turned to his left, pinching the bridge of his nose, leaning on his desk and shaking his head. "I have crushes on men old enough to be my grandfather. I think someone my age in England is sane for me. And, anyway, I don't have a crush on him."

Pouting, Rami sat down along with the rest of the class, though his eyes kept on Joe. "I've only heard you call Roger Taylor and young Brian May and Freddie Mercury and your gene supplier John Deaky Deacon as gorgeous, all of whom you would do explicit things for, so exsqueeze me for thinking about your wedding in 10 years time." _Snap snap flick of the wrist._ Rami clicked his fingers in a "take that bitch" manner, his famous smile dawning his face.

"I think you're also forgetting the fact that he lives on a different continent. Even if he was a 40 year old man, he ain't getting me sunshine!"

"Ugh I was excited to wear that outfit to your funeral."

"No because if you outlive me than I can't go to your funeral as the Mediterranean Shrimp Freddie dresses as in the Hard Life video, and I'm sure the people would want to see that more than you singing about closing a god damn door."

"The people? The fuck? Who are the people? The only people entertained in our extreme hypothetical situations we create are us."

"Yes, and I really wanna dress as Freddie did!"

"Mazzello and Malek, do I have to give you two warnings this early into the day?" The teacher raised an eyebrow, not expecting an answer from either of the exhausted boys but certainly not tolerating the one he got from the latter.

"I don't know, do you?"

^^^^^

**ben.jones04**

_Heya_

_I'm_ _in lunch now_

_Are you in lessons or like_

_Idek_

_I'm_ _bored.f_

_Af**_

_I should be in lessons but Rami got us in trouble so like_

_I'm_ _being sneaky sneaky_ _like_ _you was befir_

_*before_

_We both makin spelling_ _mistakes_ _lmao rip😔_

_Mine get even worse when_ _I'm_ _awake at 5 am lmao_

_Why would you be awake at 5am_

_Sleep_

_Do you not like sleep?_

_Sleeping is optimistic but we can live without dreaming_

_Poetic_

_I like to_ _write_

_And act_

_Words come easy to me_

_E x c e p t at 5am_

_🤣🤣🤣_

_I gtg to_ _lesson_ _again but_

_It's my_ _last lesson of the day_ _before_ _tutor again and then_ _I_ _go home_

_So_ _I_ _will talk more laterrrrrr_ _(until_ _I_ _have trainingggggg)_

_Okilly dokilly_

_That's_ _meant to sound like Ned Flanders not_ _like_ _Oh Killy do_ _killy_

"Is that a phone, Mazzello?" The old hag of a teacher peered through her broken glasses at the boy who sat opposite her, very clearly on his phone.

"Pfft, me? No." He lied.

"Better be, or I'll have to confiscate it!"

"Ooh so scary." Rami popped in from the desk beside Joe, sarcasm at it's highest level in his voice as Joe just wanted to pound his head against the table like that vine where the mario theme tune plays.

^^^^^

**ben.jones04**

_Rami's a little hoe and got in trouble so_ _I'm_ _getting the bus alone today_

_Oh that sucks._

_But you got me!_

_Ah_ _that's_ _true! It's better than anything_ _I've_ _had before tbh, including Rami,_ _I_ _mean all that boy does is react and recreate tik toks and it's-_

_It's not great_

_Okay don't @ me but_ _I_ _have tik tok._

_Omlllll_

_I don't make any!_

_Well...._

_Nah_ _I_ _don't._

_Weeelllllllll...._

_Maybe a_ _few_ _, but I'm not sharing my user name_ _because_ _they're_ _cringey as fuq._

_Understandable_

_Honestly_ _though... still my_ _favourite_ _person_

_And_ _you're_ _still mine. 🙂_

_How was school today btw_ _I_ _never got to ask?_

_Meh._

_Mood_

_I mean someone_ _almost_ _set their hair on fire and in English language someone pulled a fucking door handle out of their blazer and swung it through a window._

_But there's been crazier stuff._

_Okay that_ _is-_

_The most chaotic sentence my eyes have seen_

_And_ _I've_ _seen_ _some fucking chaotic shit_

_Expect this on the regular_ _._

_Oh I will_

_If in a months time_ _I_ _havent heard at least 2 more_ _chaotic_ _stories then_ _I'm_ _divorcing you_

_We aren't_ _married_ _._

_Oh shit we aren't are we._

_Marry me?_

_Yay!!_ _I'll_ _marry_ _you!_

_We are internet hubbies!_

_I fucking love that_

_I shall now only refer to you as my internet hubby_

_I am beyond okay with that like actually-_

_Like_ _I've_ _had one internet friend for the longest time and now_ _I'm_ _not_ _even_ _a day into talking to_ _you_ _and_ _you're_ _already my husband._

_Life has never been so great!_

_Aww_ _I'm_ _glad!!_

_I just want people to be happy. I dont like seeing people upset, because it makes me upset, but then again_ _I'm_ _always upset_

_Bitch then_ _it's my_ _job to make you better!_

_Hey_ _I'm_ _your husband, you cant call me a bitch!_

_Our_ _okay_ _I'm_ _sOrRy._

_But no matter what_ _I'll_ _still try to make your days as much better as_ _I_ _can!_

_Bless you n ur little british heart_

_Hey_ _I'm_ _like 5 foot 9 okay_ _I_ _am no little._

_Dang it_ _I'm_ _5" 8.5_

_Sure 🙄🙄_

_Omg you hoe_

_HeY iM yOuR hUsBaNd YoU cAnT cAlL mE tHaT._

_Where did all this come from?_

_Sarcasm_ _in my blood young man._

_Theres no need to feel down_

_I said young man._

_You're_ _actually younger than me_

_I said young man._

_But you are a blondie_

_so its o kay._

_To._

_Be._

_Sarky._

_Is sarky like sarcastic?_

_Yeeyee._

_I find that adorable for some reason B_

_B?_

_That's_ _you new nickname_

_B_

_Like Barry B Benson_

_Just without the Barry Benson_

_No one has ever called me that before lol. I usually get Benny or y'know Ben. I_ _mean_ _the full name is Benjamin so Ben itself is a nickname but no one calls me Benjamin unless_ _I'm_ _in deep shit._

_Yeah_ _that's_ _like me and Joseph_

_No one calls me it._

_I call you it_

_Huh?_

_I was talking about you with the one internet friend_ _I_ _have (_ _I'm_ _just gonna say Gwil because_ _that's_ _his name) and_ _I've_ _just realized_ _I_ _called you Joseph a lot._

_I like your full name._

_I think_ _I'll_ _just call you that if it's okay._

_I mean sure_ _I_ _dont have an issue with it_

_But only_ _you're_ _allowed to call me B._

_'Nough said_

_Wow_ _I_ _really love you like you are just-_

_Uwu_

(ಥ⌣ಥ)

¯\\(◉◡◔)/¯

_Wanna see my favourite?_

_Please_

_•‿•_

_ Okay I got 2 faves. _

_ʘ‿ʘ_

_Love that_

_ The second one is me on the daily _

_ The first one reminds me of deaky _

_ PH AHIT _

_ OH _

_ AHIT _

_ SHIT _

_ WHAT _

_ WHAT HAPPENED _

_ nothing  _ _ I _ _ just remembered the time. _

_ I gotta go practice. _

_ Well  _ _ it's not _ _ practice but  _ _ I _ _ have to go gym everyday to make sure  _ _ I _ _ keep fit. I only have actual training  _ _ Wednesday _ _ , Sundays, Tuesday, Fridays and Sunday again. _

_ Why was that in such  _ _ a weird _ _ order _

_ We base training  _ _ off _ _ a 2 week schedule, so  _ _ it's like _ _ week one is  _ _ Wednesday _ _ and sunday and  _ _ sometimes _ _ a monday and week two is  _ _ Tuesday _ _ fridays and sunday _

_ I seeeeeeee _

_ I only have drama on Saturdays, and every other day  _ _ I'm _ _ top lazy to move so _

_ TOO LAZY TO MOVE _

_ NOT TOP _

_ aww so ur a bottom _

_ Cute. _

_ Go to your gym practice _

_ 😘😘 _

_ Stop please _

_Aww is the husband_ _embarrassed_ _😘😘😘_

_Go train_

_Chugga chugga choo choo_

_Omg_ _ily_

_😘😘😘😘😘_

_You must really like that emoji_

_😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘_ _I'm_ _gonna be knackered when_ _I_ _come home so_ _I'll_ _go to sleep so_ _I'll_ _talk to you more tommorow 😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘_

_Okay have fun!_

_Wait_

_What does knackered_ _mean_ _?_

_B_

_B_

_B_

_Ben_

_Bejamin_

_BRNJAMINNNNN_

_Shits_

"I'm all alone Luce; my husbands gone to the gym." Joe weeped on the school bus to Rami's girlfriend, and to be brutally honest, the only other person he sits with at lunch that he doesn't hate. "What do I do now?"

"Why are you coming to me now, I thought you said you were all alone on the bus..."

"Okay well done you invaded my privacy and read my messages but Lucy!!" He seemed panicked at this point, pouting. "He goes to the gym! He's so cute 'n handsome and he's my husband now. We got married. I'm going to have to write us a wedding... will you be my bridesmaid?"

She looked the ginger up and down, squinting her eyes as roger spent most of his days in the 70s before saying "one, yes of course I'll be your bridesmaid as long as you wear a dress and two, Rami said he's british and you met last night, that sound pervy."

"Lucy, you're british."

"Yes but you've known me for a while now. This Ben character you met last night! And it seems like you're actually developing a crush on him seeming as you're calling him cute and handsome, but anyway which part of Britain is he from I want all the juicy details!"

"Er I'm not sure but its somewhere in England. You cant really trust me with place names I mean I thought Barcelona was in the UK so don't take my word whatsoever."

Lucy visually sighed, shoulders hunching and rubbing her forehead with some pressure. "Lord give me strength," she mutters under her breath. "Did he sound like me, or DeEd HyY sAnD lAiKe ThEs?" Without having the faintest idea what she was going on about, he told Lucy he sounded like she did as Ben didn't sound remotely like whatever the hell the second one was. "Okay, so he's from the south, good to know. Find out for me though, will you?"

"Why do you wanna know?"

"Gotta see who my Joey boy is married to now, don't I?" She giggled like it was the most obvious thing on earth. "Now tell me when Rami texts you because he won't tell me about getting in trouble so he won't start a conversation first, kay?"

Joe rolled his eyes, smirking with a huff "okay!" and giving her a hug as she collected her things and got off the bus, the boy looking out of the window and saluting, the brit putting a serious face on and replicating the move for as long as Joe could see before a corner was turned and he was actually left alone besides his tumblr feed and camera roll full of John Deacon, but at least there was still one thing left to do.

**ben.jones04**

_Hey B! If you read this before you go to sleep, then you have sinned dear father, father you have sinned, but if you do read this as_ _you_ _wake up then_ _I_ _hope you have a great Friday day! That made no sense but nothing ever does with me lol. But_ _yeah_ _have a great day mr husband!! ❤❤_

_Oh, and my other irl friend_ _who's_ _a brit asks where in england you_ _come from_ _and_ _I_ _couldn't_ _remember but she_ _figured_ _it was the south because a you talk like her but b she scared me with this weird accent that must be the north but_ _I_ _just thought_ _I'd_ _ask_ _whereabouts_ _ur from again because_ _I'm_ _forget_ _me not 🙂_

_But wakeupwellagainandhavefunanddontstressandrememberfreddiemercurylovesyouandsodoi_

_As john_ _deacon_ _once said, Buh Bye ❤_

^^^^^

**ben.jones04**

_OMG so_ _you're_ _asleep rn and_ _it's getting_ _late here too but_ _I_ _found where you got those emojis from!!_

_❤{´◕ ◡ ◕｀}_

_Me @ you_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2!! Did you enjoy? Don't forget to leave some kudos and comments!! 
> 
> Lots of love!!!!!


	3. this old town

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a short chapter where f e e l i n g s become present

**ben.jones04**

_So you like, you just do acting shit n stuff?_

_Well_ _I_ _mean_

_It's a bit_ _more_ _than that like yknow_

_Not really but it sounds fun!_

_Yknow, to have friends 🙂_

_Shut up you have friends, hut you got me now and_ _that's_ _all you actually need_

_True, nobody else matters now and_ _that's_ _the tea._

_*sips tea that_ _I_ _made and forgot about so now have to down it or it'll get too cold*_

_:')_

_What?_

_You're so fucking cute_

_I-_

_Okay {'◕ ◡ ◕｀}_

_I gotta skrrskrrrrrr now because the football is_ _starting_ _soon and nothing can distract me._

_Not even ur husband?_

_When_ _I_ _went to the Emirates (Arsenal's footie ground) to watch a game my brother_ _fell_ _and chipped his tooth but me n my dad didn't_ _notice_ _because the game was on and live in_ _front_ _of us._

_Nothing distracts me._

_But_ _I_ _gotta go now_ _I'll_ _text at half time 😘😘😘😘😘_

_YOU HAVE A BROTHER?_

_B_

_B_

_BENJANIN_

_BENNNY_

_BENJAMI_ _N_

"I swear to god almighty he always does this to me!"

"Whomst does whateth?"

"Have you even been listening to me Allen?" Joe questioned, glancing up from his phone at Allen, probably his best friend at his drama classes where he considers everyone his family. The bond is tight between everyone there from the amount of breakdowns and feuds that have gone on between everyone there, but Allen was definitly the first friend Joe made there when he started 2 years ago now. "Oh wait I haven't actually spoke yet, have I?

His eyes widened and Allen chuckled, "no... I'm intrigued though! See you for the first time in a week 'n theres a new 'he' who 'always does this'."

"Well I have a husband now, and he's a queen stan like me-"

"Oh good lord. AGAIN with Queen?! As if you don't talk about them enough as it is and now you have a husband because of them? I mean, continue, sorry." It's worth noting that Allen doesnt hate Queen. He respects their legacy and who they are and their songs, but Joe is obsessed, and from the sheer amount of memes Joe sends him, not that he really asks for the memes, half of his news feed is Queen now. He just would like to break free from- no, no references.

"Well yeah he's my husband and he's- he's from the UK but that doesn't matter the point is that I'm married and when I write up our marriage you're bridesmaid; I've got two people being bridesmaid already and you're also being bridesmaid, capishe? That's not I was talking about though because he keeps leaving to do things like go gym and watch soccer but he would kill me if I said that because it's fOoTbAlL but he just drops these bombshells on me like he has a brother?! I mean, he's one of my favourite people but-"

"Does he know about your siblings?"

Staring into nowhere, Joe realized his error. "aah." He smiled, the corners of his mouth pulling back into a straight line as his stupidity hit him. "Well, hush we gotta go to filming now anyway." The ginger pushed himself up from the ground, pulling the Irishman afterwards and beginning the not 20 second walk to his film and television class, where they had to recreate scenes from famous movies but putting a spin on it, Joe and his group of five (including Allen) choosing the cafeteria scene of Mean Girls where the layout of everyone's seats is exposed.

Joe jumped right at the opportunity and chose to be Damion purely for the fact that in the script it can go as followed:

**Janis: where you sit in the cafeteria is crucial 'cos you got everyone there, like the** **nerds** **, gamers,** **unfriendly** **hotties, stoners, j-**

**Damion: JOCKS**

**Janis: DamiON NO!**

**Damion: DAMION YES!**

Joseph is a simple man; he gets to be himself, he's all into it (I.e where he gets to fawn over jocks and boys in general as he gets to at drama because 60% of people are LGBTQ, no joke.)

The filming went well after deciding to film the narration part before hand so they could guide the camera to the dialogue, making life a whole lot easier. Granted it wasn't Joe's idea but he sure went around telling everyone he told them so afterwards; he only meant it as a joke though. He likes to entertain, what can he say; seeing people smile makes him happy.

He even managed to make it last the entire 3 hours of his drama lesson (theres 3 sections; filming, comedy and drama, musical theatre, each an hour long. Time still flies though) when he got to perform a soliloquy he had been planning for the last month. They had to choose an 'in-the-style-of' with a famous person, e.g Allen performing Macbeth's "is this a dagger which I see before me?" In the style of Marie Antoinette, Joe, however, choosing to keep it true to the text...

"It's a sad eyed goodbye; yesterday moments I remember," he begun as he delivered the Queen song 'Drowse' in the style of Roger Taylor. After all, he always has been surprisingly great at accents.

^^^^^

"I'm nervous."

"Well I mean, why?"

"I don't know. I guess it's 'cos I get to respond to what you say as it happens and not have to wait for the video to be over till I respond."

It was Ben's idea to video call rather than just type to each other or send voice messages purely because he needed rest for tommorow, and then maybe because he wanted to actually talk to Joe for the first time. It's a huge step in their... marriage(?!) to talk like this. It means that a) they're both pretty comfortable with each other, and b) they can have fun, l i v e. Also, not that Joe will ever say this aloud, but hearing Ben's deep, mellow accent, for someone his age at least, is rather soothing.

As Joe said, when sending video messages, you have to individually respond to every point made. Isn't it better to just... talk? "Well that's true I guess."

"But anyway, you have to tell me stuffs." Joe adjusted where he was sat on his screen. He was cross legged on his bed, talking through trying to keep his camera steady. "Numero uno, you have a brother. Older or younger?"

"Younger. He's called Mike but I call him Mikey mainly. I hate him." Wrapping himself further into his bed sheets, Ben's face was half hidden by his duvet as he laid in bed, tired but risking it to speak with Joe. "He's an arse. Well, I do love him, but I overly don't like him. What about you, any siblings?"

"I'm not done interrogating you yet! Why do you hate him?"

"Brotherly hate. He just gets on my non-existent tits."

"Touche," he nodded, finally settling after his camera chose to stay still. "and yeah I have a brother and a sister. John and Mary."

His smile hidden from the camera, voice muffled by the duvet, Ben asked "Are you the oldest?"

"No Mary is. She's in college right now though. John's a couple years younger than me but he thinks he's the boss in the household. He's really sarcastic and likes to tease everyone because somehow he always knows something about you that no one else does. It's strange, he's strange, but he's got a good eye and hand for baseball so he gets medals and awards and stuff. He's a talented little shit, I'll give him that."

"Do you not get any awards for your acting 'n shit?"

"No I do, and Mary gets awards for her dancing too. We all have our area of specialities; Mary gets hers from dancing competitions, John gets his from his baseball tournaments and things, and I've got awards for poetry, monologues, filming and stage combat." Smirking, the mischievous side of Joe shone through. Ben wouldn't dare say it out loud but he loved that smirk on Joe, and his playful attitude. He loved a lot of things about Joe. Just speaking to him made him happy itself! He didn't know if it was ever articulated that way, but speaking to Joe really is the highlight of his day. "I'm not saying I'm the best child, but I do have the wider range of skills."

"Wow, so modest."

"You 'betcha! I may seem chaotic but I'm not a problem child, no, that's John."

That made Ben laugh from the mirror of his own brotherly love, where instead he was the problem one who starts most of the arguments and play fights. "What's the worst thing he's done?"

"Er, I don't know. I can name stuff he's done that would be the worst if they didn't give an okay outcome. Like, he didn't truly realise the importance of me telling my family that I'm *woah* gay, and he just told everyone over dinner one day. I wanted to die at that point because I was waiting to tell them myself but Mary just said 'You all owe me five dollars' because they bet on how long it would take for me to come out. So yeah, I'd say that but it took the weight off my shoulders of the claustrophobia of the closet, so I also gotta thank him. That was like, a year ago."

"My house mentor at school basically convinced me to tell my dad because I was worried about him the most, but when I did he was fine, it was my mum that took it badly. It's okay though, I've got my dad and my brother, and I got my select few friends, and my husband of course. My mum just has to deal with it." It was the ability to feel comfortable enough with each other to tell these stories, through the hilarity of one and emotion of the other, that struck them both. They're unique, they know that, and their bond despite only knowing eachother for however many time as they have is incredible.

"I'm glad I'm here for you. Just want you to be as happy as you make me, and as happy as you deserve to be."

Ben scoffed, "Don't get all sappy on me now you softy." He winked to the camera, sending a weird tingling sensation through Joe, forcing the older to temporarily shut off and think about that damned wink. _Lord_ , he thought, _that was gorgeous_.

"Hush now, I'm allowed to be sappy to my husband, and because I can't give you a physical hug then I got to be extra sappy, it's the law, I'll have you know!"

Rolling his eyes, Ben huffed out "Okay mister, you do you, but I can't get into a compliment battle like there has been before because I'm tired, and I need to rest for tommorow, but after tommorow we'll talk again and I'll beat your arse."

Joe raised his eyebrows, pursed his lips and whispered "Ooh kinky."

"Oh my lord that's- that is not what I meant you dirty bastard!"

"Hey, you're the one that said it, not me!" Joe's phone fell down from his bed shaking with his laughter, leaving him to readjust as he questioned "Anyway, what's going on tommorow? Why do you need rest?"

"I got a match tommorow that's kicking off a national tournament. Starts of with regional matches and then when it gets to one from each county then we all play each other until there's a final which is in Birmingham of all places this year." Ben explained his rugby tournament, only slightly touching the surface of a border, more complicated system of how things work. Like his Queen obsession, he's learned when to only briefly mention things as through a painstakingly tough process, he knows that people just don't want to hear it.

Not that he believes Joe is people. Well, Joe's a person, but he can't be categorised into the wider range of people because he's more than that, to Ben at least; it's strange and he doesn't know if it would be good to say it but he does love Joe. It's not often you find friends like him, no, not often at all.

"Is Birmingham not a good place to have it then?"

"It's hard to explain when I'm tired but next time you see the british bird that goes school with you, just mention it to her and she'll explain. It's no offence to brummies- people from Birmingham, it's more just, them?"

"I actually see her tommorow 'cos I'm going to Rami's to play scrabble." Joe looked down in thought of his friends hut glanced up to Ben once more, not knowing it was that move which caused Ben to ruffle his hair back to presumably show off, or perhaps not, but Joe's subtle glance is the thing to blame for it. "Well, we're having a sleepover and watching movies and such, but I'm getting them to play scrabble in honour of Queen, but they don't know that yet so I wouldn't tell them."

"It isn't like I can tell them anyway I mean I haven't talk to anyone you know without you as a middle man." Which is true, it's always "rami said this" so "tell rami I say this" in means of communicating. It's just an observation though. Ben certainly didn't mean anything by it, so got slightly panicked when Joe looked like he was going to say something in critique, but was relieved when the ginger began to tall, but that anxiety pricked back up again when he went on...

"Oh that reminds me; Rami wants your username because he wants to 'talk' to you and by that he wants to interrogate you for whatever reason." There was a pause between those and his next words, leaving them to settle in Ben as to why Rami wishes to 'interrogate' him, though from what he can tell of Rami through their mediated conversations, he means no harm, he's just being... protective, as Ben would be if he had someone as close to him as Joe and Rami are. The closest he has to that would be, well, Gwil, and Joe himself. "I don't trust him one bit but the next option would be Lucy and if you give her a name and location she'll find out everything so we can't give it to her."

"What is she going to find out about me that she can use against me?" Ben shrugged off with a laugh but with slight concern. "Why would she want to find out stuff about me anyway?"

"She'll manage to find your baby pictures simply because she wants to. There doesn't have to be a reason or a motive, there's just got to be a Lucy and someone else and bam, she knows your entire history!" Joe projected over enthusiastically.

"I was a cute baby though." The blondes voice rasped from his exhaustion, not in any way hinting that the conversation should end, which is the way Joe took it, but hey, he could pretend that it didn't hit him like that if it meant talking to Ben. Why would he deny himself entertainment and happiness? Call it selfishness or call it friendship, Ben hasn't outright said he wants to leave.

Ad he doesn't, Joe's just got a wild imagination.

"Yeah I know, and you only managed to glow the fuck up from then anyways." He spoke truth in the words from everyone's opinion including himself. There's no way of denying that Benw as handsome, cute, anything to say he's not ugly, because he isn't. How he doesn't have, excuse the cheesiness, _somebody to love_ is beyond Joe. Who couldn't love this man? He certainly could.

Ben looked deep into Joe's eyes from his spot, confusion stricken on his face with a tint of interest. "You know I was a cute baby?"

This left Joe speechless as what he was trying to hide by addressing it was uncovered, testing, how good of an actor is he really?

"Okay so," he began. "So maybe Lucy already saw your profile but it was an accident I promise! All she found were baby pictures I swear!"

All ben could do is laugh. Genuinely, he didn't mind. No actually, he didn't care. Even if he was an ugly baby, it's Joe who's seeing these, and sure Lucy probably took a gander at them, as did Rami, but hey, what's the worst that can happen? Aside from being all hypothetical, Ben was indeed a cute baby. "It's fine bud, promise it."

"Would you mind if I perhaps saved them?"

"Erm," he furrowed his brows. "Not particularly?!"

"Good, cos I saved one of you on a boat 'cos your hair is curly 'n your cute."

"Want to know something about that picture?" Ben asked, cocking his eyebrow up intuitively.

"Spill."

Rolling over, now the light seeping through his window announced his features exquisitely. "That was taken in Brighton when my family took a weekend break up there. It's weird because I my dad told me about it recently and I _discovered how_ _I_ _spent_ _my holiday._ " He quoted

"Well can I tell you something as equally cheesy, cringey and cute? Only because of you, was there _magic in the air_!"

^^^^^

**24 hours later**

"You know that Joe's an arse and forget to tell me where you're from... a, r, s, e. Arse." Lucy told as she placed her letters, _a, r s, e_ , on the scrabble board, looking the supposed butt in the face as he tried to talk to Ben along with Rami about how high school works differently, even after Lucy tried explaining it.

"Benjamin, would you kindly tell Lucy where abouts you are so she can shut the fuck up!" Joe directed it at Ben but glared at Lucy as she climbed over the scrabble board to sit inbetween Joe and Rami, legs dangling over Rami's lap.

"Er, that's not a kind way to speak to your friend, _Joseph_." The brit chuckled, telling his hair down from the sweat after a victory in his rugby match.

"See I like Ben. Ben has sense in him, you're just an ass." She punctuated once more

"Is that the only word you know or-"

"Bastard, tosser, pillock-"

"Wanker, bellend, berk." Ben added on

"Any other word that begins with a b" Rami butted in

Joe looked between the two beside him and the camera, offended look disguising his amused face. "Okay you can all fuck off. Ben, you're supposed to say where you're from and Rami it's your turn." Rami shifted to get closer to the board but ended up making Lucy accidentally fall onto Joe, making Joe drop his phome, making himself scream. "Lucy you fucker my phone could have broke!"

"Shut it Mazz I'm listening to your husband." She picked up the phone for him and held it to her face, which got lightly smacked out of the way to see Joe's floppy hair once more

"Oh yeah haha, I'm from Bournemouth lol, nothing too interesting... nah litterally nothing interesting at all."

"Ooh you're by the beach though." She pondered. "Do seagulls ever steal your shit?"

"Erm... no?!" Ben's voice rasped, throaty from his celebrations after winning, and exhaustion. "I don't like the beach. I prefer swimming pools. It's too cold to go to the beach anyway, even in the summer. Never, ever ever ever, is it warm."

Staring into the screen and at Ben's ruffled hair, Lucy questioned "wasn't last year like, the hottest summer on record?"

"Everyone was hyped from the world cup is all."

"BULLSHIT." All physical heads turned to Rami and Ben's face fell confused at the sudden outburst from the Egyptian, who had his arms up above him in glee, a smug but cheek-to-cheek grin dawning his face. "I got bullshit!" He pointed to the board and to the word connected to the _s_ of Lucy's _arse_. "Your turn Joe!"

"Right," Ben smacked his face. "I'm off to get some shut eye now."

"Noooooo please don't leave me!" The ginger begged, prayed and puppy dog eyed at Ben. "That'll make me sad." He frowned, pouting miserably. "Don't make me sad."

"TURN THAT MOTHERFUCKING FROWN," Lucy pinched at the corners of Joe's cheek, forcing them up into a terrifying smile. "UPSIDE DOWN!" Tears falling down his face in suppressed laughter, Joe tried his hardest to pry the girl off of him but she was surprisingly stronger than she looked.

This left the both of them on the floor, WWE style wrestling to pin the other on the floor until Rami had to get Lucy off before she could win...

"I think I can safely leave you in the company of them two." Smiling and content, Ben was happy seeing Joe happy, safe in the knowledge there will be his heart devoted to the American even when they can't talk due to sleeping or whatever.

"Ah, okay, I get that." Resting his chin on his balled fist, Joe looked at this... Greek Statue of a human in front of him, but over 3000 or so miles east of him too. So far yet so close. "Sleep well my sweet Benjamin!! Don't let any seagulls steal you!" He blew a kiss at the sleepy head, not expecting him to play along but watching intently with heart eyes as Ben 'caught' it, and blew one back too.

"Good night Joe, and everyone, have a good scrabble game!" On his life, Joe could have sworn that before ended the call, he winked at him. He'd put Rami on the table and all! Of maybe it's just wishful thinking. Wishful? Why he was wishing for it is unknown but- but he definitely did not overlook that wink. He would keep it stored in his mind just to remind him about, well, something or other.

Maybe, stupidly in his own mind, it was love?

No. Damnit wishful thinking!

"You're so smitten over him it's adorable." Rami ruffled up Joe's hair as they switched places o er the scrabble board. "Maybe long distance relationships really do exist. Who knew?"

"Yeah well you can bet your arse that you'll never be in one as long as I'm around you tart!" Lucy kisses her insufferable boyfriend's cheek.

"I don't like him like that, I swear!"

"Haha, sure thing Joey boy. How I wish I could believe you."


	4. don't smell too pretty and

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHEN IT GETS TO A CERTAIN POINT I JUST ADDRESS WHO SAYS WHAT BY INITIALS OKAY OKAY BOICE

**Ben's POV**

"He won't like, actually interrogate me though, will he?"

"Rami couldn't interrogate a confessing criminal. You're fine. You can text me whilst it's happening too so you don't feel alone! But it's fine, I promise you, you'll be fine!"

^^^^^

**_r.m.i02 has requested to follow you_ **

**_Request accepted!_ **

^^^^^

** r.m.i002 **

_ Hello there Benjamin. _

_ Thank you for accepting my follow request. Your participation is greatfully accepted. _

_ Yup. _

_ Thank you for following haha. _

_ Now let me tell you something: Lucy digs up the past,  _ _ I _ _ find out the present. You tell me why you like Joe, if you plan to ever not like Joe, why Joe is worth your time and why you are married. _

_ I expect a response in 10 minutes maximum and not a sign from Joe that he knows what I've asked. _

_ Okay _ _._

^^^^^

** ya.average.joe **

_ Rami fucking terrifies me. _

_ Oml what's he saying _

_ Is he being good cop or bad cop _

_ Is he acting like a stalker? _

_ I'm _ _ genuinely petrified. _

_ Holy shit he's phsyco _

_ Just tell him the truth _

_ And now even  _ _ I'm _ _ watching you 😤😤😤 _

_ WAiT WHAT?! _

_ don't worry  _ _ you're _ _ fine. Just text  _ _ him _ _ back  _ _ answers _ _ to the questions and all will be well. You might wanna  _ _ get _ _ to that now considering  _ _ you've _ _ got like 8 minutes left lol _

_ OH SHIT YEAH HE SET ME ON A FUCKING TIMER!! _

_ AAAH! _

_ okay roger taylor calm yourself down _

^^^^^

**sexydavidtennant**

_Fuckfuckfuckfuckfucjcufjcucjdoauwbw_

_Wot_

_Do you fucking want_

_Joe's_ _mate Rami is interrogating me and_ _I'm_ _terrified of him._

_ Dint u talk to him one time tho _

_Yeah but hes being well weird rn like AH!_

_smh_

_Americans_

_If u want_ _I_ _can interrogate fucking_ _what's_ _his fucking name_

_Your husband_

_Joseph._

_That's_ _the fucking one_

_Him_

_To make shit even between yall_

_One_ _chaotic_ _interrogation for another chaotic interrogation_

_Just on 2_ _very_ _different sides of the spectrum._

_Here-yee_

_But for now just answer your fucking questions_

_Why do_ _I_ _even come to you for help like all you do is abuse me._

_Idk_ _I_ _wouldnt ask for advice courtesy of moi_

_Actually_ _I_ _would_

_I'd_ _ask me what_ _I_ _would do, and so the_ _exact_ _opposite of it_

_Luckily_ _I_ _bypass that rn and just do the dumb shit immediately_

_Makes life easier_

_Idek what to do with you anymore._

_Go work on_ _your_ _box._

^^^^^

** r.m.i002 **

_ 1)  _ _ I _ _ love Joe! I love that fact that he is always there for me and I never have to tell him i'm upset, he just always knows. He always helps me through stressful times and everything in between,  _ _ even _ _ though we've only known each other a while. And all  _ _ that's _ _ if  _ _ I _ _ had to pick on thing! _

_ 2)  _ _ I _ _ don't think  _ _ I _ _ can ever not love him. There's a weird thing with internet friends where you say you'll be friends and 99% of the time you don't talk beyond that, so to have made this  _ _ close _ _ bond with him already and have it stick tells me that our friendship will last! _

_ 3) I'm not sure about this one. Is Joe worth my time? I hope so! He is amazing and  _ _ I'd _ _ love to think that all the time we spend talking to each other on the phone or through texts is worthy of his  _ _ time _ _ but only can he determine that. I wouldn't dare put words in his mouth. _

_ 4) why are we  _ _ married _ _? It's just a proof of how close we are. Like, to not be friends would be divorcing, which is serious and can't happen between us. It kind of stuck a piece of celetape on us that keeps us together even more aha. _

_ I  _ _ hope _ _ those are good enough answers 🙂 _

_ You've passed this test, but  _ _ I'm _ _ warning you; we might say we hate each other but Joe is like a brother to me,  _ _ more _ _ than my identical twin. If you ever hurt him, or make him  _ _ cry _ _ , I will fly over to England and whip your ass. _

_ And Lucy can't find any bad things about you as of yet but so help me god if she does, from the past or if things happen in the future we will not hold back... _

_ Have a nice day at your rugby training or whatever 😉😉😉 _

^^^^^

** ya.average.joe **

_ So apparently  _ _ I _ _ passed the test. _

_ And  _ _ I _ _ can't do  _ _ anything _ _ bad or him and Lucy will destroy me. _

_ I must say Jospeh your friends really do love you! _

_ I just got one question _

_ Did he use the winky face emoji _

_ 😉 _

_ That one _

_ Yes he used it 3 times at the end. Why? _

_ Nothing  _ _ I'm _ _ just seeing if he likes pissing me off with it or if he  _ _ genuinely _ _ uses it with  _ _ everyone _

^^^^^

**Joe's POV**

** r.m.i002 **

_ Your husband is adorable and  _ _ I'm _ _ scared  _ _ I _ _ scared him off. _

_ We  _ _ should _ _ fly him over to  _ _ New York _ _ and show him good american time 😉😉. _

_ Because he seems very formal, like me _ _ ,  _ _ and _ _ if that tells us anything it's that he's depressed. _

_ You didn't scare him off you just  _ _ terrified _ _ him _

_ So the _ _ bitch told you. I see. _

_ Bunch of betraying whores. _

_ Shut up  _ _ I'm _ _ making a gc so you can apologise and lax a bit _

_ Ur not my mum 😤 _

^^^^^

_**ya.average.joe created a group chat with r.m.i002 and ben._jones!** _

** #showbengoodmericatime **

_ Rami, apologise for being a  _ _ psychopath _ _ to Ben please. It was not anticipated and  _ _ you _ _ sounded like a fucking serial killer _

** r.m.i002:  ** _ sorry Benjamin, it's just the truth. Hurt my  _ _ Joey _ _ and  _ _ you're _ _ as dead as my soul. But on the plus side, you're in my good books, which are still my books so watch it, however  _ _ I _ _ put forth the idea to fly you to the states and show you all the good things we have to offer over here. _

** r.m.i002:  ** _ joe not being one of  _ _ those _ _ things _

_ Fuck you Rami you sack of shit _

_ Do you talk like an  _ _ upstate _ _ hoe on your E-boy gc or just infront of others? _

** r.m.i002:  ** _ idk what  _ _ you're _ _ talking  _ _ about _ _. I talk how  _ _ I _ _ always talk... 😉😉 _

_ Rami  _ _ you _ _ can't even wink with your right eye stfu _

** ben._jones:  ** _ america seems big and  _ _ scary _ _.  _ _ I'd _ _ prefer _ _ it here, but maybe  _ _ I _ _ can show you two #goodbritishtime ! _

** ben._jones:  ** _ annnnnnnd iiiiiiiiiooop this reminds me Joseph remember Gwil _ _ ; _

_ The batshit one  _ _ that's _ _ making that box thingy? _

** ben._jones:  ** _ Yeah  _ _ I _ _ was kinda  _ _ panicking _ _ to him about the interrogation (to  _ _ Rami _ _ those were his words not mine) and now he  _ _ wants _ _ to speak with you _

_ Well shit here we go again _

^^^^^

_**sexydavidtennant has requested to follow you** _

_**Request accepted!** _

_**^^^^^** _

**s** **exydavidtennant**

_Hello_

_We have been mutuals for a while but_ _I_ _believe_ _this is the first time_ _we've_ _spoken_

_What's_ _your_ _favourite_ _album_

_Queen 2_

_Nice_

_Fave song_

_Father to Son_ _outside_ _of STL and BoRhap_

_Nice_

_Wbu_

_ Idk  _ _ I _ _ don't have favourites  _ _ I'm _ _ too chaotic _

_I'm_ _making a hot space box_

_I've_ _done deaky and freddie so far_

_Wanna see?_

_Pls_

**Photo**

_Fucking fantastic_

_Do you know what else is fucking fantastic?_

_Ben_

_Ben_

_Nice_

_So don't hurt him. Don't leave him with trust issues. Don't denote who he is. Don't be cruel don't be cowardly and don't eat pears_

_Sorry_ _I'm_ _referencing shit_

_Don't make him hate himself or_ _I_ _will make you hate yourself_

_I already hate myself so ur gonna need a different way of doing_ _that_ _but dont worry_ _I'm_ _never gonna hurt him_

_Mood, but bro that's fucking sad do you need to talk about it?_ _I'm_ _always here for you if you do_

_Nah its_ _alright_ _I'm_ _just a_ _problematic_ _shit with anxiety n shit_

_Aah_ _I_ _see_

_Well that may suck for you but_ _I_ _will be here to make_ _you_ _not hate you 🙂_

_Cos we are all bastards, and we must unite_

_We're all bastards?_

_YEAH OKAY SO_

_I am welsh bastard_

_Ben is kinky bastard_

_Why is ben kinky bastard (pls tell me as his husband_ _I_ _have rights)_

_The only straight thing about_ _him_ _is his teeth because he had braces for a long time and_ _I_ _always said he was kinky cos his teeth were in chastity_

_So he is kinky bastard_

_I love that_

_You can be.... idek_

_You radiate bottom energy_

_You can be bottom bastard_

_Idk_ _whether_ _to be hurt or like-_

_It would only hurt if it were true, so_ _you're_ _a bottom. Done deal._

_We're all bastards of varying degrees_

_I'm_ _making that gc right ducking now_

_^^^^^_

_**Sexydavidtennant** _ _**created** _ _**a groupchat with ben._jones and ya.average.joe!** _

** Bastards of Vary Degrees **

_ Hubby  _ _ apparently _ _ I'm _ _ bottom bastard _

** ben._jones:  ** _ it's not wrong. _

_ ☹☹ _

** ben._jones:  ** _ no but it's like, power bottom! _

** sexydavidtennant:  ** _ no he aint _

** ben._jones:  ** _ okay maybe not but we're all bastards! Welsh bastard, bottom bastard and me! _

_ Kinky bastard _

** ben._jones:  ** _ well no because  _ _ I'm _ _ not kinky. _

** sexydavidtennant:  ** _ fucking vanilla ass hoe _

^^^^^

**#showbengoodmericatime**

_**r.m.i002 added 12.5.04** _

** r.m.i002:  ** _ Lucy wanted to be  _ _ added so _ _ I _ _ added her. She brings the best of both worlds. _

** 12.5.04:  ** _ alcohol _

** 12.5.05:  ** _ and ok Hannah  _ _ Montana _ _ you do you _

** ben._jones:  ** _ lmao how long has it been since Lucy was actually here long enough to be a tour guide tho. _

** 12.5.04:  ** _ I _ _ go every summer but yeah  _ _ I _ _ only go london and only for 10 days😫😫 fucking basic ass family _

_ That's why we can only show you good  _ _ America _ _ time _

_ Cos you cant show us the whole of the uk by urself _

** ben._jones:  ** _ pretty damm sure the whole of america is much, much bigger than the whole of the uk, but you are  _ _ wrong _ _. I have a secret weapon. _

** r.m.i002:  ** _ omg if he has nukes we are fuqed. _

_ NO WAIT I CONNECTED THE DOTS _

** 12.5.04:  ** _you didnt connect shit_

_I_ _connected_ _them_

_**ben._jones added** _ _**sexydavidtennant** _

** G:  ** _ sup fuckers _

** R:  ** _ why do you have my phone? _

** L:  ** _ Fuck you  _ _ that's _ _ why _

** G:  ** _ yall validated _

** B:  ** _ Americans _ _ meet Gwilym. Gwil meet the Americans, well, and  _ _ Lucy _ _. She's british. _

** L:  ** _ where are you from _

** G:  ** _ Midlands _

** B:  ** _ brum _

** L:  ** _ *shivers* _

** G:  ** _ nooooo my parents are welsh so  _ _ I'm _ _ welsh fuck yall n ur brummie hating arses _

_ I still don't get what the fuss is with Birmingham like ?! _

** L:  ** _ *you wouldn't understand* _

_ Anyway  _ _ I _ _ already knew Gwil *flexes* _

** G:  ** _ shut up you bottom bastard _

**L** :  _HA_

**R** : _JOE'S A BOTTOM BASTARD_

**G** :  _Joseph is a bottom bastard_

_ Stahp _

**R** :  _Joseph Francis Mazzello is a bottom bastard_

**L** :  _Joseph Francis Mazzello the third is a bottom bastard_

**B** _ : that's his name? _

_ Yes... _

_ I'm _ _ the third me _

** B ** _ : that's  _ _ majestic _ _ as fuck _

_ Mhmm its r e a l l y unique _

** R ** _ : as unique as my  _ _ genes _ _ are _

** L ** _ : (he has an identical twin) _

** B ** _ : you have an identical twin? _

** G ** _ : she just said that _

** B ** _ : stfu 😤. _

** G ** _ : he has a point tho _

** G ** _ : are  _ _ yall _ _ like proper identical tho _

_ I still have to wait till one of them talks before  _ _ I _ _ can recognise which is which. _

** L ** _ :  _ _ I _ _ accidentally _ _ kissed Sam's cheek once cos  _ _ I _ _ thot it was ram _

** G ** _ : WAITWAITWAIT YALL WHAT WAIT WHAAAAAT _

** G ** _ : so okay  _ _ explain _ _ dynamics with everyone _

** G ** _ : cos this shit is like a fucking family tree if the tree was a weeping willow _

_ Dynamics for everyone or  _ _ just _ _ them? _

** G ** _ : E V E R Y O N E _

_ Okay imma  _ _ draw _ _ a little diagram for this so of someone wanna explain whilst  _ _ I _ _ do diagram _

** B ** _ : Lucy and Rami are an item, me and Joe are married, ur like my brother so ur across from me and  _ _ apparently _ _ Rami has a twin called Sam and judging by his bio he does not like them but who likes their brothers? _

** L ** _ : sam  _ _ is _ _ Sami yeah they have  _ _ pretty _ _ much _ _ the same name _

** R ** _ : no cos  _ _ they're _ _ pronounced differently Luce _

** L ** _ : okay yeah Rami's 'a' is pronounced like the a in car and Sami's is like the  _ _ British _ _ northern way of saying bastard _

**R** _ : there's different ways of saying  _ _ it in _ _ the north and south? _

** R:  ** _ okay. _

_ OkAy _

** B:  ** _ oKaY _

** G ** :  _ ₒₖₐᵧ _

** R:  ** _ am  _ _ I _ _ missing _ _ something? Or are yall just daft? _

** G:  ** _ D A F T _

** L:  ** _ daft? _

** B:  ** _ daft! _

_ iwaiwyebwkeieDaFt _

** R:  ** _daft._

_**ben._jones renamed the groupchat** _

**Dysfunctional Family GC**

_Fucking fantastic_

** R ** _:_ _I_ _love this_

** R ** _:_ _I_ _love_ _that_ _this_ _is a trustworthy at the moment chat and yall_ _beautiful_ _s o u l s but_ _I_ _can trigger_ _anyone_ _in here and_ _I_ _got the power_ _. _

_No you can't_

** G ** _: I wanna see what he thinks he can do the hoe_

** L ** _: he annoys me all the time tbh he just has to breathe_

** R ** _: Lucille_

** R ** _: the fuck?_

** L ** _: 🤷🏼♀️_

** B ** _: trigger us._

** G ** _: do it pussy_

** R ** _: deacy_

_WOAHWOAHWOAHWOAHWOAH_

** G ** _: SHUT THE FRONT FUCKING DOOOOR_

** B ** _: PFFFFFFFFF_

** G ** _: ENGLISH PHONETICS STATES THAT IF A 'C' IS FOLLOWED BY AN 'E' OR AN 'I' OR A 'Y' THEN IT MAKES AN 'S' SOUND 😤😤_

** B ** _: FUCKING DEESEE BICTH 😫_

_SMFHHHHHHHHHHHHHH_

** L ** _:_ _I_ _don't get it_

** R ** _: bontyn_

** L ** _:_ _I_ _know ur just doing this to be annoying_

** R ** _:_ _Lucille_ _Bontyn_

** L ** _: its fucking_ _boynton_ _you arsehole_

** R ** _: HA!_

** R ** _:_ _Alexa_ _play staying power._

_😬_

** B ** _: 😬._

** G ** _: 😬_

_Let's_ _all just agree to hate_ _Rami_

** B ** _: here yee._

** G ** _: aye_

** L ** _: mhm_

** G ** _: judgement passed_

**R** _: objection!_

_Overruled_

** R ** _: 🖕_ _. _

  
** B:  ** _ before rami gets outcasted  _ _ I'd _ _ just like to ask; what music do you like? _

** R:  ** _ no clue. If it goes aaaahdananaahaaaaa  _ _ I _ _ like it! _

** G:  ** _... _

** G:  ** _ you do  _ _ realise _ _ theres a  _ _ thing _ _ called Roger Taylor right _

** R:  ** _ no like- _

** L:  ** _ he likes old music. Vera Lynn n shit. The "aahs" are either him trolling or like you know that song  _ _ that's _ _ like doodoodoodoodoodooooo _

** L:  ** _ AAAAAAAAAAH _

_ fuck off what do  _ _ you _ _ think my name is, Shazam? _

** G:  ** _ hehehehe _

** G:  ** _ I _ _ know the song _

** B:  ** _ guys  _ _ I have _ _ to go 😭😭😫 _

** R:  ** _ WhERe? _

_ Why did your letters come out like that tf _

** R:  ** _ fuuuuck  _ _ knows _ _. _

** B:  ** _ I _ _ have to go to training. Life sucks 🙂 _

** G:  ** _ can we all put an F in the chat for Benjamin please _

_ F _

** L:  ** _ F xxx _

** G:  ** _ ᶠ _

** R:  ** _ F _

** R:  ** _ how'd you do the little f thing? _

** G:  ** _ īť§ å şəčřëț _

_ Wtf _

** L:  ** _ tf _

** R:  ** _ can anyone else do that because  _ _ I _ _ cannot. _

_ Nooooo _

** G:  ** _ ben can but hes gone now _

_ Wait hes gone _

** G:  ** _litterally just said that_

_Bastard_

_^^^^^_

** ben._jones **

_ Listen up hoe  _ _ I _ _ know  _ _ you're _ _ still active  _ _ you always _ _ say ur leaving too early _

_ Answer me _

_ Fabulous way to talk to your husband. _

_ Love you _

_ Have fun _

_ And next time text me to say when  _ _ you're _ _ actually leaving or  _ _ I _ _ will fucking incarnate myself and walk across the ocean and slap you. _

_ Have a good time hubby ❤❤ _

_ Thank you Joseph Francis Mazzello III ❤❤❤❤❤ _

_ why call me that _

_ Fucking majestic. _

_ Fair enough _

_ I actually have to go now, and  _ _ I'll _ _ try text you after but  _ _ I'll _ _ be exhausted so if  _ _ I _ _ dont then have a great day tomo and dont stay up all night because it's bad for your heart  _ _ and _ _ I _ _ wouldn't want you to die. Love you too ❤ _

_ Ugh fine  _ _ I _ _ won't die cos you said so smh _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed whatever this was. I'm finally at home with wifi, which I've been without for the last week, so more updates?! I hope so!!


	5. i can feel the warning signs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "If this is what falling in love is like, what is falling out of love like?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter goes out to Sleep Deprivation and Creative License.

** Dysfunctional Family GC **

** G:  ** _ okay lads and ladettes _

**G:** **** _ if y _ _ ou had to describe me in 3 words, what would they be _

** G:  ** _ this _ _ is for science _

** L:  ** _ funny, lanky, obsessed _

_ Absolutely batshit feral _

** G:  ** _ gHeE tHaNkS _

_ Don't worry bout it _

_ If  _ _ I _ _ was to describe myself in 3 words it would be general fucking disappointment so we're in the same boat _

** G:  ** _ yknow what that makes me feel a bit better _

** L:  ** _ I _ _ would be _

** L:  ** _ constantly fucking hungover _

_ I swear it was  _ _ yesterday _ _ you were worried about everyone thinking  _ _ you're _ _ an alcoholic _

_ And then you say things like that _

_ And  _ _ I'm _ _ wondering _ _ why  _ _ I _ _ don't believe it too _

** L:  ** _ stfu  _ _ mazzello _ _ no one  _ _ asked _ _ for your opinion on my  _ _ habits _

** G:  ** _ *leaves chat* _

** G:  ** _ guys  _ _ I _ _ was  _ _ only _ _ asking for the vibe check _

** G:  ** _ jk  _ _ I'm _ _ making _ _ aesthetics _ _ of everyone _

_ Like a moodboard _

** G:  ** _ yes, which reminds me _

^^^^^

**Gwils POV**

_**sexydavidtennant has added r.m.i002 and 12.5.04 to groupchat!** _

_**sexydavidtennant has named groupchat** _

**Ineedmugsofjoe**

_ Hello american and bicultural girl _

_ I need pictures of Joe _

_ For science _

** R:  ** _ what do we get from it? _

** L:  ** _ I _ _ mean am willing to give them but if there's a reward then  _ _ I _ _ wanna know _

_ Fuck man  _ _ I'm _ _ broke _

_ And i cant repay you with roger  _ _ Taylor _ _ or david tennant _ _ pictures _ _like_ _I_ _usually would_

_ Can you not just give me them _

** L:  ** _ tell you what _

** L:  ** _ give us pictures of Ben and we give pictures  _ _ of _ _ joe _

** L:  ** _ that way  _ _ I _ _ can torture Joe with his eye spy wit my beedy eye smthn  _ _ beginning _ _ with c _

_ Crush _

** R:  ** _ Cr _ _ ush. _

** L:  ** _ precisely _

_ I  _ _ guessed _ _ it but  _ _ I _ _ think  _ _ Ben's _ _ on the same boat tbh  _ _ they're _ _ arse over fucking tit for each other _

_ Idk  _ _ what _ _ to make of it tbh _

_ They're _ _ both young and like, a couple thousand miles away from each  _ _ other _

_ But they falling harder than idk Rome _

** L:  ** _ rami fell off the stage at school once. That was pretty tough and funny _

** R:  ** _ why are  _ _ you _ _ telling him this? _

** L:  ** _ why tf not _

_ I don't believe you two are together _

_ Ben and joe text with more love in their messages than you two _

** R:  ** _ falling in love with your best friend can either go extremely good or extremely bad, and lucky for us it's the best thing we've got going. _

_ Okay now  _ _ I _ _ believe _ _ it _

_ That's _ _ sum emo shit right there _

** L:  ** _ I _ _ would be crying but  _ _ I _ _ have no soul. _

_ HA mood _

** L:  ** _ HaHahA YEaH _

_ So do we have a deal or not mr emo and mrs no soul _

** L:  ** _ I _ _ mean if  _ _ I _ _ really wanted to  _ _ I _ _ could find pictures of ben in a snap but  _ _ I _ _ cant be arsed so sure why tf not _

_ He told me about that _

_ How tf did you find his baby pictures _

** R:  ** _ I _ _ was there  _ _ with _ _ her and I don't know how she did it. _

  
As the pictures he requested flooded in from both parties across the Atlantic, Gwil couldn't help but think about his blonde buddy. This boy he considers as much a brother as his actual siblings, and what he's getting into.

He knows what happend to Ben last time, and he knows Ben is very... it takes him a while to trust people for him, the poor soul. It isn't his fault in any way yet it'll probably affect him for the rest of his life, and he's only young!

The way he talks about Joe, _Joseph_ as he always says; it's full admiration. There hasn't been one time in the while Ben and Joe have known eachother where Ben hasn't had any negatives to say about Joe. He couldn't say anything bad if he tried!

And after speaking, and getting to know Joe, it really is reciprocated.

How two teenage boys, both at a significant point in their life, practically falling for each other over the phone. It's unconventional but damn it, it's true. The feelings they have for eachother are palpable through that blank mirror for everyone who seems them except the people they're meant to be.

All they do is deny it. _I'm not falling for_ _Joe_ Ben would vouch _. Ben is just my best friend_ Joe would swear _!_ _I'm_ _not falling for him!_ Well, now Gwil knows; if Rami and Lucy can sense it too, confirming it isn't just him, then he does need to go into big brother mode.

Not the big brother in 1984, but into protection mode. Ben is not getting hurt again. It isn't that Gwil has a sense of Joe ever doing something like that to Ben, no, he's just as deep in shit as Ben, but you protect what you love. You make sure it's okay.

^^^^^

**Joe's POV**

** ben._jones **

_ Benny! _

_ Benjamin!! _

_ B _

_ B _

_ B _

_Answer me you beautiful son of a bitch_

_ Yes? _

_ Are you okay? _

_ No but  _ _ I'm _ _ bored and Rami and Lucy are doing couple things so there's no one to talk to _

_ Pls tell me you can talk before your training plsplsplspslslslsl _

_ I can do yes, just give me a minute to  _ _ look presentable _ _! _

_ Oh fuck off  _ _ you're _ _ gorgeous ain't no one gonna be worrying how you look especially me now get your ass on the phone _

Not five seconds later, his phone was buzzing as a call came in from Ben, unsurprisingly, and he immediately pressed his screen, possibly microscopically cracking it from the force. It was enough of a compulsion to answer the call to ignore his own presentation of looks; a mess. Yes, he looked a mess.

A cute mess, but a mess nonetheless.

His hair was floppy, as per usual, framing his face in a childish manner, but his parting fell uneven down the left of his head, not even to mention how exhausted he looked despite it not being that late in the day. Okay, so he didn't look horrible, not even close; he's adorable as said above by anyones standards, but even the cutest stuffed bear looks horrible with it's eyes torn out.

But then you have Ben. The aesthetic, roman statue, greek god looking Benjamin Jones, who's laying on his bed watching television, arguably looking as bad as he can be, still looking like an angel with a somehow dark red light illuminating his room and Joe's screen, apart from the blinding white light from what Joe could remember being Ben's television.

He was clad in a black sweater, _no_ , hoodie, if he remembers correctly... the damned thing has a hood on it, and pockets at the front, and looks as if its 3 sizes to big on Ben. _I wonder how big it would be on me if_ _I_ _could_ _have it_ , Joe pondered, the thought more appearing in his brain rather than being conceived. _Now is not the fucking time you hormonal shit._

"Hello mistah, how are you doin'?" The blonde smiled upwards with droopy eyes, clearly just waking up from a nap and although Joe could see why he may have wanted time to look "presentable", he really doesn't need it. His camera was set up so it looked down on him, but not by a mile. His phone was being held up by the backrest of his bed in some sort of spur of the moment panic about calling Joe and having to hold a phone up to his face. _At least from this angle_ , Ben reasoned with himself, _Joe can't see the redness in your_ _eyes_.

"Alright thank you, _mistah_." He mocked the british accent, as he loves to do for some reason. It's just as amusing to the originator, who thinks Joe does a superb job apart from the stereotypes that get brought along with it. "I gotta design a character. I'm doing a performance with Rami and I need to come up with a character, who the only thing I know about them is that they are a rock 'n roll stan in the late 80s."

Looking up at the camera, the much-larger-than-his-head hood covering his emerald eyes for a moment, Ben simply smiled at his husband, oh sorry, _husband_ , who became rather flushed in deep crimson at the tiny movement. "And you want me to help?" Voice raspy, lord, there was no wonder Joe was falling so hard.

_I'm not actually crushing on him!_ He reminded himself.

No, crushes are silly things you can get over in a heartbeat, over someone you don't have a chance with, and not that he thinks he has a chance with Ben, but subconsciously, in the part of his brain that melts everytime he hears Ben's thick accent or curly hair, it's under the section called love. Proper love.

And maybe Joe just lacks a bit too much common sense to realise that.

No wait, that's _exactly_ the problem.

"That's what being married is about, isn't it? Helping each other out and such?"

"Of course, but I must warn you I'm still very exhausted and I have training later but yes, I'll help where I can." Ben threw his remote across the other side of his bed, the somber sixtie's tune of The Kinks _Sunday Afternoon_ subtly playing in the background as Ben adjusted himself to face Joe, who was getting out his pen and paper to jot down any ideas that would be discussed.

"Brilliant, now, character's name?" He spoke as he wrote down _name_ on the page, right at the top to signify the absolute starting point, because that's what this was... an absolute starting point; Joe loves to procrastinate.

"Pff, you haven't even got a- right, erm, Rory... Tiger Taylor. Rory Tiger Taylor. Fucking mix the names of Roger's kids together, it sounds fucking badass!" Blondie tiredly laughed, threading a hand through his uncombed bed hair. "And very 80s."

So that's what Joe wrote down, understanding the reference to Queen, which there would probably be lots of both in this character and in the scene he has to write, where he can already imagine his character walking in, barefoot on the left side, being inquired about it and delivering with a high pitch "I've lost my shoe!" That's for another day however, perhaps tommorow if he can get a basic structure out today. It all depends if him and Ben can actually keep on track and not get distracted by the plane that's gone by the formers window. "Dress style?"

"Well, you said rocker, in the late 80s, so I'd say band tee with leather jacket, denim jeans and pink sparkly converse!"

"Okay first of all, I love it," Joe told as he got down his _hubby's_ words. "Second of all, weren't pink sparkly converses a 70s look?"

"I want a pair of pink sparkly converses, meaning it's stayed in the public conscious from the 70s till today. And you can just make your character a queen stan, and I wouldn't be surprised if a queen stan from the actual time period would actually have a pair." There was no denying that, now. "Can I ask, what is the play about?"

"Well basically Rami is the this 16 year old boy who's house burned down 8 years ago and killed his mother in the process, so 8 years later after the police dropped the case, he goes around interviewing the 3 main suspects of the case to sort it out themselves, and I play suspect 2, a 24 year old dude who's basically a mix of Freddie Mercury's flamboyancy and witiness, with the intelligence of Albert Einstein and cluelessness of myself. Anyway, at the end of the performance everyone visits the grave of the mom who died and they say last words to her and then Rami says his last words and he says 'I didn't mean to kill you, or cause all this fuss, they were just coming after me.' And that's that."

Trying to process it all, the brit squinted, going over it all in his head twice over before nodding, understanding without really understanding. "That seems complicated, but I'm not one for acting. Sports is my forte, as you know. The _80s_ however, that is my forte!"

"Yeah, I know what my character is like, but I don't know them. I know they're quick witted, and that they have a shit tonne of confidence, but they also have trust issues, and they are easily cowered away. Very intelligent with zero common sense and an aspiration to be the best in the room. Him and his pink sparkly shoes, which I will have to go hunting for again since I already have done before, and failed." The ginger clicked his pen in and out a couple times, staring out his bedroom window to the chaos of city life outside before snapping back from his headspace to smiley Ben, causing a smile of his own to burst. "But anyway, any little traits Rory should ha-"

"Make him British I beg of you! I want to hear you talking like Roger Taylor in this production and if you don't I will sue!" Something seemed to have awoken in Ben as he appeared more lively, awake, alert and prepared, compares to the completely shattered Joe who, in lack of better terms, looks the same adorable mess he did before. So now, you would see the mess, and the gorgeous, presentable Ben (which he always was, but if joe were to say what Ben would do when he says "look presentable" it would be whatever he just did.)

"You want me to talk like Roger Taylor? What even makes you think I'm good at accents?"

"I've heard you mock him, Freddie, John and myself, which I must say you're really improving in. Before, it was kind of meh," he demonstrated by wiggling his hand about at his chest level. "But it's about, eh," he rose his hand a tad higher to his eyes, looking back to the camera in emphasis.

Joe rolled his eyes, smirking a smile bigger than any other today, or yesterday... probably since the last time he video called Ben. "Okay, I'm alright at accents I guess." He began, muttering the next under his breath in a subconscious move. "'Specially of people I love."

But Ben had caught that, and boy did it lighten up his day. He had caught the time and realised he would have to leave for Rugby soon but that little thing, line, quote Joe just gave through made it okay to go, because he felt a whole rush course through him like morphine (he doesn't know what morphine feels like, but the best he would be able to explain it as would be a sugar rush and that doesn't emphasise it enough.) Debating whether he should acknowledge it or keep the little notion to himself, he decides for the latter, for the reason of informing Joe that he had heard and perhaps getting to see him blush again.

Something about causing Joe blush causes a greeting he could only vocalise as "stomach, meet butterflies. Butterflies, do your thing."

"Aww, you love me!"

Whether it was a blush or absolute panic was unbeknownst to himself, but Joe once again turned a dark scarlet from the blood rushing to his face from what Ben had said.

_What's the problem, it's true, isn't it?_

_SSH!!_

"SOrry?" His voice cracked in a similar fashion to that of Spread Your Wings.

"You said you love doing accents, especially of people you love, which means you love me!" Ben teased, taking hold of his camera and grinning smugly into the lens, admiring Joe's wide eyes and suddenly ghostly pale complexion, which still managed to hold a beautiful face upon it. "Don't worry, I love you too." He revealed.

See, it's easy to tell someone you love them over text. Whether you do or not is another question, but you can say it because you have the mask of a keyboard to shield you.

This is their first time saying it to eachother, audibly and face to face. Sure, Ben's imagined being able to hear Joe say those three words for a while now, not that he'd dare tell a soul that, but he has.

And Joe? Well, Joe's imagined a whole lot of other things too...

"That's too sweet for me to handle. No more sweet things. Be a bastard."

"I couldn't if I tried." Giddy and excitable yet somehow disguised by a heavy tone, he spoke in a way that really emphasised how he was a golden retriever in a lions body. "That sounded really cocky, wow."

Both of then could've sworn Joe winked right then, Ben out of hope and Joe out of embarrassment.

_Damn_ , he's supposed to be an actor. _Act normally for fucks sake!_

"Oh you love it though!" Joe's confidence shone through, even just for a moment. Just for a short period of time to be able to say something like **that**. "Sorry, that came out weird."

"Don't sweat it. I was actually going to say something but it's completely gone from my mind." Ben looked at his television screen for such a while that Joe became concerned for his eyes, which were burning and tearing from a lack of moisture. The song had even changed from _Jumpin Jack Flash_ to _A Whiter Shade Of Pale_ , which caused Ben to wipe his eyes and glance up to his, well, whatever could be said about them, but what he would call his admiration.

"This song reminds me of you, y'know. I was listening to it at school once and you was on my mind, and now everytime I hear it, I think about you." They were both thoroughly taken aback by the younger's words, neither expecting it. Emotional turbine would be a great way to describe the elder in this moment, as he reveled in the fact that someone thought about him away from them conversing. And of all people, the one he cares about in such hugh regards, and it's reciprocated! He can safely say he's never had that feeling before, nor does he ever want to feel that emptiness again. There's something about being missed when you're not around that makes you feel complete.

In some whirlwind safespace containing his worries, his routines, Ben spoke with passion and truthfulness. To be able to relate someone to something else gives and keeps memories, so it's always sad when the person who gave you the best memories becomes one themself. Luckily, Ben won't allow Joe to go anywhere. Never. It was at this point of realising a need of Joe to stay that he continued talking, words gushing out with no point in trying to stop them.

"It's slow, but it isn't very long, so you're thinking it's going fast when the same amount of time is plopping along, defying the norm. It's soft, calming and peaceful. You could lean back with your head hanging off your bed and listen to it to drown out all your problems. You know the song even if you don't know the name because it's recognisable, through time. It's like you; defies normality, it's soft, calming, peaceful, relaxing, you know it's in the room without having to be there long," a sharp inhale drew his rising heartbeat to a singular dip. "And it's romantic."

How Joe would live up to that he did not know.

Stunned, he tried his hardest to process it all. For someone who proclaimed "acting is not my forte", he gave one hell of a soliloquy, and topped it off beautifully. If he wanted to, he could analyse every pause, every breath, every enunciated word, but where would that get him? Everything Ben meant in that, he said, and everything he needed to say was said. There's nothing to hide and nothing to analyse, and why Joe doesn't want to per se think of it like that is because it's selfish. Completely and utterly selfish to cater to his own needs and wants for someone who has specific feelings for the person who opened up, but then again there isn't a single selfish thing in it.

Feelings in love are two ways, when it's meant that is, and it can't be helped. Selfishness can't really be a thing then, for you can't call yourself selfish for hogging, grasping at something someone is giving you that they can't help when it's in a positive light such as this. The red light of Ben's room that seems so fitting, so easing. _It's romantic_.

Deciding to have enough of the silence, Joe let it rip, verbatim. Similar to Ben in that he can't stop the words flowing except rather than a calculated, thoughtful monologue that the OP spoke in, Joe is a complete waffler by nature.

"I'm not good at sports, I'm a picky, messy eater and half the time I don't make sense. I probably frustrate you a lot even, but I adore you." Looking at one another, so close yet so far apart, an aura of contentness seeped through between them as the song played _And although my eyes were_ _open_ _, they might just have well have been closed._ "Ben, I-"

"BENJAMIN GET THE FUCK DOWN HERE OR YOU'RE GONNA BE LATE." Came the voice of Ben's father, calling him at such a wrong moment. "I'M NOT CALLING YOU AGAIN!" _Again? You haven't called before this!_

"I've got to go." Ben had gathered his senses, slipping out of his mindfulness to get up and grab a bag that was pre-packed, his headphones on a windowsill being put in his pocket before he grabbed his phone. "But I'll talk to you tommorow, yeah?"

"Y- yeah, of course, yes-"

"Alright, talk soon, love you, g'night!"

^^^^^

**r.m.i002**

_RED A FUCKING LERT_

_RED_

_AFUCKING_

_LERRRTTTTT_

_yes?_

_EMOTIONS ARE FLOODING OVER ME_

_IDK IF THIS IS GOOD OR BAD_

_IM SO-_

_I'VE BEEN SO FUCKING DUMB_

_can_ _I_ _guess this is to do with your friend Benjamin?_

_WHAT?_

_okay,_ _sorry_ _for presuming, continue._

_NO THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT THIS JS_

_TF_

_HE WAS LIKE_

_ SAYING SOME INSTAGRAM EMO WORTHY SHIT ABOUT HOW THIS SONG REMINDED HIM OF ME _

_AND HE SAID IT WAS ROMANTIC_

_AND_

_AND_

_HE SAID HE LOVES ME AND OBV HE DOESNT MEAN IT LIKE I MEAN IT WHEN I SAY IT AND IDEK IF I LOVE HIM LIKE THAT BUT LIKE_

_I SAID SOME STUFF TOO_

_AND NKW IM PANICKING_

_HA_

_1) real panic or emphasis panic_

_NO CLUE_

_take a deep breath, collect your thoughts, just relax_

_2)_ _I_ _can safely_ _say that_ _you are very much falling for him and that your feelings are real feelings, and that's okay. It's nothing to worry about. To be honest, you haven't been subtle about it,_ _so_ _I'm glad_ _you've_ _both got it out of the way now._

_RAMI IM_

_AAAH_

_in love?_

_YEAH_

_NOT DOING GOOD_

_is falling in love and not doing great the same thing?_

_APPARENTLY BECAUSE IM A FUCKING MESS RAMI_

_A FUCKING MESS THAT'S IN LOVE WITH SOMEOME CAPABLE_

_C A P A B L E_

_OF BEING WITH_

_NOT DEAD_

_NOT AROUND 70 YEARS OLD_

_ALIVE AND YOUNG AND HE SAID IT BACK_

_AND HE MEANS ITS PLANTONICALLY DAMNIT_

_ I HATE MYSELF _

_what does hating yourself have anything to do with_ _it_ _?_

_E V E R Y T H I N G_

_Lucy_ _said_ _to_ _stop_ _being a baby and own up to the fact that_ _you're_ _both deep in shit for each other, and_ _I_ _have to agree_ _._

_CALM THE FHXK DOWN JOSEPH_

_~ Lucy_

_HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO FACE HIM FROM NOW ON_

_WE'VE KNOWN EACHOTHER FOR LIKE WHAT_

_IDEK_

_BUT THAG AMOUNT OF TIME AND UGHHHHHH_

_I_ _just love him and idk what to do with myself_

_You want to know something?_

_Do i have a choice?_

_I think you both really like each other,_ _and_ _you have this bond with one another that is really something special. It evolved so quickly in friendship so_ _who's_ _to say what evolves in relationship can't be that quick too?_

_RAMI_

_HE LIVES ON A DIFFERENT CONTINENT_

_THE FUCKING ATLANTIC OCEAN SAYS WE CAN'T HAVE A RELATIONSHIP_

_AND 'quick' dEVELOPING EMPTIONS TO YOU IS REALLY FUCKING SPEEDY BECAUSE THEY ALL HIT TODAY_

_TODAY !!!_

_you_ _acknowledging_ _how you feel doesn't mean they haven't been there since the minute you first spoke about him to me._

_Admit it Joe._

_You are very much in love with him._

_IVE SAID THAT ABOUT FIVE FUCKING RAMI_

_I WANT TO DIE_

_THIS IS TOO MUCH_

_OMG SO MANY EMOTIONS_

_IF THIS IS WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE WHAT IS FALLIJG OUT OF LOVE LIKE_

_you're not falling in love._

_you fell in love_ _quite_ _a long time ago._

_WHATEVER_

_This is too much how do we even move forward from here_

_By walking?_

_Running if_ _you're_ _in a rush?_

_You're_ _a fucking idiot_

_Shut up mazzello_ _you're_ _a fool in love and_ _you're_ _only just realizing wow how original dipshit_

_~ Lucy_

_Tell lucy to fuck off_

_No._

_Fair enough_

_But honestly mazzy take our word for it, you're okay and_ _you'll_ _be okay with Ben. It might get complicated but ur a complicated geezer, yeah?_ _Ben's_ _gonna be conked out by the time he gets back so you until tomo morning to_ _prepare_ _yourself. Think about him man. The poor sod has to go_ _right_ _training after saying some_ _romantic_ _shit to_ _you_ _? I cud nevah_

_~ Lucy_

_This is so much in so little time_

_I agree but would you rather it be too short or too long._

_You make one hell of a point._

_I'm_ _a genius, now go text your man before you forget to._

^^^^^

**ben._jones**

_Hey B! I_ _know you_ _had to rush off,_ _and_ _it was awkward timing, but er, you won't get this till the morning so I'll say it now. I do love you, very much, and that takes some hell of balls for me to say. And it probably isn't much to you, but_ _I_ _only say it to the_ _people_ _I_ _mean it to, and_ _I_ _mean it to you_ _so_ _much, maybe the most._

_Oh, and I'm Yours, by Jason Mraz. I hear it and_ _I_ _think of you. Honest._

_Wake up well, have a great day tommorow_ _and_ _don't worry about things. Your smile is too gorgeous to be overtaken by panic. Love you, hope you had the most beautiful dreams ❤❤_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://youtu.be/Mb3iPP-tHdA  
> Please listen to all songs mentioned but none more so than A Whiter Shade of Pale. It makes me reminiscent of a time I wasn't alive for and is such a beautiful song.  
> Hope you enjoyed the chapter!!! The comments I've gotten have meant so much to me I cant thank you all enough! Love you ❤❤❤❤❤


	6. running around my mind

** Dysfunctional Family GC **

  
** B:  ** _ HEY GUYS I'M IN A REALLY GOOD MOOD!!! _

** B:  ** _ HOW'S EVERYONES DAYS GOING?! _

_ GOOD THANKS _

_ MY CHEERIOS WERE GORGEOUS _

** B:  ** _ FUCK I LOVE CHEERIOS. _

** G:  ** _ m8 y so hyped? _

** B:  ** _ NO FUCKING CLUE _

** B ** :  _ WELL _

** B ** :  _ I MADE A BAD DECISION _

** G ** :  _ if _ _ I _ _ could _ _ take a shot for every bad  _ _ decision _ _ I _ _ made,  _ _ I _ _ would be long gone dead. _

_ I think one bullet wound would kill me _

** G ** :  _ what _

** B ** :  _ WHAT _

_ wait _

_ You mean alcohol don't you _

**G** _ : ... yes _

**B** _ : JOSEPH THE FUCK _

_ I'm _ _ sorry my brain isn't doing do great this early in the day _

**R** _: its 3pm_.

**G** _ : holy shit Rami's here _

**B** _ : HE'S HERE _

_ The whore makes an appearance _

**R** _ : this is why  _ _ I _ _ don't pop up here often. _

**R** _ :  _ _ I _ _ lurk in the shadows. _

_ And like everyones messages and then disappear again _

**R** _ : yes. _

**B** _ : well how are you doing Rami _

_ There's no point he's gone now _

_ He won't be back for a week _

**B** _ : WHERE'S HE GOING?! _

_ nowhere _

_ It's just been a week since his last appearance in the group chat _

_ He gets all the tea from Lucy but she's still asleep  _ _ I _ _ think _

**G** _ : at 3pm? _

**G** _ : mood _

**B** _ : AHA _

_ B ur  _ _ worrying _ _ me _

_ I'm _ _ too sleep deprived to be more anxious than usual _

**B** _ : NOTHING'S WROMG I SWEAR _

**B** _ : *WROMG _

**B** _ : WRONG _

**B** _ : FUCK IM TURNING INTO JOSEPH WITH ALL THESE SPELLING ERRORS _

**B** _ : JUST DON'T CRY JOE _

**B** _ : #YOUCRYICRY _

_ #isufferyousuffer _

**B** _ : #YOUCRYISUPPLY _

_ #youcryanditsprobablybecauseofme _

**G** _ : this is the best representation of how Gen Z humour is full on Existential Depression _

**B** _ : who said it's  _ _ humour _

**G** _ : this is the best representation of how Gen Z Depression is full on humour _

_ Much better _

**B** _ : omg Joseph we're the best _

_ #wecanreadeachothersminds _

**B** _ : #wehaventmetyetbutwebereadingminds _

_ #oneoceanwontstopus _

**B** _ : #thefactthatyouhaveindepedancefromus- wontchangeourbond _

**G** _ :  _ _ yall _ _ crazy _

**B** _ : okay  _ _ I've _ _ had my fit of rage. _

_ That's good _

**B** _ : yeah am good now. _

**B** _ : maybe. _

_ Mayhaps _

**B** _ :  _ _ Brian mayhaps _

_ Brion _

**G** _ : broin _

_ We are mental _

_ But  _ _ I _ _ am the most  _ _ chaotic _

**G** _ :  _ _ I _ _ would like to enter mineself for most chaotic nd crazy _

_ No uts me _

_ It's* _

**B** _ :  _ _ I _ _ can only vouch for Gwils weird shit because Joey hasn't done anything dumb whilst  _ _ I've _ _ been around. _

_ I got stuck earlier _

**B** _ : stuck? _

_ I just got _

_ Stuck _

_ It's hard _ _ to explain _

_ So  _ _ I'll _ _ explain _

**G** _ : explain _

_ Basically  _ _ I _ _ trapped my foot in a box _

_ And my foot was stuck cos  _ _ I _ _ have big ass feet _

_ And  _ _ I _ _ didnt want to keep it on _

_ So  _ _ I _ _ cut it off _

**G** _ : YOU CUT UR FOOT OFF?! _

_ no the box dumbass _

**G** _ : 😂😂 _ _ I _ _ know it's okay  _ _ I _ _ have big feet too _

_ It was scary as hell _

_ But  _ _ I _ _ did it _

_ And now my foot hurts but at least it ain't stuck _

**B** _ : good job you didn't cut yourself _

_ No  _ _ I _ _ did _

**G** _ : WHAT _

**B** _ : JOSPEH! _

_ That's _ _ why my foot hurts _

**B** _ : HOW BAD?! _

_ It's not too deep _

**B** _ : clean it. Please don't get an infection. _

_ I am an infection _

**B** _ : incorrect _

**G** _ : he is a disease _

_ Correct _

**B** _ : clean it with water but don't fucking use  _ _ peroxide _ _. Put some medicine on it, like neosporin. Do you have that? And put a plaster on it so it doesn't get dirt in it. _

**B** _ : and don't die pls. _

**G** _ : omfg such a fucking mum _

_ I put water and hand wash/soap on  _ _ it _

_ Cos  _ _ that's _ _ why my dad did when he got chemical burns _

_ But it didnt help him because he had chemical burns _

**G** _ : he what now _

_ He was plumbing my grandparents kitchen sink using this  _ _ chemical _ _ shit and it  _ _ leaked _ _ out onto his shoe but cos its  _ _ chemicals _ _ it went through his shoes and onto his big toe so he got chemical burns and we had to wrap his foot in a plastic bag after he put hand soap on it and we went hospital and now he was a dip in his big toe and he won't gain any feeling there for another 5 years cos it burnt his skin and  _ _ killed _ _ his nerves _

**G** _ : what _

**G** _ : in the actual _

**G** _ : fuck _

**B** _ : my joseph wins that _

_ :-) _

**G** _ : :-( _

^^^^^

**ben._jones**

_B_

_Joseph?_

_I know when something is wrong._

_Nothing is wrong. I'm_ _okay_ _._ _I'm_ _just hyper!_

_You're never hyper_

_Even when_ _you're_ _hyped up_

_You just ramble_

_It's cute_

_But that's not the point_

_I don't want to bother you._

_Do_ _I_ _looked_ _bothered?_

_I can't see you._

_Okay smartass_

_I just wanna help you_

_I don't like seeing you not okay_

_I'm_ _always okay._

_Not when ur like thi_

_Like what?_

_Short._

_Like this._

_Full stops._

_N shit._

_I always use full stops._

_There's a difference trust me_

_A husband knows_

_I'm_ _just being an angsty piece of shit._

_I'm_ _not putting my thoughts on you._

_Seriously B_ _I_ _want to help_ _I_ _hate seeing you in the shit_

_Don't worry about me._

_If you don't fucking tell me_

_I swear_

_I don't think_ _I_ _can without giving something away._

_You might not be able to see me but_ _I'm_ _looking in my mirror and_ _I_ _don't look bothered_

_I'm just_

_Never going to find anyone._

_And that's upsetting._

_Because someone would be nice._

_Everyone has someone_

_If you_ _believe_ _in that shit, then yeah_ _I_ _guess._

_I do_

_It's absolute shit._

_You believe people were made for eachother? Half the_ _time_ _you heart gets broken_ _and_ _it's always your fault._

_There's a good fucking chance that there are people who have feelings for you but they don't have the guts to tell you._

_So I'm going to say you can believe what you wish, but it's shit._

_I don't believe people were made for eachother, not in every single romance in the world_

_You mom and dad bang and ur born. Ain't no shit to it_

_But on day ur gonna find love no matter what._

_I've_ _had my heart broken outside of romantic love but_ _I_ _still have hope!_

_Shits gonna happen_

_We're all going to grow up_

_And we'll find people who love us like we love them._

_Life will just fall into place._ _That's_ _how it works_

_Love is shit._

_Yeah but its gonna happen_

_It isn't inevitable. It doesn't have to happen._

_Nope it doesnt have to but it likely will if you want it to_ _that's_ _just statistics_

_Trust me if_ _I've_ _fallen to math to_ _rule_ _my life then you should trust it_

_TV_ _makes it likn so_ _beautiful_ _. So lovely. So realistic. It's shit. It's not going to_ _happen_ _like that. I don't even like me so how the fuck am_ _I_ _supposed to believe anyone loves me? It's bollocks!_

_Yeah and_

_Life is shit_

_At the end of the day u just gotta deal with it_

_Yeah not me. I don't deal with things._

_It's just about getting on with things._

_No_ _I_ _just don't fall in love. Ignore the feelings. If_ _I_ _do have feelings for them_ _I_ _won't tell them. No one actually loves me like they say they do. I don't believe_ _it_ _._

_Well_ _I_ _fucking do but that goes_ _without_ _saying._

_Everyone is different._

_For me,_ _I_ _wanna get married, have kids as chaotic as me and raise them_ _to_ _be good people. In all honesty there is an unlucky man_ _out there_ _who's_ _gonna be the one to sacrifice himself and marry me. Not that we're meant to_ _be_ _anything, shit will just end up that way._

_Sure, it would_ _be lovely_ _to have someone made especially for you but you can't ask that of someone._ _They're_ _their_ _own person_ _too._

_But yeah it would be nice if the person_ _I_ _end up with_ _is_ _more_ _than just a partner. A best friend._ _Someone_ _who gets me, but again you can't just ask that of someone._

_Take what you got because you won't get_ _anything_ _else._

_I've dated one person_ _seriously_ _. Y'know, cutsie love note relationship thing. That obv broke off and_ _they're_ _happy and_ _I'm_ _me._

_You will_ _grow_ _up and_ _marry_ _someone who knows you and understands you and who is_ _gorgeous_ _and you_ _two_ _will have beautiful babies and that man will be the luckiest person on the planet ever._

_But if_ _I'm_ _not happy,_ _I_ _won't stay in a situation. I won't make myself unhappy to have a falsely stereotyped life. It's not how_ _I_ _work. I make dramatic_ _decisions_ _. If,_ _doing_ _that,_ _I'm_ _happy_ _,_ _I'll_ _keep doing it._

_At this_ _stage_

_We're all still trying to find ourselves and_ _you're_ _not going to find yourself in another person_

_So_ _you're_ _not_ _gonna_ _be happy_

_No one is completely happy so you_ _gotta_ _be prepared. You have to be_ _ready_ _. Don't force it until_ _you're_ _mentally prepared_ _to_ _try. Just let_ _I_ _happen_ _and shit will_ _fall_ _into place._

_That's_ _what_ _I_ _say anyway_

_But_ _you_ _don't have to listen to me._

_You see_ _I_ _dont think you can love someone till you love yourself. I mean, you can say you love someone in and out of a relationship and mean it but_ _what's_ _the point if you can't even love who you are. I don't want to make people_ _suffer_ _with_ _my problems_ _and insecurities_ _. I don't think_ _I'm_ _handsome. I don't think_ _I'm_ _good enough._ _I'm_ _scared to be in a relationship where_ _I'll_ _constantly be convincing myself that this person clearly doesn't love like they say they do. I don't know if_ _I_ _want someone to love me. It's all so tedious. Hard to do. Most people think it's all about sex or nothing at all and_ _I'm_ _not like that._

_I don't want to become_ _vulnerable_ _to anyone._

_I know B._

_I know the struggle_

_You don't believe in love_ _because_ _you dont believe theres any love for yourself out there. I don't love myself at all. Idek if_ _I_ _have hope._ _I'm_ _just_ _praying_ _it_ _will_ _all work out and seeming optimistic to_ _those_ _who need it._

_I feel that._

_I can be_ _relatable_ _at times_

_Yeah_ _I_ _mean._

_They tell kids_ _it's all_ _meet your romeo or juliet and_ _I_ _feel bad because they won't._

_Ew who wants a_ _relationship_ _like that. They_ _both_ _fucking die at the end tf._

_It's less_ _like romeo and romeo or juliet and juliet or romeo and_ _juliet_ _and more like a story that hasnt been written yet._

_Not like that whole "write your own life story" shit cos_ _that's_ _bs_

_You cant compare your love with someone else like that of another because_ _it's all_ _so different. Could be like the Macbeths (again another tragedy but with witches) or Micky and Linda from blood_ _brothers_ _(_ _not_ _the best example_ _actually_ _all my examples are shit) or fucking_ _Freddie_ _mercury and jim_ _Hutton_ _the point is_

_Its gonna be what its gonna be... but it won't be that...?!_

_You and blank,_ _something_ _that hasn't been_ _written_ _yet._

_A new love story._

_Poetic_

_And also_

_I have a list of factually incorrect statements you made._

_1)_ _you're_ _the most beautiful thing my eyes have fucking_ _laid_ _upon idk when you went blind but fuck me_ _you're_ _gorgeous_

_2) don't ever say_ _you're_ _not good enough or_ _I_ _stg_ _I_ _will never speak to you_ _again_ _. Tryna come at me with that bullshit_

_3) love isnt_ _about_ _someone making_ _themselves_ _vulnerable_ _to the other_ _person_

_Then what is it about_

_Boy fuck it_ _I_ _know_

_I crush on 70 year olds_

_I don't have much of a_ _concept_ _of it_

_You seem very emotionally mature on it_

_We all have our strong points_

_Is there someone else_ _you're_ _crushing_ _on?_

_Because_ _I_ _think you could only be that sure if you were sure yourself._

_Well i mean like you say that^^_

_And i think of-_

_Wait a minute i gotta go for like 5 minutes_ _I'll_ _be back_

_Okay._

^^^^^

**_ya.average.joe created a groupchat with sexydavidtennant, r.m.i002 and 12.05.04!_ **

**_ya.average.joe named the groupchat_ **

**FUCKING HELP ME**

_WAS ANYONE GOING TO TELL ME IM IN LOVE WITH BEN_

_OR WERE WE JUST NOT GOING TO MENTION IT?!_

**R:** _you didn't know you_ _were_ _in love with him?_

**R** _:_ _I_ _thought we were all aware of this?_

**G** _: oh so when_ _it's a_ _Joe_ _issue_ _Rami_ _is here_

**G** _:_ _I_ _see_

**L** _:_ _it's either_ _me or him you_ _rarely_ _get both of us at once_

_UNLESS ITS A ME ISSUE AND GUYS_

_ThIS IS A ME ISSUE_

**L** _: what happened_

_We were talkin right_

_And it got angsty cos_ _I_ _could_ _tell something was wrong cos_ _I_ _can always tell_ _I_ _mean hes my husband_ _I_ _catch these things_

_Anyways it turned into a massive fucking_ _things_ _about_ _love_ _and shit_

_And he was like_

_"_ _You'll_ _grow_ _up_ _n_ _marry_ _someone_ _who knows and understands_ _you_ _and who is gorgeous"_

_And_ _I_ _realized_

_Holy shit hes describing himself_

_But_ _then_ _the bastard has the cheek to say he isn't beautiful which_ _I_ _mean is fucking lies_

_And_ _that_ _he isnt good enough_

_And ngl_ _I_ _cried a bit because_ _that's_ _awful aswell as L I E S_

_and_ _it's all_ _too much_

_But j love him_

_BUT THE FUCKER DOESNT WANT TO FALL IN LOVE_

_WHOMST THE FUCK LET THIS HAPPEN_

_WHST IS HE SCARED OF LIKE i GET IT BUT I DON'T_

**R** _:_ _I_ _have no clue_ _what_ _you're_ _getting at right now._

**G** _: hes_ _in_ _love_ _leave_ _the asshole alone_

**G** _: ben has trust issues no one is gonna fix quickly_

**G** _: hes scared to fall in love because he doesn't trust anyone when they say they love him no_ _matter_ _how many times_ _they'll_ _say it_

**G** _:_ _not_ _that he doesnt trust you, he just doesnt trust the "_ _I_ _love you"s_

_Well he better start_ _thinking_ _so_

_Because_ _I_ _fucking mean it_

**L** _: wheres that gonna get you if he doesn't know you love him romantically tho_

**L** _: because not being funny_

**L** _: if_ _it's taken_ _you, the actual person in love,_ _this_ _long to figure out_ _you're_ _in love, how long_ _is_ _it going to_ _take_ _him?_

**L** _: yeah yall blind as bats to each other_

_Wheres it gunna_ _get_ _me anyway_ _I_ _mean_ _he_ _ain't_ _gonna_ _ever love me like that_

**G** _: okay I'm done_

**G** _:_ _I'm_ _not_ _doing it_

**_sexydavidtennant has left the chat_ **

_Tf_

**_ya.average.joe has added sexydavidtennant to the groupchat!_ **

**G** _:_ _I'm_ _not sitting here_ _watching_ _you mope over him when he_ _clearly_ _loves you_ _back_

_But he_ _said_ _he won't allow himself to love so_ _I_ _mean-_

**G** _: you dumb bitch_

**G** _: he is scared._

**G** _ : and he has every right to be! _

**G** _ : you can't ask more of him than he is willing to give and for anybody else he wouldn't give too much but for  _ _ you _ _ he would give his life _

**R** _ : don't fuck this up Joe. _

**L** _ : no  _ _ I _ _ wanna see him fuck this up itll be  _ _ funny _

**L** _ : jk _

**L** _ : well not really _

**L** _ : lol jk _

_ WHAT TF DO YOU MEAN _

  
**L** _: go get ur man and make a fool of yourself_ _doing_ _it so_ _I_ _can laugh at you_

**R** _: Give him your best Joseph Francis Mazzello III!_

^^^^^

**ben._jones**

_You may think_ _you're_ _a_ _cheeseburger_ _but you're a big mac to me_

_Hmm_ _?_

_Maybe not the best analogy_

_You're_ _the type of_ _person_ _who_ _shoots_ _for the stars but_ _you_ _have nothing left to go for because you're already on the moon._

_That's fucking motivational shit right there._

_Only the best for my husband_

_I love you y'know_

_More than anything_

_I love you too._

_So much._

_So much?_

_So much_

In that moment, stuffed in the comfort of his oversized hoodie, Joe found himself in a bout of pent up rage, hurt and sadness, throwing his phone to the other end of his bed and watching it fall to the floor without a hint of anxiety as to if it would crack. The hood draping over his eyes, he was able to mask the tears that were brisking down his cheeks as well as his hair falling over his eyes, pressed into his knees as he curled up into a ball.

No matter how many times he could explicitly say it, what he means will never be interpreted that was by the other and every time he says it, it breaks his heart just that little bit further.

He's a simple boy is Joe, wanting the simple things and only being able to understand simple ideas.

He wants someone to hold him close, to ramble on about their theory on the meaning of life whilst they stroke his hair, taking it out of the way of his eyes and unfurling his legs from his torso, releasing him of tension, telling him that things will be alright, no matter what. To tie his laces, buckle his belt, button his shirt up and make sure he looks presentable. Let him know that, at the end of the day, they'll be that person to come home to or message or hang out with to make things better. Simple things, such simple things for a simple boy who's worried, scared, terrified of being left in the dark constantly. Let him see the light. Take all blockages away and leave a clear outline, an empty path for him to follow. Look at him like he is the prettiest angel they've ever seen.

Well, maybe there's one complicated agenda that he can only pray for. Someone who will tell him the truth. Someone who knows when there is something wrong and cares for him as he would them. Kindness coming natural to them in a world where that lies with the few, not the many. This indescribable being who's smile can light up a whole room and who's existence makes it feel as though the world around him isn't crumbling with every wasted breath he breathes.

Oh? Their smile, he can imagine it, clearly. The corners reaching to those emerald eyes and oh, he can picture those too! And the more he thinks about it the more it comes to him that this ideal person, that no one can imagine but him, who can't be described but can be seen. And who is real.

Because if perfect had a definition, it would be that person. That person that doesn't believe in love and doesn't want to, yet if one word could describe love, in Joe's eyes, it would be Ben. Ben, and all his glory.

It's strange, don't you think, how someone can be without love for so long they don't even know they're in it and then be completely gone in a matter of minutes? Well, if love can turn to hate that quickly then any change or realization can be.

Leaning forward, tumbling off of his bed and beside his phone which thankfully was not cracked, he opened his messages but not before crying a bit more over Brian May's new instagram post a sighing "holy shit that's so fucking cute" because his foxes are adorable.

**FUCKING HELP ME**

_The risk_ _I_ _took was calculated but boy am_ _I_ _bad at maths_

**L** _: FUCKING SPILL_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sick rn (I have a cold I'm overdramatic) and an out reak on my face and I thanked my head a week ago and now its bruised and I'm not doing so well but I've got a new drawing book and its gonna be a lil Queen project of listening to every queen song, which I've already done many times, and drawing what it makes me feel. Maybe one day I can give it to Brian or Roger. Who knows. I mean I've only just finished the first page and drawing for Queen 1 sequence and I've come to the conclusion that I cannot draw so this is gonna be fun, right?
> 
> Also Ashley Tisdale, I'd like to personally thank you for this Joe spam you gave us. Idk if you two are doing a different movie to Jurrassic World or if you're playing Mrs Murphy to his Tim but you made me cry with those updates. Go off sis 👌👏🙌
> 
> ~ me


	7. and when i leave this island

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm uploading twice today because the next two are half filler chapters and half relevant so if you out them together voila maths

He knew there was something wrong from the moment he woke up, the main aspect being that sleep paralysis is a real thing and him "waking up" didn't mean his body co-operated. Left struggling, Joe tried to maintain his composure but startled himself out of near paralysis, jumping up and off his bed, collapsing onto the wall beside him with the cool air radiating out of his TV keeping him awake. A cold sweat ran over him, continuously reminding the boy of his state and how it is not calm, but when is it ever? His mind is so hectic, so chaotic that there's no difference between normal and panic attack apart from the physical symptoms.

Late, everyone asleep and too careless to help if they were, he needed to talk to someone but that constant nagging in him told bit again, screeching "no one wants to help you. Nobody cares." Because no one was there to say otherwise (if they were, his mind still wouldn't accept it. Yes, he is _that_ stubborn.)

Well, at this time of early morning, maybe one sleep deprived soul would be awake, if he is lucky and Ben decides to wake up early today.

** ben._jones **

_ Hey B _

_ Tect me when you get this _

_ Love you!!@! _

Hands still shaking violently, the ginger boy went downstairs as quietly as one could when all the demons in the house were watching to get a glass of water, sitting on the counter near the sink and looking directly into the camera his father had installed a month ago, exact to the one in the living room from 3 months ago he uses to spy on the kids and make sure they don't get up to mischief. It's rather stalker like, or maybe protective... or Joe Junior is just a cool dad who likes to be tech savvy to prove a point. What that point is no one knows, but when he orders new neon lights to put behind the telly when it turns on, nobody complains.

Hopping off the counter, Joe put his glass of water down to look in the refrigerator for food, simple as, mouthing a "hey hey hey hey hey!" before humming the beginning rift of Hammer To Fall. Unfortunately there was nothing quick aqnd easy he could have to eat, apart from the chocolate, but he can't have chocolate, or can he? There's nothing but his bowels stopping him to be fair... no, if he's woken up like he has today then he can't make things any worse. Not today, when this performance he and Rami had been working on for months now is having its first, last and only performance.

It's a one off. They do the performance, they get a grade. No chance of redoing it. It's not possible to emphasise how "one-shot" this is and there is no turning back from it. They all rely on each other, thread into this performance like colour to a tapestry. Nothing can go wrong today.

Before he went back upstairs and hopefully to sleep (but not before checking his phone) he splashed his face with icy water, resting his head on his palm to ground himself. Not getting a flying feeling of ecstasy, but a problem of panic from the feeling of falling.

When he reached his bedroom he made the quickest route to where he had left his phone to check if he had gotten that message back he craved. Sure enough, he had, and now he was worrying over how he should have brought his phone with him downstairs because of the panic he's caused Ben.

** ben._jones **

**_ 5 unread messages _ **

_ Heya, I'm awake!! You okay? _

_ Joseph? _

_ You alright Joey? _

_ Or have you gone back to sleep? _

_ Please text me back  _ _ I'm _ _ worried now! _

_ - _

_ Hey B, im awake! _

_ Ah alright, what happened are you okay? _

_ I  _ _ just _ _ woke _ _ up from a bad dream and didn't know anyone  _ _ who _ _ be awake that could help apart from you _

_ Oh no! Go get some water if you haven't already, and make sure to take deep breaths when you can to steady yourself.  _ _ You're _ _ safe now and it was only a dream! _

_ I know,  _ _ it's just _ _ kinda panicked me now n  _ _ I _ _ have _ _ a bad feeling  _ _ about _ _ today _

_ Your performance is today! You love acting Joseph and when you get to it you will do amazing  _ _ I _ _ know it.  _ _ You're _ _ a talented actor and you'll smash it! _

_ I can't help but feel like something is going to go  _ _ wrong _

_ I tell you what: _

_ Drink some water, go to sleep,  _ _ you'll _ _ wake up feeling nice and refreshed  _ _ I _ _ know it! _

_ Okay B, but you go to sleep too  _ _ it's late _ _ n you need sleep you have training tomo _

_ Okay,  _ _ I _ _ will, but only if you do _

_ Okay  _ _ I'll _ _ go slep now _

_ Alright, good  _ _ night _ _ Joseph. Sleep well and love you! ❤❤❤ _

_ Love you too b. Take care lovely ❤❤❤❤❤ _

  
It took him a long while longer before he actually drifted off, the persistent, tantalising thought of failure continuously playing on his mind along with glittering stars in his vision, and what seemed to be the beginning of a headache.

 _Let_ _it_ _pass,_ he told himself, rolling onto his left hand side. _You'll be fine._

^^^^^

By the time he was in first period he knew something serious was up. In front of him was his work yet swirls of illuminating blurs shrouded what he could view and made the simplest task of seeing became difficult. Rubbing his eyes vigorously didn't work either, leaving him smacking his head on the table to try and make things right.

Reflecting on it straight after, it really didn't help his situation.

The headache seemed to develooe soon after that, and he contemplated blinking his second period to rest and get better, but as his attendance to class was shit already, he couldn't fuck this up, and with the performance today he could not get sent home. Not only would he be disappointed in himself but Rami would be mad at him and you don't know the power Rami holds when he's mad at you until you've seen it...

So he went to second period after messaging Ben with a (hopefully) convincing _I'm_ _fine!_ whilst barely being able to see and the nausea making his stomach clench, feet stumble and nerves heighten. Fuck, even the teacher because concerned with him and sent him to welfare, and well, fairly that's where things went utterly wrong.

He fainted as soon as he got into the room, the blinding lights being too much for his heat-oppressed brain to handle, knees buckling after being unsteady on them for the past 10 minutes and before he knew it, he was played down sloppily on a bed of some sorts, the lights above him off yet swirls resembling a kaleidoscope blanketed his eyeline still. "Hello Joe, can you stay calm for us whilst we try to phone your parents please?" A soothing voice spoke from... somewhere around him; he found it easier and mess painful to keep his eyes shut rather than have an organic LSD trip constantly with them open.

Groggy, he hadn't realised the tears gushing down his face until he tried to speak. That's when a reality check washed over him and he took in the situation; hear hurts more so than ever before, vertigo, nausea, crying, hurt leg, people caring. Hmm, not normal. "D- did I tri- trip or fall o- over or somethi- some- something? I b- black- blacked out and woke up he-" he paused, catching his breath and attempting to gather his thoughts. "woke up he- here. What hap- hap- what happened?"

"You passed out Joe, fainted, and you collapsed on your leg so we put you on the bed so it can stay elevated. Are you allowed medications or are you allergic to anything?' Answering their questions when they had some and accepting his unfortunate state, Joe tried to get it through that he was fine, because he will be with a bit more rest! He can't go home, not today.

"Joe, you can barely keep your eyes open, how do you expect to do a performance where theres heavy lighting and spotlights?"

"I'm fine! I'll be oka- I'll survive!"

"Okay then," his mentor at school who stood infront of him removed the piece of paper he held over his eyes to protect it from light being able to seep from outside the room, watching as the small ginger flinched. "If you can barely handle a lamps light from another room, you won't be able to handle a stage. Usually I'd be finding ways to keep you at school but you're clearly not well enough Joe!"

If he had any effort or fight in him then he would have debated his way through this, but everything from the colour in his skin to the will in his soul had been drained since he woke up this morning. _Damn it,_ he thought. _I_ _knew_ _something was_ _wrong_ _._

By the time lunch period had rolled around, Joe's parents couldn't be contacted because they were at work but the poor sod couldn't stand up without discomfort, pain and seeing stars, so what better solution to have than have Ramj sat next to him to keep him company and make sure he doesn't cause any more injury to himself.

 _Odd_ , is what he thought when he first noticed Rami was there. He couldn't remember hearing him come in, so perhaps he had been asleep, but... he would know if he had been asleep, right? A drunken-esque gaze to the shorter on his left confirmed he was in fact there, eerily studying his features in the looming blackness of the room. "Of all days Joseph-"

"Don't Jospeh me!"

"Of ALL DAYS-"

Throwing his hand in the general direction of Rami's face, Joe attempted to shut him up. "SSSSSH my fucking head is killing me!" Strange, he felt a hand hold onto his tightly, comforting almost.

"Okay," Rami began with a whisper and carried it throughout. "I know you're genuinely feeling bad, because I know how migraines are and they're shit, but I mean of all days, this happens today?" The piece of paper fell slightly off of Joe's head when he turned it, which he corrected, and by the time he had fully faced Rami he could sense the overall concern painting him, but he couldn't stop the doomsday voice in him sirening "he is disappointed and hella mad at you."

Joe sighed, letting the crackling air escape him. "I'm sorry, okay? But I'm not going home so you don't have to worry about me."

Smirking, the smaller of the two managed to hold his grip tighter on the tallers hand yet distance himself the tiniest inch. "Who said I was worrying about you in the first place?"

"Asshole."

"Bastard." Rami stayed until teaching assistants and the house mentor kicked him out to go to his lesson, but he made sure to reassure Joe before leaving. "Do your best. No one can ask for better than your best, and don't push yourself. Your anxiety isn't worth aggravating."

It's true. You can't push yourself too much; everyone has limits and for Joe, well this might be just it.

^^^^^

** ben._jones **

_ I  _ _ mean _ _ , my goal in life is to be a complete and utter weirdo, yknow? Get to the  _ _ point _ _ of having nothing to lose? Because  _ _ I _ _ really don't have anything to lose. _

_ And he had the cheek _

_ The fucking cheek _

_ To call me afterwards, when  _ _ I'm _ _ trying not to make this migraine worse by crying, and say "hey, well we got through it cos we cut your  _ _ character _ _ out and we got told we would get a high grade so all turned out well." _

_ All turned out well?! _

_ Fuck me sideways  _ _ I _ _ didn't know  _ _ almost _ _ dying in bed is "well" _

_ This was the only chance  _ _ I _ _ had to perform this because Rami is on fucking holiday tommorow and he ain't coming back in time to redo it _

_ I'm gonna fuck allllllll this up smh _

_ It's not your fault you had a headache Joseph, you litterally can't help it; it's just  _ _ unfortunate _ _. You say  _ _ you're _ _ going  _ _ to _ _ fuck it up then you will  _ _ because _ _ you don't have faith in  _ _ yourself _ _. Believe you can do great things because you and  _ _ I _ _ both know you can. You're a superb actor and this is your anecdote for the future to prove it! _

_ As for Rami, he should be supporting you, not emotionally straining you more. Calling you like that was a dick move. _

_ I shoulda just pushes through jt tho like he acc gets migraines quite a lot and he does push through it n  _ _ I _ _ cant _

_ How weak  _ _ I _ _ am _

_ Some  _ _ people _ _ can and some people cant, don't beat yourself up about that. Saying  _ _ that _ _ , it don't give him the right to  _ _ treat _ _ you lesser. No one is perfect and you  _ _ couldn't _ _ push through it but  _ _ that's _ _ alright,  _ _ you're _ _ going to rock the performance you end up doing! _

_ It just hurts that Rami, one of the few people  _ _ I _ _ call my best friend cant even offer a word of advice to me when  _ _ I _ _ need it like okay  _ _ I _ _ let you down,  _ _ I'm _ _ a dick, but you got through it like  _ _ teacher _ _ says ur gonna get a high grade so why are you still complaining?  _ _ I'm _ _ in a shit situation. The least you can do is tell me I'm good enough. _

_ Everyone in that group is a great actor and yknow what? _

_ What? _

_ So am  _ _ I _ _! _

_ I'm _ _ fucking superb! _

_ Fan fucking  _ _ tastic _ _! _

_ But that  _ _ comes _ _ with time and rehearsing and nailing a character down. _

_ Ben  _ _ I _ _ have 2 days to create a performance if what Rami said was right. I need to have a performance to get a grade and the deadline for everyone's performance is in 2 days.  _ _ Stageing _ _ , lighting, script development, character work and  _ _ months _ _ of it give a great  _ _ performance _ _. 2 days can give you nothing. I have 2 days to design a whole performance  _ _ which _ _ will determine my future  _ _ because _ _ if  _ _ I _ _ dont get this grade then I don't pass  _ _ and _ _ if  _ _ I _ _ dont pass then  _ _ I _ _ dont get into college et voilà, no future _

_ So yes  _ _ I'm _ _ sorry _ _ I _ _ delayed your  _ _ performance _ _ and shit and yes  _ _ I'm _ _ a  _ _ failure _ _ tell me something  _ _ I _ _don't fucking know but dont come to me after saying WOW WE GOT THROUGH IT ARENT WE AMAZING because_ _ I _ _ know  _ _ you're _ _ amazing  _ _ I _ _ didnt even want to leave  _ _ I _ _ was forced out and now  _ _ I'm _ _ not so fucking fantastic and if  _ _ I _ _ need one person  _ _ physically _ _ by me for support  _ _ it's you _ _ Rami _ _ but  _ _ you're _ _ going on holiday soon so fuck well  _ _ that's _ _ great isnt jt!! _

_ Yeah  _ _ I'm _ _ sorry _ _ you _ _ got on with it cos if anyone should be crying  _ _ it's me _ _ and oh shit !!!! I already am !!! _

_ Not rami and not the rest of the group but me and call it selfish or whatever  _ _ because _ _ my anxiety has no  _ _ patience _ _ to deal with this all and b my depression has no will to do anything so great no will and no patience what a great fucking mixture to have. _

_ All  _ _ I _ _ want to do is act and make my miserable life happy and  _ _ I _ _ cant even do that but please go ahead and cry about it. Whilst you tell me on the  _ _ phone _ _ through those quotation mark tears quotation mark you can bet  _ _ I _ _ showed how fucking  _ _ oscar _ _ worthy of an actor  _ _ I _ _ am by putting the performance of a lifetime on to sound just the littlest bit alright. Just to seem okay. And if anyone could see  _ _ through _ _ that its him and all those times he  _ _ questioned _ _ it he didnt  _ _ question _ _ it this time and  _ _ I _ _ think out of all  _ _ those _ _ times  _ _ I _ _ needed it most now. _

_ I'm _ _ sorry but he fucking sucks for making you feel worse than already. It's  _ _ horrible _ _ and _ _ he should know better than that. He's supposed to  _ _ support _ _ you through all  _ _ things _ _ like a best friend should so for him to be pissed off about something no one can control is utter bollocks. Go put on the fucking performance of a lifetime Joseph  _ _ and prove _ _ them all  _ _ wrong _ _!! Make them regret being disappointed and if you cant find anyone to do it for then do it for me. Make me proud because you are amazing and deserve the  _ _ world _ _ Joseph. _

_ I'll _ _ try cos  _ _ that's _ _ all  _ _ I _ _ can do at this point anyway _

_ Yes and you will! _

_ Quite litterally have no other choice _

_ Nope. _

_ This is worse case scenario _

_ You will give a fucking  _ _ superb _ _ performance and make them  _ _ applaud _ _ so much  _ _ I'll _ _ hear it from across the Atlantic. _

_ So there. _

_ No one will clap for shit _

_ Well guess what? _

_ They will. _

_ I hope that like _

_ The teacher can just be like _

_ Y'know _

_ Ok with me _

_ Like she can be pissed at me cos even  _ _ I'm _ _ pissed at me but  _ _ I _ _ hope  _ _ she'll _ _ understand _

_ How can she be pissed at you for something out of your control?  _ _ That's _ _ ridiculous _ _!! _

_ There is no mercy. No consideration. No  _ _ leniency _ _. They'll collar someone out for something out of their control and not give a single shit. _

_ That doesn't make it right or okay. _

_ Smh imma fail _

_ Great. _

_Fuck you no_.

_You're_ _gonna do great_!

_Stop lying_.

_ I really don't think  _ _ I _ _ can do as well as  _ _ I _ _ can _

_ Don't say that  _ _ you'll _ _ be fucking brilliant! _

_ I'll _ _ pass but  _ _ I _ _ was predicted A* for this performance. The top mark you can get. I cant settle for a pass even if  _ _ that's _ _ all i can get. 2 days will get me that tho so like idk just gotta deal with it _

_ You want an A*? Go fucking get a A* _

_ You can do it and  _ _ I _ _ fucking know you will _

_ I know  _ _ I _ _ can but  _ _ it's not _ _ happening _

_ Keep saying it and it won't. _

_ Well  _ _ it's the _ _ truth _ _ so  _ _ liiiike _

_ I  _ _ believe _ _ you can do it. You know  _ _ it's possible _ _. So fucking do it! _

_ Prove  _ _ everyone _ _ wrong _ _!! _

_ I believe you can do it. _

_ I just dont even have anyone  _ _ physically _ _ here to support it. Ramis not here and wouldnt support me much in  _ _ this _ _ case a n y w a y and my group hate me  _ _ I _ _ mean  _ _ I _ _ found iut because someone in my class text me  _ _ saying _ _ "yeah  _ _ they're _ _ pretty pissed :/"  _ _ I _ _ mean what kinda 7th circle of hell do  _ _ I _ _ gotta be in for that _

_ Fuck Rami if he cant be there _

_ Fuck em all _

_ No hes litterally in Egypt  _ _ I _ _ cant do shit _

_ Joseph you will be fine. _

_ I know you will. I  _ _ believe _ _ in you. _

_ But you need to believe in yourself. _

_ Go put on a performance that will leave them quaking (is that the word?) _

_ I'll _ _ hope for it _

_ Dont need "hope." _

_ I know. _

_ Thanks for believing in me because  _ _ I _ _ sure don't _

_ What kind of husband would  _ _ I _ _ be if  _ _ I _ _ didn't _

_ You're _ _ the best husband ever no doubt  _ _ about _ _ it _

_ And you are the best husband to me ever in  _ _ existence _ _ too! _

_ Love you _

_ Love you too _

_ Domt know what  _ _ I'd _ _ do without you :-( _

_ You wouldnt have a husband and that is very :'( _

_ True very :-'( _

_ For real though  _ _ Joseph _ _ ,  _ _ I'll _ _ always  _ _ believe _ _ in you and  _ _ I'll _ _ always _ _ have faith in you and defend  _ _ you _ _. Through everything.  _ _ I'll _ _ always be there. I know  _ _ you'll _ _ do great! _

_ You will do great things.  _ _ You'll _ _ be amazing and help so many people like you  _ _ help _ _ me.  _ _ You're _ _ perfect _

_ I'll _ _ try my  _ _ best _ _ , but  _ _ you're _ _ always top priority for me. _

_ I know but  _ _ you're _ _ such a kind  _ _ person _ _ you just have to be you _

_ You'll be amazing as always _

_ No doubt about it _

_ I know it _

_ And dont  _ _ fight _ _ it _

_ I won't. _

_ Whatd  _ _ I _ _ say _

_ Dont fight it _

_ No _

_ I _ _ wont fight it dumbass _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love you all!!!


	8. i'll book myself into a soul asylum

**1 month later**

**ben._jones**

_ Hello Joseph! _

_ Hey B! _

_ Gwil texted me and told me to _

_ "get your bitchass motherfucking husband ON" _

_ He said that? _

_ He said that. _

_ Now am  _ _ I _ _ missing something because this is very out of the blue. Have you done anything  _ _ stupid _ _? _

_... _

_ I'm _ _ always doing something stupid _

_ If  _ _ I _ _ have hes going to need to be  _ _ specific _ _ because  _ _ I've _ _ done many many  _ _ stupid _ _ stuff _

_ And no idk if  _ _ I _ _ have done anything _

_ Well the lad wants to talk to you. _

_ Good luck! _

_ I'll _ _ keep you posted _

_^^^^^_

** sexydavidtennant **

_ You called _

_ Sup homosexual _

_ Not much ace _

_ Touche _

_ Why was  _ _ I _ _ summoned _

_ Why not _

_ Fucking gen z _

_ Bitch  _ _ you're _ _ gen z too tf _

_ Why has Ben been moping about to me about yall not talking _

_ What _

_ Talk to the motherfucker _

_ I... do... _

_ He's my best  _ _ friend _ _ I _ _ talk to him everyday _

_ Well think about jt some more cos the poor sod is getting  _ _ upset _ _ about it and if my benny boy cries because of you _

_ Boy  _ _ you're _ _ dead fucking meat _

_ I'd _ _ never want him to cry _

_ I stg  _ _ I _ _ put that boy before my own life _

_ But that doesnt take much u  _ _ depressed _ _ fuck _

_ Sorry  _ _ that's _ _ too much _

_ Nah it's true _

_ But  _ _ I _ _ never want to make ben  _ _ unhappy _ _ I _ _ swear  _ _ I _ _ guess  _ _ I've _ _ just been stressed and rlly  _ _ busy _ _ lately _

_ Make the fucking time _

_ You've _ _ been warned _

_ Right _

_ Okay _

_ Good talk _

_ I'll _ _ do better  _ _ I _ _ promise _

_ I'm _ _ eating food now dont distract me  _ _ I'll _ _ be back in 5 _

_ Acc no go talk to ben  _ _ not _ _ me tf _

_ Disaster _ _ child _

_ Problematic whore _

  
He really hadn't meant to make Ben feel like that, that's never his inention; quite the opposite actually. For once he has a group of friends that aren't going anywhere, half of them physically with him and half of them and ocean away and one of them, well, he's madly in love with. They all help him, and make him feel welcomed, all accept him and yet theres just something about Ben that makes them husbands.

But there are nights he is happy, for whatever reason it may be. Happy go lucky, laughing at his own stupidity, a dad joke that popped into his head, talking to his friends or his internet husband, he'd think everything has a reason as he inhales, tries to, attempting to get his breath back from cackling with giggles. _Everything happens for a reason_ he'll say,

There will be nights where he cries, throat clenched and head pounding from crying so hard over what? Roger Taylor? Sometimes, but more often than not it's the overriding fear of dying, and living, and to be honest he would just rather not _be_ if that makes sense. Perhaps it's dying, but he's terrified of death, so if someone could just put him under anaesthetic forever, that would be fine by him! He's not one to deny what he wants when it's offered to him; he's grateful for everything he could ever have.

When he's shaking to the point his shoulder tense and ache, putting his head deep into the comfort of his pillow to drown the strangled noises and prayers for peace... when he can't find the will to breathe, well, life isn't the best things could be.

Oh, and there are nights where he doesn't feel at all.

Where he just lays there. Staring. Perhaps thinking, maybe praying, definitely not reacting to the thoughts in his mind. The world knows what happens when he reacts to those thoughts, and his father was right in his own mind for scolding him for it. Who wants a scarred son?

Whatever a night may hold in stock for him, there is never a night Ben doesn't cross his mind and make things a little bit better.

It's cool how people can just pop into your life all of a sudden and become so important to you within such a small amount of time. At the beginning of the year he had Rami and Lucy, real life friends who are probably sick and tired of his bullshit, and now he has a husband he would die for and a chaotic friend in Gwil, along with the other two. That's what makes life so interesting though! There's always a reason to be hopeful for the future because you never know what good thing will come your way next. Well, unless you have anxiety and depression. That way good things will never seem to last.

He should've known it was coming; the demise of all his friendships. Who would want to stay friends with him anyway? He wouldn't, no, too much effort. Even in those happy days...

He knows everything happens for a reason, but what the fuck?

That's the scary thing about being friends with someone, or falling in love, there's always the opportunity for it to crumble, to fall out of it. No signed contract, no promises that can't be broken, no guarantees that person will stick around and that alone could scare a person to death. All fears are warranted. One day they can wake up and be over your weirdness, craziness, idiosyncrasies, the way you pronounce certain words and say "I love you." They'll realize you're selfish and deserve so much more, and that's the most nightmarish thought someone could have, except it's not a nightmare. It's very much real.

That's often the difference between what's allowed to be panicked about and what's not. Is it real? Is it going to harm you? Is it going to scar you?

Love? It can do that, and so much more.

Of course, that's is if it's reciprocated.

** ben._jones **

_ You'd always tell me if something is  _ _ wrong _ _ , right? _

_ Ofc _

_ Has something happened? _

_ Has gwil said something? _

_ I swear  _ _ I'll _ _ kill him. _

_ No he just- _

_ I just want you to understand that  _ _ I _ _ do love you more than anything, and I'd never want you to feel bad or upset  _ _ because _ _ of me. That's the exact opposite of what  _ _ I _ _ want _ _. _

_ I know. _

_ I love you too! _

_ And I'd do anything for you! _

_ Then tell me the truth _

_ Does it seem like  _ _ I've _ _ been ignoring  _ _ you _ _ or something _

_ Or have  _ _ I _ _ made you upset recently? _

_ Joe idk how you want me to respond. _

_ With the truth.  _

_ I'm not going to be mad  _ _ I _ _ swear _ _! _

_ Okay,  _ _ yes _ _ , but Gwil shouldn't have said anything  _ _ I _ _ swear it's fine Joe  _ _ I _ _ understand  _ _ you're _ _ busy and  _ _ I'm _ _ busy _ _ and there's just not been time,  _ _ I _ _ get that, it just sucks that we don't talk as much is all. _

_ I'm _ _ so sorry _

_ Honestly _ _ I _ _ didn't mean for it to stop us from  _ _ talking _ _ it's just _ _ been hectic recently _

_ Joseph  _ _ I _ _ know. _

_ And it's not like  _ _ I _ _ did it on purpose  _ _ I _ _ mean  _ _ I'd _ _ never want to do that at all _

_ Things have just been chaotic and  _ _ I _ _ never meant to talk to you less  _ _ I _ _ mean  _ _ I _ _ didnt even realise it to be brutally honest _

_ And  _ _ I'm _ _ not  _ _ giving _ _ reasons _ _ cos  _ _ I _ _ don't want to give excuses cos nothing can excuse it because yeah you mean more to me than  _ _ I _ _ can even say _

_ And  _ _ I'm _ _ so so sorry _

_ So sorry _

_ Weve both been  _ _ busy _ _ Joseph,  _ _ alright _ _? I've had training for my big match,  _ _ you've _ _ got your new production. That's no one's fault, and if anyone is then it's both of us. Conversations are two way streets, we both  _ _ should've _ _ made more of an effort! _

_ I just miss our silly little conversations is all, like when  _ _ I _ _ said Britain is like 70s roger taylor! _

_ "Small but mighty" _

_ It doesn't work like that yknow _

_ You cant  _ _ compare _ _ places to people _

_ Yes I can, and I did. I'm the brit here,  _ _ I _ _ say what goes! Watch- _

_ I'm _ _ watching _

_ Okay  _ _ I _ _ cant think of any on the spot, but  _ _ I _ _ can! _

_ You're _ _ ridiculous _

_ Rich coming from you. _

_ What's _ _ that supposed to mean?! _

_ You're _ _ the most weird, ridiculous, funny, " _ _ I _ _ dont give a shit" person  _ _ I've _ _ ever known and  _ _ that's _ _ why  _ _ I _ _ love you. Despite everything,  _ _ you're _ _ the strongest, most charming, most authentic  _ _ person _ _ you can be and  _ _ you're _ _ so much  _ _ more _ _.  _ _ You're _ _ indescribable because one word just doesn't do it. _

_ Well _

_ I'm _ _ crying now _

_ But  _ _ I _ _ was already so  _ _ I _ _ mean- _

_ I'm _ _ gonna kill gwil when  _ _ I _ _ talk to him next. _

_ I'm _ _ litterally going to kill him. _

_ Please dont _

_ If you did then we wouldnt know and things  _ _ would _ _ only _ _ get worse _

_ I have many  _ _ other _ _ reasons too though. _

_ Go ahead then be my guest _

_ And  _ _ what's _ _ this  _ _ thing _ _ with  _ _ your _ _ rugby  _ _ I _ _ thought you already did your big match? _

_ This is even bigger!! _

_ We made it to the finals, and we have a lot of leeway with time and  _ _ preparations _ _ for the finals which weve already begun for. And, it's  _ _ up _ _ in _ _ brum where gwil lives, so  _ _ I'm _ _ going to go see him and then kill him. _

_ That's _ _ so cool! _

_ It really is!  _ _ I'm _ _ nervous for it but then again  _ _ I'm _ _ constantly nervous so this is just whoops another thing on the pile. It'll be fine though.  _ _ I'll _ _ have my dad and my  _ _ brother _ _ and  _ _ gwil _ _ there and  _ _ it's going _ _ to be great! _

_ I wish  _ _ I _ _ could _ _ go :-( _

_ Me to :( _

_ Imma ask my mum if  _ _ I _ _ can go _

_ Watch me _

_ Imma do it _

_ Tommorow _

_ I believe you. _

_ Honestly though like to have you there would be amazing  _ _ I _ _ cant even- _

_ Just to see you- _

_ Hug you- _

_ Have you  _ _ actually _ _ here- _

_ I cant wait for the day we  _ _ actually _ _ meet  _ _ you _ _ know I think  _ _ I'd _ _ die. _

_ Think? _

_ I would cease to be _

_ Expired and gone to heaven _

_ Bereft of life _

_ Rest in peace. _

_ If  _ _ I _ _ met you  _ _ I _ _ would die in  _ _ peace _ _ fuck everything else man tf _

_ Well now  _ _ I'm _ _ crying. _

_ We're always crying _

_ Cry buddies! _

_ *husbands _

_ Cry husbands!!! _

^^^^^

Waking up, he followed suit in his regularly programmed "good morning my lovely husband, wake up well, I love you!" Routine before heading down for breakfast, where he carried out the promise he made the previous night. "Mom, can we go see Ben?"

"Ben as in your internet friend in England?"

"You know that's exactly the one I was talking about! He has a rugby match, like, a really important one and I wanna go to it. Can we go to it?" He quizically yet explicitly asked, getting a weird look from John who had stopped trying to kick him just then.

"You want me," she turned around with a raised eyebrow directed at her eldest son. "To book a whole ass flight to another continent to meet up with a friend you met online and who you've known less than a year to watch a soccer match he's playing?"

"Rugby, actually, but yes that is what I am asking." Joe accented off with a smile, a charming one but one pleasing for the answer he so desperately wants. Call it wishful thinking, that's exactly what it is, but a boy can dream and hope and ot have to worry about being called out!! He lost his dignity long ago; nothing is out of bounds any longer.

That might bring into question his anxiety though. _If one is anxious about anything and everything then how does one not care_? Personality and emotions are confusing; Joe does enjoy being alone more than the next person, quite a lot actually, but he's still very outgoing and social. It's the environment that dictates how he behaves. Sometimes he's loud, sometimes he's quiet. _Read the energy and adjust_ is what he goes by, amongst other thing. There are moments he can go crazy, release his eccentric, obnoxious self and others where he wants to lay down in his bed and register his thoughts, alone.

When he's comfortable, or too tired to fully understand a situation, he'll let a rip on all sanity and go ahead. Go on! No ones going to stop it!

Ducking down as if talking to a toddler (though not far off at all), his mother gave something of an apologetic smile, "you have to understand the logistics Joe. It's just not... plausible. Is that the word? It just isn't possible is what in saying. A spontaneous trip to watch a match and meet up with someone you only know from the internet? I mean, c'mon, who says you've even deserved a trip?" She played off, playfully smacking the back of his head before going back to making breakfast.

"What do I need to do?"

"Excuse me?"

"I'll start actually going to school! I'll fix my grades up, I'll give a stellar performance in the play, do my chores, hell I'll even do John's chores-"

"I fink dat's a gweat ideer!" John mumbled with his face stuffed with cheerios.

"See, John thinks it's a good idea-"

"GWEAT IDEER!!" he took a gulp. "Fuckin' superb!"

"Hey!" Ginnie, the mother, swatted John with a wooden spoon. "Watch your mouth boy!"

"Sowwy."

"But again, my point is I'll do whatever it takes, litterally anything, give up my birthday and Christmas this year to go see him mom. 2 rounds of presents!! That's a lot in a kids book!"

"Are you a kid anymore? You're a teen, almost sixteen dammit!"

"I'd say he's a..." wavering his spoon around in though, John hounded in on Joe. "Asshole."

"Language!"

"Anything ma, anything!! I'll even babysit this fuckin bitch-"

"Behaviour! Watch it!"

"So I gotta be on good behaviour?"

"I'm just saying-"

"Because you're considering it?"

"Are you going to force me to consider it?"

"If it's the last thing I do."

^^^^^

**sexydavidtennant**

_I need your help_

_Who says_ _I_ _want to give it_

_I'll_ _give you roger_ _Taylor_ _pictures_

_Bribing me won't work_

_I probably have all the_ _pictures_ _anyway_ _I_ _have a lot in ma selection_

_I'll_ _give you a rare one_

_What makes it rare_

_Ever seen roger with a six pack?_

_What_

_When and where is Ben's rugby match_

_Six pack?_

_Roger had a six_ _pack_ _?_

_Send._

_Tell me what_ _I_ _want and_ _I_ _give you what you want_

_Idek if_ _I_ _can trust you tf_

_How am_ _I_ _supposed to believe a scrawny ass boi from the 70s/80s has a six pack_

_First of all hes not scrawny he had a chubby stomach and toned upper arms from drumming_

_If you want scrawny look at_ _Brian_

_Anyway_

_Tell me where_ _Ben's_ _is having his rugby match and when_

_Whyd you wanna know_

_Why should_ _I_ _give you roger pics?_

_Touche_

_2_ _months_ _from now_

_Moseley Rugby clubs ground_

_B13 0PT_

_give_ _me roger with a_ _six pack_

_Au revoir bastard_

_It was good doing deals with you_

_Woah woah fucking woah_

_Give me my roger_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to shout out Monty Python's Parrot Sketch and my own free will that is slacking  
> Also my notes for this chapter litterally said : "oprah saying you get a breakdown you get a breakdown you get a breakdown everybody gets a breakdown" which us why this chapter is so shitty
> 
> Love ya'll ❤❤❤❤❤


	9. 'cos i can feel the warning signs, running around my mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "i'll save you."

He was bound to crack, crash and burn at some point. With a 70 odd per cent attendance at school the previous year teachers were surprised when he turned up every day for the first week, which turned into two weeks, which then became a month of not missing a day of school and he was not doing well at all; cracking, crashing and burning, all at once, in a lesson, having a panic attack, trying to hide it.

The memories things can bring back like that are incredible. It takes him back to the first one he ever had, then the first one at school and every single one since. How anxiety takes over his life and makes him scared of death, and oh, how depression makes him want to die. Bitches, the pair of them, and he needs a way out before he genuinely backhand Rami for no particular reason other than release of the adrenaline building up, because if you didn't know, that's what a panic attack is; a build up of adrenaline with no place to go, making your heart race and mind shut down and you have no control over anything. Red alert in your body, everywhere, closing each organ down for the weekend so you're in manual control when you did your test in an automatic.

In other terms, it really fucking sucks, and he is damn suffocating in this school.

By the time he had space between his next class, which was math (or maths for the brits) he had to collect some things from his locker, where he must have been rambling because Rami banged his head on his locker ever so lightly, in turn, causing Joe to yell "you think that's a bang? This is a bang!"

_Thwack_

_..._

_Thwack_

"You fucking idiot!"

_^^^^^_

**Ben's** **PoV**

**Dysfunctional Family gc**

_Has anyone heard from Joe today?_

_@ **r.m.i002** @ **12.5.04** Did he come into school today?_

_He hasn't responded since his first lesson *or the time which it happened* when we were talking about the Beatles and I am lowkey worried for him_

_L:_ _I_ _saw him in welfare with Rami_

_Whys he in welfare?_

_L: not sure. I was sent out_ _by_ _the fucking nurse but_ _Rami_ _could stay but you cant use_ _phones_ _in there so he cant respond_ _I_ _dont think_

_G: sup fuckers what'd_ _I_ _miss_

_L:_ _Joe's_ _in medical room because of what_ _I_ _can only presume is dumb shit_

_Joe's_ _sick :-(_

_L: potentially_

_L: potentially has done dumb shit_

_G:_ _I_ _vote_ _for the dumb shit._

_G: sounds like joe the fucker_

_Watch it sunshine._

_G: ooh_ _I'm_ _so scared_

_L: sorry to_ _interrupt_ _you feuding siblings but_ _Rami_ _just walked back int class_

_Ask_ _him what happened to joe._

_G: did joe do dumb shit_

_L: joe did dumb shit_

_Oh ffs_

_What_ _did he do?_

_L:_ _I'd_ _much rather wait for him to say it than me_

_L:_ _I_ _wanna see if hes actually concussed or nah_

_CONCUSSED?!?!?_

_R: Don't worry he's been concussed before!_

_That doesnt help at all._

_R: I know,_ _I_ _just think it's funny!_

_L: rami you walked into a door and concussed yourself_

_L: you have no room to talk_

_G: shade_

_Ooooooooooh_

_*mic drop*_

_G: *picks the mic back up and puts the stand away*_

_G: sorry everyone have a nice day_

_R: haha!_

_L: okay fuck you but gtg will update when can_

^^^^^

**30 minutes later**

**ya.average.joe**

_Please text me when you_ _can_ _. If Lucy and Rami didn't lie which they may well have then_ _I'm_ _even more worried for you and_ _I_ _just hope_ _you're_ _well. Please_ _text_ _x_

_______

_Hey bwnny!!_

_Bwnmy_

_Brn_

_B!_

_Oh god you really are concussed aren't you._

_Yes_

_Whiplash and concussion_ _I'm_ _using voice to text now so it's coming out really weird_ _I_ _can't type because my eyes hurt so yes_ _I'm_ _text to typing no wait fuck text to no no shit type to text wait no it was text to type no it's not hold on_

_Voice to text is what it is_

_What did you do?_

_Why is it what did_ _I_ _do and not what happened_ _I_ _mean what if it was an accident_

_"What if"_

_So it wasn't_

_Shit you're right it wasn't_ _I_ _was doing_ _dumb_ _shit don't swear like that sorry dad fuck sorry shit fuck_ _I'm_ _sorry okay my head hurts sorry_ _I_ _don't do voice to_ _text_ _often for this reason it captures everything or nothing at all is this the ben boy_ _you're_ _talking about yes dad_ _it's the_ _ben boy but you can call him ben tell him_ _I_ _said hi_

_Ben my dad says hi_

_Do_ _you_ _know what_ _I'm_ _just going to send voice messages now instead of this fucking language sorry dad instead of this voice to text_

Voice message:  _so basically_ _I_ _have this thing where if something happens on one side of my body it has to happen on the_ _other side_ _or_ _I_ _get really agitated and_ _I_ _was being dumb and inconsiderate of my own wellbeing_ _and_ _talking gibberish so Rami fake banged his head against a_ _locker_ _as if to say "what the f- hell are you going on_ _about_ _" and_ _I_ _said "you think that's a bang? This is a bang!" And_ _I_ _whacked my_ _head_ _against the locker and_ _I_ _didn't mean to put that much force into it but_ _I_ _did_ _and then it was off centre so_ _I_ _did it again and_ _I_ _could feel the force go through my head from the back of my skull to the tip of my nose_

Voice message:  _and then_ _Rami_ _called me an f-ing idiot and i tried to go to my_ _next_ _lesson_ _but i couldn't see right and everything was hurting and_ _apparently_ _I looked dead but Rami can be an_ _over dramatic_ _b-_ _person_ _sometimes but then the nurse said_ _it_ _too and Rami got to stay with me in welfare whilst they rung my dad to pick me up and then we went to the hospital and_ _I_ _have whiplash and a concussion so_ _I_ _get the week off of school and ice cream when_ _I_ _get home_

_N s not evrb evwn even funnt cos wjen i da piked_ _I_ _up he had filk fill tis this from fmor form in whithat that Sked Sked asked fr_ _I_ _allergees n my da sd "wht u llergoc allergic 2 except sch" n_ _I_ _wantd 2 die n he also fogot_ _I_ _brthdat_

_Hd 2 type cos hed b :-(_ _I_ _tld u_

_It's okay I'm_ _fluent_ _in Joe._

_I understood everything._

_Rly?_

_Not even funny because your dad had to_ _fill_ _in a form that asked for allergies and he asked is there anything_ _you're_ _allergic too apart from school and_ _you_ _wanted to die (which you shouldn't_ _I_ _love you dont do that) and he also forgot your birthday (which is bad because it's in the earth wind and fire song and you could never forget that)_

Voice message:  _my_ _eyes_ _hurt and_ _I_ _can't really read the big_ _paragraphs_ _but_ _I_ _presume_ _you_ _got it right got what right nothing dad no_ _I_ _want to know it's nothing_ _I_ _swear_ _I_ _just text him something you tried texting your mother that you were fine and you_ _misspelled_ _it as gone and_ _I_ _had to tell her you were not in fact gone anywhere apart from gone to the hospital so tell me what you wrote_

_I love that for you (the story nothing else_ _it's terrible_ _that_ _you're_ _eyes are fucked and your head hurts)._

_I'll_ _try to break up my paragraphs so you can read them._

_Hello?_

_Did you go again?_

Voice message:  _as_ _I_ _was saying yeah_ _I_ _can't read the big things but- aww dad look he's typing in small sentences bless him Joe_ _I_ _can't look_ _I'm_ _driving do you have a death wish today or_ _something_ _no_ _I_ _have a death wish_ _everyday_ _god this generation and its depression you wonder how you even sleep we don't we are all insomniacs_

Voice message:  _ okay  _ _ I _ _ didn't go but  _ _ I _ _ have to sleep now  _ _ I'm _ _ at home  _ _ because _ _ I _ _ cant take painkillers because  _ _ I _ _ haven't eaten today so just have to sleep it off but I'll be  _ _ okay _ _ you'll _ _ be the first person I message when  _ _ I _ _ get up as always love you ben dont  _ _ worry _ _ about me _

_^^^^^_

**Dysfunctional Family GC**

_ J:  _ _ I _ _ banged  _ _ I _ _ hed twiove _

_ J: teixe _

_ J: twive _

_ J: 2time _

_ J:  _ _ I _ _ slep now _

_ He has to sleep it off. _

_ He got a concussion and whiplash _

_ G: and whiplash? _

_ G: fucking hell _

_ G: joe mate if you wanna be an actor  _ _ I _ _ got the  _ _ perfect _ _ franchise  _ _ for _ _ you _

_ G: jackass _

_ SSH _ _ he's sleeping. _

_ R: He is I can see through his window. _

_ L: ram you sound like a stalker _

_ L: we went to go check on him but his  _ _ lights _ _ out meaning he's asleep _

_ L:  _ _ I _ _ swear we're not creeps _

_ G: not so much you but  _ _ I _ _ mean Rami _

_ G: something about the way he types _

_ R: What's  _ _ wrong _ _ with the way  _ _ I _ _ type? _

_ It's too _ _ proper. _

_ R: So is yours Benjamin! _

_ G: trust me his  _ _ typing _ _ is on a spectrum _

_ L: you do type like a toff Ram _

_ R: Can I ask what that is and if  _ _ I _ _ should take offence? _

_ Posho _

_ G: do you know made in chelsea? _

_ G: or just like _

_ G: idk not royals but just posh people with posh accents _

_ They're _ _ all Oh My Goodness my father bought me a new car for my birthday when  _ _ I _ _ specifically asked for a helicopter! _

_ L: youd  _ _ never _ _ call royals or people with titles toffs because they earn wealth and title (yknow what  _ _ I _ _ mean they dont  _ _ deserve _ _ it but somewhere  _ _ it's been _ _ earned by a fuckwit) but toffs are _ _ just _ _ like _

_ L: theres this lass called Georgia Toffolo from  _ _ made _ _ in chelsea and everyone calls her toff but  _ _ they're _ _ all toffs on there but shes actually an alright one _

_ L: anyway you  _ _ type _ _ like they talk _

_ R: I still don't quite get it. _

_ Oh ffs _

_ G: Lucy can you do the accent for him _

_ R: I understand now! _

_ R:  _ _ I _ _ should take offence but  _ _ I _ _ have zero standards or regard for anything and nothing fazes me anymore! Xx _

_ Oml did you teach him xs Lucy _

_ L: I TOLD HIM IT IN IRONY _

_ R: aha xx _

_ G: this feels so weird _

_ G:  _ _ I _ _ want joe back so Rami isn't the weirdest _

_ L: do you see  _ _ what _ _ I _ _ have to put up with everyday _

_ L: chaos. _

_ L: pure fucking chaos _

_^^^^^_

**ya.average.joe**

_Hey B!_

_I've_ _awoken_

_With a headache but_ _I'll_ _be okay!_

_Aww_ _that's_ _a shame ☹_

_But I'm glad_ _you're_ _feeling at least a bit better!!_

_You really worries me earlier and_ _I'm_ _still lowkey worried._

_Actually very highkey worried._

_I'll_ _be fine_ _I_ _promise!!!_

_^^^^^_

**Dysfunctional Family GC**

_ J:  _ _ I'm _ _ back from my slumber _

_ J:  _ _ I _ _ domt remember much n my eyes still hurt but  _ _ I'll _ _ be ameight _

_ J: alright _

_ J:  _ _ Rami n _ _ Lucy ur _ _ both _ _ fuckjncreeps _

_ L: glad to have  _ _ helped,  _ _ fuckwit _

_ G: hows ur head  _ _ Joe _

_ J: hurts _

_ Its bound to you concussed yourself. _

_ J:  _ _ I _ _ dont  _ _ really _ _ remember it tbh  _ _ I _ _ think  _ _ that's _ _ a bad thing but  _ _ I'm _ _ lazy and cant be  _ _ bothered _ _ to say anything _

_ R: What do you remember? _

_ R: xx _

_ J: getting on the bus this morning _

_ J: my dad being an ass _

_ J: journey back home _

_ J:  _ _ I _ _ only know  _ _ I _ _ wacked my head cos  _ _ Rami _ _ told me _

_ Do you remember talking to me in your first lesson  _ _ about _ _ the Beatles _

_ J: beatles? _

_ J: no _

_ G: joe tell me that  _ _ question _ _ was about the convo and not because you dont know who the beatles are _

_ J: low key _

_ J: both. _

_ L:  _ _ wait _ _ what _

_ J:  _ _ I _ _ know what a  _ _ Beatle _ _ is and  _ _ I've _ _ heard the beatles before but nothing is ringing _

_ J:  _ _ it's like _ _ feeling the need to sneeze and not sneezing _

_ Do you know who paul mccartney is? _

_ J: no _

_ J: but i presume he is a  _ _ Beatle _

_ J: lemme google _

_ R: I'm  _ _ concerned _ _ x _

_ G: u n me both _

_ J: OHH HIM _

_ J: MACCA _

_ J: idk how  _ _ I _ _ could forget that _

_ Do you know who queen are _

_ J: yes  _ _ I _ _ was  _ _ listening _ _ to _ _ qheen in the car _

_ J: *queen _

_ J: it was like ooohoooooohweeooweoweoooweeeoooo _

_ R: Joe do you have a name for that song or do you just know the oohs x _

_ Bet it was you take my breath away. _

_ J: yeah it was _

_ J: the name escaped me for a bit _

_ G: joe you  _ _ should _ _ tell someone  _ _ about _ _ your  _ _ memory _

_ J: meh  _ _ I'll _ _ do it later _

_ J: if  _ _ I _ _ dont forget _

_^^^^^_

**Joe's PoV**

It was a long time before he got back to normal, whatever normal was. Tension was constant in his shoulder and his arms ached at every given moment. His memory went in and out but mainly stayed out as he forgot names, references, people; it was scary but he knew there was no one but himself to blame. He knew his mental health had been declining steadily in recent times due to the stress of being in school all the time but it had gotten to the point where he's been put on "scheduled leave and arival".

Too fragile to come back yet but he isn't dropping out. Fractured, his mind was just not at a good enough state to be in lessons, which did wonders for his social life; seeing less and less of Rami and Lucy and it became unbearable to even leave his room at times. The thought of leaving the house terrifying him, going to school impossible. It's all good disliking school but being afraid of school is something he wouldn't admit about himself despite it's understatement.

He doesn't, however, need a social life to talk to Ben, who's sworn Joe is currently on british time zones by the way he's up when Ben is and asleep then too, just so he can talk with the boy. Call it sweet, call it sappy, he isn't going to stop talking to someone he loves because of his mental health. He might not see people very much hut he talks to them online just as normal.

Normal. Normality, if you could call it that, had been disrupted. The great chain of being corrupted. Plans he had for the future, plans to stay in school to go and physically meet Ben, vanished. Merely the thought crushing him further and further down, spiralling, screaming how life can never go his way, never just for once, never for one fucking second can the universe just be kind to him and when someone said they would listen to him... when Ben said he would listen to him with no judgement he let a rip and spoke only the truth. What he has been bottling up for ages now; what he needs to find some rest and ease.

** ben._jones **

_ It's just exhausting. People should have to put effort into breathing and blinking and yet  _ _ I'm _ _ the one  _ _ who _ _ has to  _ _ remember _ _ to let the breath  _ _ I'm _ _ holding go, to shut my eyes because  _ _ they're _ _ stinging or tell myself my family is alive and not fuckung dead like  _ _ I _ _ always _ _ manage to  _ _ convince _ _ myself _ _.  _ _ I've _ _ never told anyone this but my brain litterally imagines then dying, everyone  _ _ I _ _ love, and  _ _ I _ _ have to pick between them. Why can't  _ _ I _ _ just choose myself? It takes energy to get rid of those thoughts and  _ _ I'm _ _ too tired to do it anymore!! _

_ I want help! I  _ _ want _ _ someone to ask the right questions and help me but no one fucking cares about me. No one gives a shit till  _ _ you're _ _ dead.  _ _ They'll _ _ say how they were your friend and shit and how they wish they coulda helped when you were alive but when you are alive  _ _ they're _ _ the ones causing all this pain. It's sickening. _

_ You, Rami, Luce, Gwil and this boy called Allen who hoes to my drama classes are all the friends  _ _ I _ _ have and  _ _ it's more _ _ than enough but  _ _ I _ _ cant help but think that  _ _ I'm _ _ going to lose you and  _ _ I _ _ dont know what  _ _ I _ _ would do if  _ _ I _ _ lost any of you lot. Die, probably. _

_ It's just not fucking fair at all, that when  _ _ I _ _ cut my wrists my dad yells at me and asks what my family will think of me. HES  _ _ ashamed _ _ of me. Punishes me!  _ _ It's not _ _ fair that school sends me back  _ _ into _ _ lessons when  _ _ I'm _ _ telling then  _ _ I _ _ cant do it. You wouldn't send someone  _ _ who's _ _ having a  _ _ heart _ _ attack back into the day but  _ _ when _ _ a person wants to die they just gotta put up with it? No fuck you. Fuck you. Fuckfuckfuckfyckfuckfuck youuuuuuuuuu. I just wanna cut my arm off so when  _ _ I _ _ go hospital  _ _ they _ _ can see all the scars and maybe do something about it. _

_ It's gruesome and gory and  _ _ I'm _ _ sorry but my brain is horrendous and nothing can keep it calm. There are these monsters in there eating me alive. Theres no functioning part called sanity. I doubt  _ _ there _ _ anything  _ _ there _ _ at all!! It's not normal and  _ _ I _ _ get  _ _ people _ _ saying theres no such thing as normal but there are standards out there  _ _ I _ _ wanna reach that  _ _ I _ _ cant because  _ _ I'm _ _ too fucking depressed to function.  _ _ It's not _ _ okay but people dont care. They think they have the right  _ _ to _ _ say  _ _ I _ _ am. That  _ _ I'm _ _ not _ _ alone. _

_ I'd _ _ like to see you cope 1 day trapped in my brain and see how you survive, or maybe  _ _ you'll _ _ have the sense to die. _

_ Okay, maybe im not  _ _ alone _ _ then, but please  _ _ stop _ _ making me feel  _ _ like I _ _ am! _

_ I just _

_ Everything is so blank. My vision, my hearing, my soul. I know what  _ _ I _ _ am. I know morally and  _ _ emotionally _ _ I'm _ _ way more  _ _ mature _ _ than someone my age is but why should  _ _ I _ _ be? Wheres my  _ _ childhood _ _ gone _ _? Why should  _ _ I _ _ be  _ _ lecturing _ _ the  _ _ people _ _ who are  _ _ supposed _ _ to be  _ _ teaching _ _ me on ethics? Why do  _ _ I _ _ know exactly what  _ _ I _ _ want to do and why do people think they have the right to tell me no to  _ _ that _

_ Why do  _ _ I _ _ even carry on _

_ What's _ _ the actual  _ _ point _

_ I try and try and try and what of it _

_ I know what  _ _ I'm _ _ going through and  _ _ I _ _ know  _ _ where _ _ it's taking _ _ me but no one does anything. My dad  _ _ tells _ _ at me n calls me stupid and my mom says she knows what  _ _ I'm _ _ going through when she doesnt know half of it and  _ _ the thing _ _ is  _ _ I _ _ would tell her in a heartbeat if she asked but she doesnt.  _ _ No _ _ one _ _ asks. School just wants me to pass  _ _ my _ _ exams and  _ _ I _ _ domt want to breathe  _ _ so _ _ I _ _ should just carry on with how things are going because  _ _ it's so _ _ so suffocating _

_ I'm _ _ drowning _ _ ben _

_ I'm _ _ drowning _ _ and _ _ I'm _ _ too _ _ tired to float. _

_ I'll _ _ save you. _

_ You may be tired and drowning but  _ _ I'll _ _ save you, or die trying. _

_ No you can't die _

_ Then  _ _ I _ _ guess  _ _ I'm _ _ saving you. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> True story guys, gals and non specific pals! All of what Joe did, I did, for whatever fucking reason my mind seemed fit that day. It was very scary but er, I got through it?! My shoulder is still buggered up unfortunately and my right eye has always been shit but now they both are. So, yknow, whoops?!?!
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this!! Thanks for reading!!
> 
> ❤❤❤❤❤


	10. so here i go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joe's a crackhead and Ben wishes he was there to witness it

**sexydavidtennant**

_Omg if you do a face_

_:-/_

_And do this_

_:-/K_

_It looks like a confused man with legs_

_What are you on_

_Sleep deprivation_

_^^^^^_

** ben._jones **

_ Look at me n mah lil legs _

_ :-/K _

_ You aren't little though. _

_ And where did this come from? _

_ I call them mini oui's :-DK _

_ Idk why  _ _ I _ _ just _ _ kinda think of em like  _ _ Wii _ _ mii characters but smol so  _ _ they're _ _ mini oui's _

_ And  _ _ I _ _ thought you always adding a nose in your faces was weird. _

_ Nope. _

_ This is weirder. _

_ Hey Deaky  _ _ did _ _ it in 2005 he was like _

_ :-((((((( _

_ It's actually _ _lowkey depressing he was saying thanks to the birthday messages and then was fucking like "_ _ I'm _ _ still alive at 54...:-)))))))). My dad died at 41...:-(((((" _

_ So in homage  _ _ I _ _ use noses too _

_ Used _

_ Because now a put le lil legs on mah faces like this lil mini oui :-)K _

_ Me n le lil legs _

_ You're not short like. I mean,  _ _ you're _ _ shorter than me but  _ _ you're _ _ not short. _

_ :-(K _

_ You _ _ made ma mini oui sad boi hours _

_ Why are you big sad? _

_ You _ _ call me short :-oK _

_ I litterally said, "you're not short like." _

_ Listen _

_ I know _

_ You and gwil are giant. _

_ I get it _

_ Yall got long legs like this _

_ :-/== _

_ Domt shove it in mah face _

_ No Gwil is the lanky one. _

_ I'm _ _ just like. _

_ :-)+< _

_ A bit bigger than a mini oui. _

_ But to be honest I just had a growth spurt early on in life. I won't get taller than I am now. Gwil on the other hand will end life in the fucking clouds. _

_ U know  _ _ Rami _ _ is like and even smaller mini oui _

_ He tiny oui _

_ :-|k _

_ Thats rami _

_ What's _ _ with the face? _

_ He's always like that dont worry _

_ Anyways; _

_ Why aren't you sleeping? _

_ Creating mah mini oui's _

_ That's not an excuse. _

_ 🤷♀️ _

_ 1\.  _ _ Pfff _ _ don't 🤷♀️ me _

_ 2\. Why do you have the  _ _ girl _ _ version. _

_ 🤷♀️ _

_ I deserve more than this _

_ 🤠 _

_ Are you sending me weird texts and emojis because  _ _ you _ _ can't type properly? _

_ Yknow when Kevin in the office said "why say lot word when few word do trick?" _

_ Touche _

_ Do you know what  _ _ I _ _ don't understand? _

_ There's probably a few things out there. _

_ That is true _

_ And  _ _ I _ _ should be offended _

_ But it's truth allows it _

_ I don't under stand people who say age is just a number _

_ Like, yknow what else is a number? _

_ 911 _

_ Dial it _

_ And get locked up _

_ You need to sleep. _

_ There's no  _ _ point _ _ it's pretty much morning now _

_ That's _ _ the point; its morning and you haven't slept. That can reek havoc on you mental health and physical health. _

_ If you think my mental and  _ _ physical _ _ health isn't already in absolute havoc then lemme tell you something _

_ You blind af _

_ If  _ _ I _ _ think something, and  _ _ that _ _ something is wrong, then my vision is wrong? _

_ Yes _

_ Wait _

_ No _

_ Yea _

_ I'm _ _ tired _

_ I'm not surprised!! _

_ But  _ _ I _ _ wanna  _ _ talk _ _ to you :-(K _

_ Don't be big sad. _

_ I'm _ _ always big sad _

_ Except when  _ _ I'm _ _ talking with you _

_ :-)K _

_ That's _ _ what  _ _ I _ _ like to see! And hear! _ _ I'm _ _ glad talking to me makes you  _ _ happy _ _ because it makes me  _ _ happy _ _ too. _

_Please tell me_ _you're_ _asleep now._

_You're asleep?_

_Good._

_Night night!! Wake_ _up_ _well!! I love you and hope you have a fabulous day tommorow ❤❤❤_

_No wait my mom came in to check on me_ _I_ _was faking it_

_Ben_

_Ben_

_Ben_

_I'm_ _not answering you_ _until_ _you've slept._

_Oh fuck then_

_Fine._

_I'll_ _sleep out_ _of_ _spite_

_That's_ _all_ _I_ _want._

_Goodnight!! Sleep well!!_

_Yeah yeah sweet dreams and shit_

_Have a beautiful day you_ _beautiful_ _soul_

_I love you B ❤❤❤❤❤_

Okay, so he lied. What else was he going to do? Upset Ben? Pfff, no way. He'd die the day he upsets Ben. Sometimes lying, however sinful it may be, is just the right thing to do! He's awake and he can't sleep, so what is the point of sleeping? As long as he remembers to not log into any social media as to not alert Ben he's online... this may be tougher than originally planned. Damnit.

With the sun rising though, there's no point, more so than before. What's 2 hours of sleep going to get him? More exhausted when he has to wake up, that's what. But he can't let his thoughts get to him. That's never ended well. Already, they eat him up at every dying moment and it's hard to find moments of peace, and to some people sleep would be that peace but not to him, unfortunately. Sleep is genuinely something traumatic, like his school anxiety. They've become so detached from his general anxiety as their own separate thing that trying to help is general one wouldn't help either of those ones. Curse his damn brain for being so complicated, and curse the education system for being cruel. Hell, curse the need for sleep. Fucking leaving yourself unprotected so space demons can come and get you in the middle of the night.

Nuh uh. Mm. Nope. No way. People say you _need_ sleep, but really, well yes you do need sleep but he's fine. He's okay. Perhaps saying it enough to others and himself will make it true...

Again, he hates lying to Ben, but he doesn't want to worry the boy, annoy him, bore him with all his idiosyncrasies and niches. If he can't stand himself, why should he allow others to?

Enough of the depressing shit.

^^^^^

**Ben's PoV**

"Who were you speaking to?" Mike bugged him from behind in the car, Ben bagging the front seat by being older and Mike being a nosy asshole. "Are you speaking to Joseph? Speaking to your boyfriend?"

"Mike if you don't shut up," he turned in his seat to face the boy. "I will smack you, in your face, and kick you in the balls."

"Benjamin!" His father half laughed, half scolded. The eldest had to admit, he did love his sons feuding. It gives for great light entertainment. "Don't threaten your brother, I can't be arsed to deal with your fighting when I'm halfway up the M1." The eldest Jones brother looked up at his dad, back at his brother before slamming his fist on his brothers kneee and turning around to face the road ahead so Mike couldn't reach him. "Ben! Why would you- crikey o'riley do you two ever not fight?"

"Dad, no. We don't. No we don't." Ben smirked ahead of him, pulling his phone out to take a picture of the cars and how delayed he's going to be for his training before the actual match which is tommorow. You see, where the final of this whole tournament is chosen is by picking a random club's hometown and going there, so even if his team beat the brummie's today, in Birmingham, they'll still play the final there. Unfortunately, as soon as he can leave after the match tommorow, he has to, so there's no chance of meeting Gwil this time, but during the final, he has to be there for a week before, so he gets to see Gwil!

^^^^^

**Couple hours later**

** Dysfunctional Family GC **

** G ** :  _ I _ _ don't hate you Rami _

** J ** :  _ thats a shane _

** J ** :  _ shane _

** R ** :  _ Two types of people... _

** J ** :  _ shanme _

** J ** :  _ shand _

**J** _ : dhane _

** J ** _ : give me a moment _

**J** _ :  _ _ shane _

**J** _ : shane _

**G** _ : who is shane _

**J** _ : shame _

_ Shame _

**J** _ : got there in the end _

_ It's not a shame actually Joseph _

**J** _ : tis _

**R** _ : twas. _

**R** _ : Twit twoo. _

_ Tisn't _ _. _

**J** _ : tistoo _

**R** _ : Twister. _

**J** _ : twist and shout _

**R** _ : Twilight Sparkle. _

**J** _ : twat _

_ No fighting! _

**G** _ : no  _ _ fighting _

_ No fighting _

**G** _ : NO _

**G** _ : FUCKING _

**G** _ : FIGHTING _

**L** _ :  _ _ I _ _ want the fighting. _

_ You get to witness their fighting in real life though. _

**L** _ : fighting? _

**L** _ : pfft _

**L** _ : snarky  _ _ remarks _ _ maybe, but  _ _ I'm _ _ yet to see them actually fight _

**R** _ : Joe smacked me  _ _ in _ _ the face on our way to math once. _

**J** _ : YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO TELL THEM _

_ why would you smack rami _

**J** _ : why not _

** R: ** _ I say once; he has done it multiple times. _

**J** _ : wait ben when did you  _ _ send _ _ a picture to the gc _

_ Fucking yonks ago. _

**G** _ : ages ago _

**G** _ : I'm translating for him. I  _ _ didn't _ _ know he sent one either _

**J** _ : WAITWHAT _

_ what. _

**R** _ : What? _

**L** _ : HNNGG _

**G** _ : be patient he's trying to get his words out _

**J** _ : lemme meme this  _ _ I _ _ cant even- _

**J** _ : fuck I cant do the meme but basically "okay was anyone gonna tell me brits drive on the other side of the road or was I supposed to see the traffic in Bee's picture myself _

_ How long have we known each other now? _

** J ** _ :  _ _ Listen _

** J ** _ :  _ _ I'm slow to things _

**R** _ : One time we were in math and he didn't have a pen so someone chucked him a pen and he had his hand up to catch it but his hand didn't close in time and he batted it across the classroom. _

**R** _ : Also in that lesson when we were leaving he went to keep the door open but his fist didn't open so he punched the metal bit of the door. _

** R ** _ : I'm not  _ _ sure _ _ if it's because of Joe's lack of common sense or if he has severe nerve damage. Knowing Joe, he has both. _

**J** _ : RAMIIIIII _

**J** _ : YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO LET THEM KNOW I'M THIS FUCKING DUMB IRL _

**J** _ : yknow what hes probably gone now _

**G** _ : joe you are pure of heart but dumb of ass _

**J** _: listen_ _I'm_ _always right when I'm not wrong_

**G** _: which is never_

**L** _: yo mazz if ya have any more of them fotos_ _I_ _can take em off your hand_

_What the fuck are you on about_

**L** _: its joe... dont question it_

**J** _:_ _I'll_ _send them over whatsapp cos_ _I_ _dont wanna disable the gc again_

**G** _: pls dont_

_How many photos was it?_

_570?_

**J** _: 570 baby 😎_

**G** _: why did you send 570 photos like no_ _one_ _asked_ _for that much_

**J** _: B asked for_ _some_ _pics_

**J** _:_ _I_ _sent him some pics_

_"Some"_

**J** _:_ _I_ _just made a physcadelic playlist_

_Nice_

**G** _: ya what_

**J** _: it's okay_ _I'm_ _tripping anyways_

_WHAT_

^^^^^

** ya.average.joe **

_ B this playlist is trippy _

_ Wdym trippy _

_ Trippy as in _

_ I'm _ _ having another existential crisis _

_ Aah _ _ I _ _ see _

_ Making _ _ me cry damnit _

_ Joseph stop crying _

_ Why _

_ I don't like seeing you sad. _

_ What if they're happy tears? _

_ Well that's alright. _

_ But not sad tears. Never sad tears. _

_ Well  _ _ that's _ _ a shame _

_ Because they're sad tears _

_ Damnit Joseph _

_ :-)K _

_ It's okay  _ _ I'll _ _ stop soon  _ _ I _ _ just gotta wait till this  _ _ song _ _ is over _

_ What song is it _

_ Toxic _

_ By Britney Spears? _

_ No by Brian May _

_ Yes by Britney Spears _

_ Why are you- _

_ IM JOKINGRBWJAUWH3B _

_ You're an asshat. _

_ Is it bad  _ _ I _ _ read that as "as shat" _

_ But  _ _ I _ _ love  _ _ you _ _. _

_ Aww _

_ That's _ _ cute. _

_ You're _ _ like a damn rollar coaster. _

_ oh _

_ Life is like a rollar coaster _

_ You get really nervous going up  _ _ because _ _ there's _ _ only one way down and that's going to be scary. _

_ And  _ _ you're _ _ going to scream. _

_ And probably cry too. _

_ People forget that rollarcoasters come to an end, despite the ups and  _ _ downs and _ _ screams _ _ and cries they level out, and they end, and when that happens you may still be screaming or crying but it's stopped now, and you can get out of your seat, and go get a hot dog _

_ Damn imagine if we lived near each other _

_ We'd be fuckin everyene up. _

_ Sorry that  _ _ was _ _ off topic I've just been thinking. _

_ No  _ _ you're _ _ right we'd run  _ _ the _ _ place _

_ We would hangout everyday even on weekends and if you're sick or not at school cos  _ _ I'd _ _ still come over _

_ I'd _ _ leave a toothbrush at your house and you have a toothbrush at mine because we're round so often _

_ And we would do homework  _ _ together _

_ Pfft _ _ like  _ _ I _ _ ever do homework _

_ And we can just go to each others houses when we need each other  _ _ rather _ _ than try fit in a  _ _ slot _ _ when we can video call _

_ Or  _ _ I _ _ just rock up at your house _

_ Throw a brick through your window _

_ Climb a tree _

_ "I need your help wake  _ _ the _ _ fuck up." _

_ "Answer your phone damnit or open this window  _ _ I _ _ just had a thought and imma forget it if you don't open up" _

_ I'd _ _ always answer tho _

_ Dont  _ _ threaten _ _ me. _

_ This is like 4am you'd be asleep _

_ So should you _

_ But it doesnt matter _

_ Call me at 4am and  _ _ I'd _ _ wake the fuck up and answer _

_ Okay but what if  _ _ I _ _ just wanna throw a brick through your window _

_ You'd do it anyways _

_ I wouldn't doubt that. _

_ That's _ _ true _ _ I _ _ would _

_ "So  _ _ I _ _ know  _ _ I _ _ just broke your window but  _ _ I _ _ have this script and character idea and  _ _ I _ _ need to  _ _ tell _ _ you before  _ _ I _ _ forget  _ _ it's really _ _ good  _ _ I _ _ swear" _

_ "Listen  _ _ I'm _ _ only popping in-" _

_ " _ _ You're _ _ not even in my house yet  _ _ you're _ _ hanging off of my window" _

_ "Doesnt matter listen to this theory" _

_ "It's 4am what the fu-" _

_ " _ _ I'm _ _ okay  _ _ I _ _ can  _ _ parkour _ _ I'll _ _ be fine" _

_ "OKAY WELL IT'S 4AM AND WE'RE GOING TO SLEEP" _

_ "Right well  _ _ I'm _ _ not stuck-" _

_ " _ _ You're _ _ hanging upside down from a tree" _

_ "Yeah, not stuck just in an awkward situation" _

_ "What if the branch-" _

_ "BENJAMIN DON'T SAY THAT IM UPSIDE DOWN HERE!" _

_ "You got yourself  _ _ into _ _ this _ _ mess" _

_ "Again, not a mess, an awkward place" _

_ "Do you want help?" _

_ "Yknow what  _ _ I _ _ don't want you fucking help anymore" _

_ "I  _ _ know _ _ you don't want my help but do you need it?" _

_ "YES but  _ _ that's _ _ not the point!" _

_ " _ _ You're _ _ so stubborn that  _ _ you're _ _ hanging _ _ upside down from a tree" _

_ "Just an awkward place B" _

_ "Yeah but-" _

_ "For fucks sake! I come throw a rock through your window,  _ _ I'm _ _ HANGING off a branch and this  _ _ is _ _ the abuse  _ _ I _ _ get?" _

_ "I thought you said you didnt  _ _ want _ _ help?" _

_ "My brain is hurting,  _ _ I _ _ cant feel my feet and  _ _ I'm _ _ pretty sure my eyes are going to  _ _ pop _ _ out any minute Benjamin  _ _ I'm _ _ going to die" _

_ " _ _ You're _ _ not going to d-" _

_ " _ _ I'm _ _ pining" _

_ "What does that even mean?" _

_ "Passed on" _

_ "Why are you saying this" _

_ " _ _ I'll _ _ be no more. Ceased to be." _

_ " _ _ I'm _ _ coming to get you." _

_ "Expired!" _

_ "Give me a minute and  _ _ I'll _ _ be  _ _ there _ _." _

_ "Bereft of life  _ _ I _ _ rest in-" _

_ "And will you stop quoting the parot sketch?" _

_ "I told you  _ _ I _ _ was gonna die" _

_ " _ _ You're _ _ not going to die" _

_ "Hey  _ _ I _ _ can see again!" _

_ "Yes now  _ _ we _ _ can go through the front door  _ _ rather _ _ than a  _ _ first _ _ floor window" _

_ "I like to live life dangerously" _

  
_"You like to live life without fucking_ _consequence_ _that's_ _what"_

_"Yknow_ _what_ _I'm_ _not denying that, because it's true"_

_*_ _smacks_ _face into door*_

_"Okay maybe your vision isn't totally back yet. Get up"_

_"Ben d'y'know what_ _I_ _cant stand?"_

_"What?"_

_"I can't stand. Help."_

_"Okay_ _you're_ _up now, are you good?"_

_"What_ _happened_ _to your door?"_

_"Your face"_

_"OH YEAH so_ _I_ _have this theory and this idea right-"_

_"No we are going to sleep."_

  
_"Ben you_ _left_ _me here_ _I_ _cant see where are you Ben? Benjamin Benjamin_ _I_ _cant see help help!"_

_"You know_ _you're_ _way through my house stop being lazy"_

_"Benjamin I don't care help me"_

_"Wasnt it like 10_ _minutes_ _ago you were refusing my help?"_

  
_"Eh tomato tomahto potato potahto."_

_"HOW THE FUCK IS THIS A POTATO POTAHTO SITUATION"_

_"THATS NOT THE POINT"_

_"THEN WHAT IS YOUR POINT"_

_"You have to stop moving around_ _I'm_ _losing track of where you are."_

_"_ _You're_ _a nightmare."_

_"I'd say more_ _of_ _a sleep paralysis demon"_

_"See what_ _I_ _mean?"_

_"No Ben,_ _I_ _can't see."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://youtu.be/vnciwwsvNcc  
> Stream Monty Python and cackle
> 
> Again, thanks for reading!! As always comments and kudos are always appreciated!!! Thank you so so much again, love you all!!!


	11. still scratching around in the same old hole

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joe is crumbling, Ben is worried, Geil wants to help, Rami is doing his best and Lucy just wants a hedgehog.

**Author's PoV**

His life in unfortunate above everything. He has a roof over his head he can't help but think will collapse. A family he loves he thinks about dying. A bright future ahead of him he isn't even sure he wants. The ability to know when someone is having a bad day, but others can't see it with him.

As obvious as he could try to make it, no one notices and he doesn't blame them. Who'd want to deal with his issues anyway? If he doesn't then why should he be sticking them on others? For once though, even just this one time, he wish he could be explicit with what he means: _I'm not okay,_ _I'm_ _not feeling okay;_ _I_ _feel empty and_ _I_ _need help_. Three little sentences is all. Just three. A beginning, and explanation and a conclusion all in fourteen words and he hasn't got the gut to say it. No will, no strength, nothing compelling him because what can they say in responce? _Sorry dude,_ _that's_ _sad; I hope you feel better soon_? What's that going to do? _Thanks buddy, that really helped!! Thank you so much! You just cured my_ _depression_!

Fuck everything. Y'know what? Just fuck it.

That exam? Fuck it. No one gives a shit about your grades.

So you got an A+ in earth science, great! Show you can get an A++ in being a decent human being and you're hired.

People stress so much about knowing what the quadratic formula is or being forced to know Hamlet's monologue word-for-word but honestly if you have the common sense to navigate and divide a crowd of the stuck up, no good doers from the gems then you're smart. If you can be at the lowest low of your life and still treat people with kindness then you're smart.

Being intelligent isn't about proving A²+B²=C², it's about knowing right from wrong and being able to handle the wrong.

Show that you are a great human being and you will make it far.

And don't bullshit anyone with your "I'm a dumbass lmao rip" or "my depression says no" because my depression is telling you this with all the might it can muster. Do what you love. Make a career. Be the most you that you can be, and when you've made it in the field you want to be in, share this message to everyone you love and dislike;

I did this myself. I conquered everything thrown in my path and I made it to where I am now. That doesn't mean I'm cured from anything I've been plagued with before, no, that's never going away. I did it in the face of every doubter, including myself, along the way. I did this, and if I can make it out on top the kind human being i was to begin with, then you can make it and be a great human too.

Don't put yourself down. You don't deserve that. You deserve the world as long as you can recognise that so does everyone else. The people who don't recognise that are the ones burning it down. They're creating a future we will live and and we will have to pick up the pieces from so don't say we're screwed, say that we're the generation that saved the earth. We did that, and our youngers will grow up in a society learning from the mistakes of our elders.

Let us not be the elders ours are to us, let us be united with everyone. If they can shape our future then we can shape a future too and we can't let it be what ours is now.

But right now, well, right now the world is collapsing, creating a void around Joe he doesn't know if he can escape. He just needs some space is all, and a bit of time, and maybe things will get better. Perhaps things will stay the same... there's no right nor wrong answer, but when people say the only was is up, they clearly haven't seen a graph where the results have stayed the same, because that's what everything eventually does. It gies in all different directions until it can only go in one; no improvements, no declines, just the middle, and boy does it feel awful being in the middle.

^^^^^

**Gwil's PoV (oOh)**

** Dysfunctional Family GC **

_WHY DID_

_sorry caps lock_

_Why did_

_No actually this is urgent_

_WHY DID JOE LEAVE THE GROUPCHAT_

_AND WHY, EMPHASIS IN THE H, DID BEN DO TOO_

** R ** :  _I'm not sure... but he just posted to his story so I think it's alright!_

** L ** :  _he's fine he's probs just a n t s y_

** L ** :  _or maybe something is actually wrong but I mean who knows with him_

** R ** :  _I lost all hope for him a year ago._

_You're both just SO optimistic_

** L ** :  _we actually deal with him_

** L ** :  _in the f l e s h_

** R ** :  _and bones!!_

_I'm going to text his man_

^^^^^

** ben._jones **

_Wheres your man gone_

_ I don't know. _

_ I haven't heard from him all day and usually he texts me before he  _ _ goes _ _ to _ _ bed and  _ _ I _ _ wake up and  _ _ I'm _ _ like oml  _ _ I _ _ have a text from Joseph and today there wasn't one and he's left the  _ _ groupchat _ _ and _ _ idk what to do. _

_ Well shit _

_ This is worrying. _

_ We been knew _

_^^^^^_

**1** **day later**

** Dysfunctional Family GC **

** R ** :  _ IMSOSOREYIMLATEFORTHIS _

** R ** :  _ HE TEXT ME _

** L ** :  _ joe? _

** R ** :  _ NO VANILLA ICE _

_ we do not mention that name in this household _

** R ** :  _ Well, anyway, he text me. _

_ What did he say _

** R ** : it's like, two long ass paragraphs.

** R ** :  _ I'll _ _ copy and  _ _ paste _ _ them! _

_ I mean you could just screenshot but  _ _ I _ _ mean- _

** L:  ** _ sssshhh don't spoil it for him _

** R ** :  _ I love you all very much, and I know I keep leaving when things go south but I woke up today feeling nothing. Very empty. Very complicated. I don't want to spring anything on you guys or worry you, but I don't want to put on a fascade like I've had to so many times before. It's not fair on any of us. So before you go blaming yourselves on this, just know; it's none of your guys' fault. It's not even my fault. I have an amazing support system in you guys that I should be utilizing but not at the cost of dumping all my problems onto you and expecting things to get better. Tommorow I'm going to the doctors once more and maybe I'll have a responce then. Maybe I won't. _

** R ** :  _ Gwilym, stay welsh you bastard, and I love you very much, and  _ _ I _ _ promise  _ _ I _ _ will send you your roger pics as soon as  _ _ I _ _ get back! And  _ _ I _ _ promise  _ _ I _ _ won't spam the groupchat like last time. Or maybe  _ _ I _ _ will. Who knows. I don't. _   
_ L _ _ ucille!! You lil british gal you are worth so much and you don't know it. I am so so proud of what you have come out of and how strong you have stayed. You're a blessed soul, and you are worth way more than you credit yourself. _   
_ Benjamin, my bee, my lovely, you are a saint. Stay strong. Don't worry about me, I know you are but that would be silly, and you're the mature one out of us. Please, be strong, be resilient and above all be you. _   
_ A _ _ nd to the messenger, Ramalama ding dong, I don't treat you as well as I should. I'm sorry. You're an angel, and there is nothing I know i can criticize about you. I mean it. I'm sorry for not being there as of late but I'm glad you've found a lovely group of friends. You give yourself too much stick _

_ Man he fuckin exposed us in that wow _

_ But  _ _ I _ _ love him and of he needs time off then book him a holiday _

** R:  ** _ Ooh!! _

_ Rami  _ _ you're _ _ giving me an aneurysm with your text speak _

** R ** _ : whaaaaaat? 🤩 _

_It's so_ _fuckin_ _ funny  _ _ it's just _ _ that  _ _ I _ _ can hear it in your voice and  _ _ I'm _ _ laughing rn _

** R ** _ : I'm not very good at the whole MoDeRn TeXt SpEak. _

** R ** _ ; Y'know? Xx _

** R ** _ : I'm an old lady. _

**R** _ : correction... _

** R ** :  _short old lady._

** L ** :  _ I _ _ really want a hedgehog _

** R ** :  _great timing Luce. Xx_

** L ** :  _okay i know but_ _ I rlly _ _ want a hedgehog _

_ Rad _

_ I had a hedgehog _

_ He was called Kiwi _

_ It was very rad of him to piss on my hand once _

** R ** :  _oof-_

** L ** :  _noiiiice_

** R ** :  _that's totally radical!_

_ IKR _

_ his deathaversery is coming up on the 11th _

**R** _ : Rest in Pieces Kiwi. Xx _

**L** _ : u were named after an amazing fruit _

**R** _ : Yee. 😔❤❤ _

_ You two are too much  _ _ I _ _ swear _

_^^^^^_

**Later that day**

** Dysfunctional Family GC **

_ Did  _ _ I _ _ do a good thing right now _

**L** _ : wat _

_ I messaged Mrs. Mazzello and asked if  _ _ I _ _ could send a letter to Joe because parental consent is important _

**L** _ : yes u did _

**L** _ : wait wit joe or his mum _

_ Joe's _ _ mam _

_ Do you think she'll  _ _ respond _ _? _

_ I also sent a picture of myself to prove  _ _ I'm _ _ actually "welsh boy" and not a pedo _

**L** _ :  _ _ I'm _ _ sorry _

**L** _ : what is "proving your  _ _ actually _ _ welsh boy" _

_ Oh so basically _

_ I already followed  _ _ Joe's _ _ mam cos shes really cool and she responded to my comment once that she'll adopt me one day _

_ And apparently she keeps forgetting my name so Joe refers to me as "welsh boy" when he speaks about me _

_ Anyway,  _ _ I'm _ _ welsh boy, and  _ _ I _ _ just sent her a  _ _ picture _ _ to prove that  _ _ I _ _ am not a 40 year old nonce like every parent suspects of their childs internet friends _

**R** _ :  _ _ I _ _ like Joe's mom. Joe's mom is a cool mom. _

**L** _ : she didn't believe  _ _ I _ _ was a real person who went to school with Joe so she looked through my instagram page and then she wa slike "yes yes you are fo real" and now she follows me too _

**L** _ : to be fair though, my parents stalked Joe's page too _

_ Why didn't you just show up at his house and say hi _

**R** _ : she's lazy. _

**R** _ : sorry Luce. Xx _

**L** _ : ay yknow what imma send some letters too _

**L** _ : Cos  _ _ they'll _ _ get delivered  _ _ quicker _ _ cos  _ _ I _ _ know where he lives _

_ Without context that is v creepy _

**L** _ :  _ _ yeah _ _ okay _ _ Mr " _ _ I _ _ just messaged my friends mum a picture of myself to prove  _ _ I'm _ _ not a pedo" _

_ Proceed. _

**L** _ : send me le messages n  _ _ I'll _ _ write them down on paper _

_ Oh i thought you was gonna write it on Rami's back _

**R** _ : I'm not into that. Xx _

**L** _ : WoAH WOAHWAIH _

_ RAMI _

_ FFS _

**R** _ : in the words of Joe, :-/k _

**R** _ : that's apparently my mini  _ _ oui _ _ he has. _

**R** _ : I wasn't sure whether to be offended or honoured. _

_ I'd say honoured _

_ Ben showed me what my mini oui would be and consider yourself lucky _

**L** _ : what was yours _

_ :-)|== _

**L** _ : that is- _

**R** _ : True! X _

**L** _ :  _ _ I _ _ just smacked Ram for you _

**L** _ :  _ _ you're _ _ welcome. _

_^^^^^_

**Within like 2** **minutes** **idk**

** Ginnie **

_ Hi Mrs Mazzello! Please answer... don't be alarmed! _

_ I'm _ _ "Welsh Boy." _

_ Well, Gwilym, Gwil, but  _ _ I _ _ know  _ _ you _ _ know me as Welsh Boy, Joe's friend. _

_ Here's photo proof so you know  _ _ I'm _ _ not a bad person-scammer-pedo.  _ _ Anyways. _

_ I was told by Rami (goes to Joe's school I  _ _ believe _ _. Really short.  _ _ I've been _ _ told has a weird accent.) That Joe isnt doing so well. I know he's struggled with depression and anxiety and  _ _ I'm worried _ _ for him because he is  _ _ definitly _ _ one of my closest friends. I care for him very much. And  _ _ I _ _ wondered if she'd appreciate me sending him a post card? If it meets post office standards of course. _

_ Thank you for consideration and time! Also, I don't know if you'd mind, but do you think it could surprise him in a good way if he didn't know it was coming? Just a though... don't want to bother  _ _ you _ _ if you don't mind! _

_ Hello _

_ Hello Mrs. Mazzello! _

_ Are you friends with Rami too? Sorry  _ _ I'm _ _ just digesting all your messages 😂 _

_ Please, call me Ginnie, Mrs. Mazzello is my mother-in-law _

_ I'm _ _ friends with Rami, Lucy and Benjamin (Ben).  _ _ I'm _ _ assuming you know the first two as they go to school with Joe  _ _ and are _ _ the only _ _ ones in the States! _

_ Ok. Joe speaks of you all the time 🙂 where are you in England and when are you planning to come here? _

_ I live near Birmingham, which is a city in the Midlands, and  _ _ I _ _ just plan on sending Joe a postcard! _

_ Oh I see! When you said "it was coming"  _ _ I _ _ thought you meant you were coming here.  _ _ I'm _ _ still very baffled because _ _ this _ _ hasn't  _ _ happened _ _ before 😂 _

_ I think it's very considerate for you to send him a  _ _ postcard _ _. _ _ It would make him very happy, which I have to say, is a sad rarity in recent times. He  _ _ doesn't get out much anymore unfortunately, but  _ _ I _ _ assume you know that? _

_ AYes, I'm aware, and it is awful and very unfortunate, but all I've mentioned are here to support him as much as we can, and  _ _ I _ _ believe Lucy is writing a letter to send him also with a message on it _

_ Lucy who lives 5 minutes away? _

_ The very same (just in case it is not the very same, the british one, goes out with Rami [if you didn't know that, surprise!] Blonde, erm, wants a hedgehog) _

_ Yes  _ _ I _ _ know  _ _ Lucy _ _ , she is a sweet girl! Why write a letter though? Do you know? _

_ I have no clue what goes on in the mind of anyone in our groupchat. The closest  _ _ I _ _ can get to is Ben, because  _ _ I've _ _ known him for a while, but Joe is quite the character, Rami comes out with one liners that make you question if he is human and Lucy I'd say is quite like me, but  _ _ I _ _ don't know what happening up in my mind either so  _ _ that's _ _ no help _

_ Seems like you all fit very well together! _

_ I have to go drop Joe's younger brother off to practice now, but go ahead and send the postcard, and  _ _ I _ _ won't tell, don't worry 🙂 _

_ Thank you! Have a nice day! _

_ You too Gwilym! _

^^^^^

** Dysfunctional Family GC **

_ Okay so  _ _ I _ _ have permission to send the message _

**R** _ : What did Joe's mom say? _

_ That  _ _ you're _ _ a  _ _ crack head _

**R** _ : WHAT _

_ jk _

_ She basically said "yeah go ahead and send him it  _ _ that's _ _ very considerate and joe speaks of all of you all the time and anyways Lucy is nice and you all seem to fit together and  _ _ I _ _ have to go now skrr" _

_ Obviously not in that wording _

**R** _ :  _ _ I _ _ would have made that assumption. _

**L** _ : Ginnie is v nice 10/10 recommend _

_ She also said to call her Ginnie and not Mrs. Mazzello because "Mrs. Mazzello is her mother-in-law" _

**L** _ : and she said  _ _ I'm _ _ nice? _

_ I dont think she has a choice of saying  _ _ you're _ _ evil _

**L** _ : ahh true true _

_ I had to explain why  _ _ you're _ _ sending a letter when you live 5 minutes away and  _ _ I _ _ was  _ _ borderline _ _ on the verge of sending a  _ _ text post _ _ that represents all of us but  _ _ I _ _ just went with "we're all very strange and idk what goes on in her mind" _

**R** _ : it's true. Not even  _ _ I _ _ know. _

**R** _ : sorry Luce x _

**L** _ : it's fine.  _ _ I'm _ _ fine.  _ _ I'm _ _ trying to write this letter though _

**L** _ : you two better send me a message for him too idc about the postcard being sent we'll send this too _

_ Okay lemme write it n  _ _ I'll _ _ send _

**R** _ :  _ _ I'm _ _ not good at these t h i n g s. _

**L** _ : do you think joe would give a shit _

**R** _ : touche. _

_ I've written mah thing _

_ I'll _ _ send it to u priv _

**L** _ : aight cool cool _

**R** _ : I'm done too!! _

**L** _ :  _ _ I _ _ know you sent me the thing- _

_ Rami,  _ _ I _ _ hope _ _ you get some help _

**R** _ : for what? _

_ Your dumbassity _

**R** _ :  _ _ thanks _ _. I hope  _ _ I _ _ do too. _

**L** _ :  _ _ I'm  _ _ pretty _ _ sure that it  _ _ was _ _ Joe's mum that called Ram 'quite a character' once and we all know what that really means _

_ Yeah she first asked when  _ _ I _ _ was  _ _ going _ _ to the US and then  _ _ I _ _ was like no  _ _ I'm _ _ not going there and she was  _ _ like _

_ Oop _

** R:  ** _ My mom barely allows me to go out with Lucy. _ _ Says  _ _ I _ _ need _ _ to revise constantly. I took what Ginnie said as a compliment. If my mom called me a character  _ _ I _ _ would be smacked and probably publicly humiliated _ _ because it'd all come as a package of bad...ness. _

** L:  ** _ same tbh except  _ _ I _ _ just dont give a shit _

** R:  ** _ It isn't necessarily that  _ _ I _ _ give a shit, because  _ _ I _ _ stopped giving a shit approx. 2 years ago. It's more that if someone can get me out of the house, they don't deserve to witness anything other than my depression shining out, because chances are that  _ _ I _ _ did NOT want to leave the house. _

** R:  ** _ Xx _

** L:  ** _funnily enough,_ _I'm_ _not concerned about him._

_^^^^^_

**2 days later (maybe? Some time later.)**

** Dysfunctional Family GC **

** L:  ** _ JOE JUST REPLIEDED TO ME _

_ HE SENT ME ROGER PICS _

** R:  ** _ He said "It's britney, bitch." And proceeded to sound out the  _ _ entirety _ _ of Toxic through messages. _

** R:  ** _ I told him they're two different songs, and then he sent a voice message singing "you're so toxic". _

** R:  ** _He's back._

_**12.05.04 added ya.average.joe to the groupchat!** _

**J:** _whilst_ _I_ _was gone_ _I_ _made a list of things that happened to me_

_Spill_

**J:** _okay on day one_

**J:** _I_ _went to spell "cant" and my phone corrected_ _it_ _to "cantankerous" and idek what that means_

**J:** _I_ _also joked to my dad and said "_ _I'm_ _offended" and he said "hi offended,_ _I'm_ _not bothered"_

**J:** _and_ _I_ _showed my mom some Stefon (SNL) sketches and_ _I_ _wrote my own one because_ _it's really_ _formulaic but it still took 5 hours because its fucking random as fuck_

_It seems like you had an_ _appeasing_ _time_

**J:** _it was lonely but_ _I was_ _like, if nothing is changing_ _I_ _might aswell talk to people_

**J:** _so_ _I_ _is back_

**J:** _and_ _I_ _did_ _a thing also_

**J:** _because_ _I_ _was sleep deprived and bored_

**J** :  _Joe sees the glass as half full and Ben sees it half empty which is why they make such a good pairing. Then you have Lucy, who's drinking straight from the bottle. Gwil is in the corner wondering why it has to be glass and Rami broke the glass by putting his feet on the table._

_"Such a good pairing"_

**L:** _they are married_

**R:** _Joe don't read the above messages pls it contains private conversations. Xx_

**J:** _yeah you talking about gwils dead hedgehog_

_KIWI WAS A GOOD HEDGEHOG_

_EXCEPT FOR PEEING ON MY HAND_

**L:** _I_ _still rlly want one_

**R:** _Why can't you get one again?_

**L:** _all the pet shop owners_ _I_ _spoke to said that giving me_ _with_ _spiky objects isnt a good idea like wtf theyve known me for 5 minutes tf_

**J** **:** _whats incorrect about that tho_

**L:** _I_ _mean nothing but do you have to be so_ _blunt_ _?_

_Should we add_ _Ben_ _back_

_**ya.average.joe added ben._jones to the groupchat!** _

**B:** _so we're all back now?_

_Yee_

**B:** _good_

**L:** _nice seeing_ _you_ _too Ben_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading darlings!! Love you all so much!!  
> Heavy angst in this. Sorry about that. It happens sometimes 🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️ what I will say though is that all I wrote is the truth. If you are a good person in soul and heart, then nothing can stop you from getting you to good places.
> 
> All my love!!!


	12. my body feels young but my mind is very old

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Letters!!!  
> And a postcard.

**Joe's PoV**

These last couple days have been torturous. I mean, I get it, you're depressed, but come on, I mean seriously! I can't move in the mornings, I have no energy, I don't want to eat, so I don't, and everytime I go to do some revision or something related to school, I panic. Can someone be traumatised from school? If so, that's me, because I used to be able to analyse texts at home and do homework, because learning has never been the issue, but now i can't even do that. It sucks to be me I guess, but for one minute, even just one, can it not? Can I just be normal? No? Fine.

I'm just glad I have the groupchat, and somewhat understanding parents. They don't get it all, but if they didn't hear me out at least somewhat then I'd be sent into school to have a panic attack everyday, so I'm not complaining, well, only that I get called lazy, and it's always "what's wrong with him today?" Rather than "how can we help in the long run?"

I'm very tired and not because I don't sleep. Every little thing I do just drags on and on and weighs my body down and down until I'm cursed like Marley in A Christmas Carol with all the chains and locks on him. Every time I wake up, there's a weight on my chest and i can't move, but what's that? It's only your mental health? Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realise that if it's your mental health then people either don't believe you, or don't actually care.

So yeah, it's brilliant to have a great set of friends that understand what I go through, and honestly, I love them all so much. I hate flying because my father watches Air Crash Investigation and has done since I was small, so i always have panicked about plane crashes yet I'm flying seven hours, yes, upwards of seven, to go watch Ben play a rugby match and spend some time with him and Gwil. If you have me as a friend, unless you do something shitty, you're a devoted friend for life, and okay I do have a major crush on B but we're not telling him that.

Actually, I do have to text him back to tell him I've woken up. Why was I woken up so early again? Oh yeah, my mom told me I have a letter waiting for me downstairs. Lowkey I'm very scared because I don't get letters except for if I have a doctors appointment or if the school keep pestering me, and I'm really not up for either of those things.

When I picked it up, I saw it had no return address, meaning someone specifically dropped it off here which means it might be a bomb or have poison gases in it, but I'm intrigued so we'll let it slide.

I sat down as I opened it because I started to feel drowsy from standing so long. So it is a poison gas! Or I just haven't eaten in over twelve hours nor drunk any water and we all know what the body needs to function. Creating an uneven tear in the envelope, I wasn't allowed to use sharp objects in the house so it was a no to easily ripping it open with a knife, and now the packaging is ruined, but as I tip the contents out I see that it's what is inside that mattered (as it should do, I just let my mind wonder sometimes)...

Three folded up pieces of paper with three names written on the back of each one. _Rami, Gwilym, Lucy_. What the fuck is this?

Judging from common sense and hours of rewatching Sherlock countless times, I can deduce that Lucy wrote it and posted it before hopping to school, because unlike Rami and I, she doesn't circle above her i's and j's. This will be... interesting... let's record it!

Getting my phone out, I see that my storage is slowly filling up from how many Queen pictures I have, but that can be put aside for the grand opening of these letters, I assume. What else is it going to be? Death threats? If they sent that in letter form, then they're pussies, because they can just say it to my face, but again, I don't think they would do that. It's fifty fifty; it either is a death threat or it's not a death threat. Let's look at it as positively as we can.

Pressing on the record button, I arranged the still folded papers to the right of me. An uneasy feeling overtook me so I rubbed my chest and collarbone area through my black sweater to calm myself down as I spoke. "Okay, so," I sniffed because it's cold and I think I'm starting to get the flu. "I erm," holding up the original envelope, I shimmied and pointed out the name. "Joseph, which is me... I guess... I don't know anyone else who's the third Joseph Francis Mazzello." My eyes stood still at the papers, wide, as the awkwardness just caught up with me. "I have the letters infront of me, and I guess this is just my reaction to them? I thought they were death threats at first, but then I got some common sense, y'know? Anyway, I know who they're from because er, names, but I'll pick from random because they turned name-side-down."

Reaching out blindly, I was greeted with light blue handwriting that simply read _Joe_. I spoke aloud as I read but warned the camera "I can't read quickly, so this is going to take a long time and I'm sorry about that." Following the text, it was evident who this one is from. _I've known you now for 2 years and I would just like to thank you so much for being one of the closest and greatest friends I've ever had._ "Well this is from Ramalam." I didn't read aloud all of it, because that's exposing and I do want to keep some dignity to myself, but I read what I thought was funny, like when a word was crossed out because Lucy made a mistake and wrote above it in pink _mothertrucker_. "That hurt like a buttcheek on a stick." _I'm notoriously known for being not very good at picking friends but at least I got one right! You are so caring and funny and weird. And I love you very much. It seems kinda weird having Lucy send this too you when I only live a couple doors down but I think it's meant to be more about the gesture than the logic of it. Anyways,_ _I_ _live you so much!_ "Pfft, live. I live you too Ram!" _From your fellow science boi partner._ "Science bois! Science bois doing what science bois do, if you don't like us, we will sue. Science bois doing what science bois do, copper sulfate, we pika-choose!"

Let me explain what on earth that was before we go on with the emotional theme park ride.

One day, we were doing experiments in science, 'we' being Rami and I. I had to make copper sulfate crystals, which involves pouring copper sulfate into a little bowl, if I remember correctly, which I might not. It's been a while. Any who, being the crackheads we are, we had no clue what we were doing and Rami ended up spilling copper sulfate all over my jacket. It's still stained! He did get it on his hand too, and he had to drench it in water, but I really liked that jacket and now it is forever ruined. As said, we aren't fully capable of knowing when to giggle and when not to, so as we were howling at the basin, some jocks or whatever laughed at us, and Rami said "sue you!" Instead of the usual "screw you." Et voila, to the tune of some random youtube video Rami found called Blond Boys, we became science bois doing what science bois do.

And to take some of the dumbassity off of Rami, I dropped our little porcelain bowl on the ground, smashing into even tinier segments all over the shop. On a positive note, I'm not allowed sharp things, so Rami had to clean it up. I see this as a win in my book.

 _By the way, I've been told to leave the typos in so now you can call him out for it_. "Well Ram, consider yourself," I showed the last bit of writing to the camera (awkwardly, because it seems I cannot do anything without awkwardness). "Consider yourself called out, by me and Luce, or Luce and I... you're called out Rami, but thank you, I will tell you how much it means when I see you later!" There was a significant amount of time where I didn't see Rami or Luce in the flesh because I couldn't leave the house, but now I can get past that, I try see them as much as I can, so I go to his bus stop and walk him home sometimes, or we go for a coffee in a quaint, independent, family run shop around 10 minutes from our houses.

"Alright, who's next?" Picking up the next letter, I couldn't help but giggle and hold my head in my hands for a second. "This is so weird." Opening the folded paper, I read aloud the first couple lines. "Joe... Hi. How are you? Hopefully better." _I miss you_ "I miss you guys too!" _We all do. But we'd do anything for the sake of your health. You're one of my best friends and you're a funny, brilliant P̶e̶r̶s̶o̶n̶a̶l̶i̶e̶ (whoops) personality_. "It has in brackets 'whoops' so I think Lucy made a mistake there." _Depression is a hard battle, but you're so, so strong. I've no doubt that you'll be able to overcome it. I wish I could_  
 _do so much more for you now, but I hope this suffices. You've got a lot to stick around for ;) -Welsh Bastard_. "PS, Roger and Brian arrived and I SWEAR I saw someone holding up a banner that read 'I'm in love with my car'. Thought you'd find that a bit funny... well you're gonna have to find me that picture because I didn't see nothing!"

"I can only presume there's one person left so erm, well, I know who it is but let's have a look anyway." I noticed there was writing on the back of the paper which I glanced at before unfolding it, reading _Ben wanted you to know that he loves you very much_. Oh boy, I think if I'm going to cry at any point now, it's going to be this letter.

I didn't speak aloud much this time, apart from little notes on the side like when Lucy got a hand cramp and the writing went all wonky. When I got to the end, the final few words got soaked with a tear as I spoke "I love you with all my heart you crackhead... so I'm a crackhead am I? Well, we been knew." _Lots of love, like, a shit tonne of love, your little alcoholic gal._

Leaning back in the chair I had been recording from, I covered my face as a fell into giggles, and lord knows I have an ugly laugh that should not be heard by anyone. Exhaling, looking into the camera, my cheeks ached from grinning as much as I was. "Well, I hope that one day I can get the brits addresses so I can send them letters too, stalk them maybe, we'll see." Gathering the letters, I arranged them and flicked through them all again, winking to the camera "I'm going to frame all of these and put them on my wall with all of my queen stuff, just you watch!" And with that, I ended the video which had now lasted over five minutes and went to split it so I could send them it on the groupchat.

And then that's when I went on the search for a photo frame. What, you think I was lying when I said I was going to frame it? I can already picture where it's going to be hung up; just below the News of the World album cover and weird gold disc thing I have going. Whilst I'm flaunting off my wall, I also have a Rogerina poster up too. It's less of a poster and more of a printed A4 picture I did at school but it's surviving there. Somehow.

^^^^^

**Le** **next** **day**

"JOE!"

"WHAT?!"

"YOU'VE GOT A POSTCARD FROM ENGLAND!"

"WHAT?"

"YOU GOT A POSTCARD-"

"WHAT?"

"GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE!"

Sometimes I really hate having a bedroom upstairs, because I usually end up having to go around the house when I want something because no one can hear what I say and I can't hear them.

I took one of my earphones out and headed down to the front room where my dad was stood looking at something in his hands. He should be at work right now but, well, I guess not. "You have a postcard."

"A postcard?"

"No a refrigerator-"

"Gimme-" handed the single piece of paper? Cardboard? It had a picture of a turtle on it with writing on that back and that's all I can make of it. Turns out, Gwil had also written to me on his own accord, sending me a postcard of a turtle (?!) With a lovely message on the back, and in what I can assume is a last minute remembrance, added _do you have that picture of Brian with the others bent over in front of him?_ I know exactly the one he is talking about and sent it to him before checking any other messages I've received. Allow it, I've just woken up!

** sexydavidtennant **

_ Ah so  _ _ you've _ _ got it _

_ Yes  _ _ I _ _ have _

_ I love it _

_ It's gonna be with the letters _

_ Did you find a frame? _

_ Yup _

_ Everything barely fits but  _ _ it's all _ _ there _

_ I had to fold up the letters so only like one line per paper is seen _

_ Which lines _

_ "I love you with all my heart your crackhead" _

_ "From your fellow science boi partner" _

_ And your PS bit _

_ Ah nice _

_ I had to text your mam for  _ _ consent _

_ Because consent is key _

_ You text my mom _

_ Yeah _

_ She told me to stop calling her Mrs Mazzello _

_ And then she was like When are you coming to the states _

_ So  _ _ I _ _ was like _

_ Am not _

_ Omg  _ _ I _ _ need to see this _

_ What  _ _ it _ _ gonna go onto your mams account and read her messages? _

_ I'm _ _ her  _ _ favourite _ _ and her passwords all follow the same formula with my name so  _ _ I _ _ am going to do that yes _

_ Why the fuck _

_ How the fuck _

_ Whomst- _

_ Don't judge me _

_ I'm _ _ not judging you _

_ Lowkey amazed _

_ Yeah  _ _ I've _ _ managed to sneak out of trouble a LOT because of this so don't be a snitch _

_ I think your mam has had enough of me tbh _

_ I don't think she would answer anymore messages  _ _ I _ _ send _

_ No she will _

_ She knows about yall _

_ Benjamin and welsh boy _

_ And obv ram and  _ _ Luce _

_ I know  _ _ Ben's _ _ fam know you but  _ _ I'd _ _ be dead if  _ _ I _ _ told mine _

_ So a mystery  _ _ you'll _ _ remain _

_I hope to die a mystery_

_Any particular reason or are you_ _just_ _fucking crazy_

_No_ _I'm_ _fucking bonkers but that isn't the reason_

_I just think it would be nice_ _yknow_

_To die?!_

_To have like_

_People_

_To have people?!?_

_Wondering where the fuck you went, or how the fuck you died, and have loads of theories that people will blog_ _about_ _and try to solve_

_Like_

_I'm_ _watching from above n_ _looking_ _at them like "these guys."_

_"_ _I woulda_ _totally solved this by now"_

_If my death/disappearance doesn't get memed then_ _I'm_ _doing it wrong_

_Which would you rather strange disappearance and would you like to be found or not OR unexplainable death_

_I think if_ _I_ _were to strangely disappear and end up being found then_ _I_ _would defo be memed but ruin_ _creadability_ _whereas if_ _I_ _am dead, then_ _I_ _don't know_ _I'm_ _dead, because_ _I'm_ _dead_

_That doesnt_ _answer_ _my question pussy_

_Okay well what would you do_

_ Mysterious death _

_ Wow okay _

_ Any reason _

_ Death _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell you what, friends like these are keepers!!!
> 
> Love you all. Thanks for reading!!!


	13. so what do you say

He can't sit still. Okay, that's a lie, he can sit still for hours. Days, even. His family have a joke that he could sleep for America if it was a competition, or maybe Italy. Europe has some weird competitions, right? Ben told him how there's a cheese rolling contest in England every year, and as hilarious as the videos of it are, the injuries look REALLY bad. At least sleeping can't harm you in anyway. The worst it can do is kill you, and you don't know you're dead when you are, so does it matter? No, not particularly, but Joe does have things to live for, it's just about find something to keep him occupied in the mean time...

Ask anyone around Joe and they'll be honest, he cannot draw to save his life, but boy can he colour, so upon discovering the art of Draw Your Squad memes, he hopped right onto that bandwagon and started drawing out his 'squad' (don't tell them he said that. He would get mocked for the rest of his damned life.) He, of course, did his best. He tried, really! It just seems that him and anything artistic is simply not meant to be, but hey, he submitted his work to the group anyway and, well, it wasn't too bad of a reaction?

** Dysfunctional Family GC **

** G ** _ : why is rami wearing  _ _ bright _ _ neon pink fucking trousers _

** R ** _ : If you tell them,  _ _ I _ _ will kill you. _

_ He  _ _ came _ _ to my door once just wearing them. It was like 11pm and he ran to my door and said "fuck you" and ran away again. It's  _ _ weird _ _ and  _ _ I _ _ couldnt be  _ _ bothered _ _ to draw anything else _

_ I didnt know  _ _ what _ _ to draw ANYONE in so  _ _ I _ _ dressed  _ _ gwil _ _ as the doctor and  _ _ Luce _ _ in her pyjamas and ben in a tracksuit and me in my  _ _ clothes _

** G ** _ : Jeans and a graphic tee cos I'm a gay disaster _

_ I haven't the time to draw those kinda designs _

_ I was suppose to wear a  _ _ hoodie _ _ too but  _ _ I _ _ gave  _ _ up _ _ at the hood and made  _ _ it _ _ a jacket _

** B ** _ :  _ _ I _ _ love it  _ _ personally _

** L ** _ : that's  _ _ biased _ _ tho _

** B ** _ : not  _ _ when _ _ it's genuinely great _

_ :-)K _

** R ** _ : Well, I mean, good job Joe. It's not as bad as it could have been. _

** L ** _ : the hairs weird _

** G ** _ : all a mess really _

** G ** _ :  _ _ you _ _ got the outfit good tho so well done _

_ Why do  _ _ I _ _ even try to impress any of you _

_ When  _ _ I _ _ get THIS as a repayment? _

And so, once more than already, he was left bored. He could revise but that's no fun. He could clean his room but he's too lazy. Y'know what, he could run away right at this very moment, sneak on a plane, fly to England and confess his undying love for Ben and watch as they both rise to the top of their industry's and become the hottest power couple of the century.

But again, he's too lazy to do that.

He shouldn't say it, but if there's one thing he misses about school (he doesn't miss school itself. School can go jump off a cliff and bring the government with it), he misses seeing Rami and Lucy every day. He misses those time during Lunch at the beginning of the year when they found out they were sat so far apart from each other in classrooms now and so learnt basic sign language so they could communicate with one another. All the times the teachers called them out for laughing, which only made them laugh even more and get sent out the room to "calm down."

Or when Joe was simulating cutting off a babies head, tipping the brains out and yeeting the poor thing (they had to read Macbeth and something about chopping a baby's brains out gets mentioned... yuck) and the teacher looked at him and announced with her whole chest "Yes! Exactly like that!"

I'm sure you can imagine how long they were in hysterics for after that.

All those memories lead Joe to wondering why he shouldn't just suck it up and create new ones, go out and do things, be something! It's then that he's reminded of the fact and from the moment he wakes up, he cannot move. Can't breathe, so all sense collapses and the day can't proceed without worry. Without concern. Without overthinking everything. Not a minute can pass without wondering the most irrational things will occur. _Don't cross the road, a car will hit_ _you_. But there's no cars coming? _Don't do it_. Okay.

Who he is and who is brain is are two completely different beings. According to his counsellor, the psychology term is Id and Ego (and, technically, Super Ego); Id would be the devil on your shoulder. Acting on pleasure and not thinking about consequence. It's the unconscious, impulsive part of the human psyche, reacting on basic urges, needs, and desires; once an impulse has been acted on, you will experience pleasure, but if not you will experience tension and uncomfort. Id isn't in touch with the real world, therefore they have no concern for it. Fantasy. Illogical. Irrational. The part of everyones being they will try to suppress internally; primitive instinct.

Ego is your common sense. The counterbalance to Id's chaos. The reason to Id's carelessness, but like everything in life, there will be similarities. They both will attempt to seek pleasure, or reduce tension, it's just that Ego finds a way that won't cause harm to them self and Id. No right, no wrong; there's a direction to go in that Id goes down with the help of Ego blocking any illogical ways. Ego is, well, you.

Super Ego is the angel. They're logic, they are the persuasion to seek moral good rather than a realistic approach and they are rationalized thinking. When you look for perfection, that's your Super Ego coming out, and it does that in two main ways; the conscience and ideal self.

Conscience-Ego will punish you (Ego) for giving into Id's demands through guilt and turmoil, whereas Ego-Ideal will punish you or make you feel proud if you have fallen short or exceeded expectation of your own ideal self. Your aspirations, image, morals, kindness; the best _you_ you want to be.

That's not how Joe would explain it though. He and his brain aren't the angel/devil or Id/Super-Ego to someone's Ego; think Yin and Yang.

There's bad in Joe's overriding good and there's some good in his brain's predominant bad, however, the two don't mix. They stay swirled around each other with the one part they share in common longing to get back with who it belongs to, but like the eye of a tornado or the middle of a ripple in a vast ocean, it only expands, and when something expands to the limit in the small space it has, something will break.

That's where outside forces come in.

When you have a friend who just grounds you, or a family member who's hug encapsulates you into relief. Perhaps it's listening to music, drawing a picture, writing a song or poem, going for a walk; whatever can soothe, calm and collect all that frustration, keep it, treasure it and remember, where there is good in bad, there is bad in good, not necessarily meaning you are bad or evil in anyway... the bad can simply be all those worries and thoughts, so something taking them away is obviously going to give some relief.

Well, maybe, no... definitely. Joe can say with his whole heart that the reason talking with Ben is so relieving is because he is the Super Ego to his own Ego. _Ah, so that's what the therapist meant_. No wonder talking with him makes everything go away.

Still, for the moment, he has a nagging in his brain. They have a voice, a persona, a whole logistic about them; everything Joe doesn't want to be, they are. To look in a mirror and only see your scars, blemishes, bruises, imperfections. _Oh_ , to look in the mirror and see what Joe sees; the part of him he doesn't want to confront. _Ah_ , to look around and see himself round every corner, always watching, always lurking, always up to something he doesn't know about.

Often people will tell him he has a spark in his eyes. They'll smile slightly and compliment the light they hold.

This being has dull, dark eyes. No light. No spark. No tone. _No life_...

A habit he seriously needs to cut out is rambling. One day he will spill his whole depressing life onto a poor soul and neither will know what to do about it. Let's be honest though, anything he does is disastrous, or someone will make it out to be for him. Even flying! The safest mode of transport and he is scared shitless!

Gwil told him there's no reason to worry but in actual fact there is _EVERY_ reason to worry. Plane crashes _do_ happen. Oxygen tanks _can_ bust. As the Welsh boy mentioned told him though, you can only die once, so does it really matter how you go? Ben probably would have had a more sensible answer, but he can't expose it all yet. He has it all planned out you see.

^^^^^

**Ben's PoV**

He is a mess.

No really, a mess. A beautiful, athletic, emotional mess, and that's perfect, because he then fits in with all his mess friends and do what mess friends do; complain. A lot. About themselves. And do you know what? Nearly all the time, someone will tell him that he hasn't the right. He has no right to call himself a mess. Whether it's because of his gender, his looks, ethnicity, "privilege", anything people will target and call him out for and say "you can't complain. You can't say you have emotions. You don't know pain."

Oh, but they don't know the half of it.

Everyone on this earth should have one thing; basic human rights. If you're fortunate enough to have those rights, all of them, then the only right you don't have is to complain when someone wants them to. "I think it's a tad ridiculous though," he started, eyebrows drawn together in concentration and deep thought. "Like, why are people angry? What are they losing? Nothing, that's what. No one is trying to bring them down and raise others up. It's not about subverting the social norms of the now and oppressing them, it's about lifting the oppressed up so we are all equal. If you lose something in that then it is fair, and-"

"Ben, seriously mate," his dad laughed under his breath. "Go to sleep, we still have upwards of two hours left on this journey and I'm not spending it listening you ramble on about oppression or subverting social norms."

"Is it because you don't even know what those words mean?" Asked Mike

"Shut up Mikey you didn't even know how to spell because until a month ago." Their dad clapped back, eyeing up his youngest son in the back seat through his rear view mirror, Ben keeping an eye on his brother through the wing mirror.

"So it's true?" The mischievous younger blonde raised his brows, putting his phone down to fold his arms together and smirk out of smugness. "You lecture us on getting good grades and all but you've said yourself that the only reason you went to school was to play football so I mean-"

"Listen you fuckwit," if you couldn't tell already, this trio is extremely nonchalant with each other. "I was Ben's age-"

"Don't drag me into your fuckin' feud."

"Shut up Ben. I was his age in what, do the math," they all looked in directions to the corners of their vision, a trait they all seem to have picked up from their grandfather, and each blurted out different answers. This is why none of them can be trusted with anything whatsoever. People assume they're lazy but in actual fact they just can't be trusted. "No okay wait, how old am I now? Forty... two?"

"No, you're as old as Queen's seventh album and that's forty one this year because it came out in '78." Ben quipped. Somehow he will always find a way to include Queen in a conversation, or use his knowledge to his advantage. "So when you were my age it was 1993."

"And do you know who gave a shit about anything in 1993?" Only the stereotypical voice of a football player being interviewed on the radio was heard as they fell silent in search of an answer. "Not high school kids, that's who."

"I just think that you've not got any smarts in you."

"Considering you just said the word 'smarts' I don't think that you do either." The eldest in the car proceeded to blurt out multiple expletives when a car swerved infront of him and back out, being in the wrong lane and all. Funny that; whoever you're driving with will always think they're in the right.

"I have a sort of 'do as I say and not as I do' attitude, y'know."

"Oi Mikey, we ever tell you of when you was a kid 'n you used to watch Thomas 'n the Tank Engine?" Ben turned around to see his brother confused yet intrigued reaction. "You used to go around shouting out that your favourite character was the 'Fucking Troler' and we had no clue what you meant until you told us that it was the lad with the top hat and we realised that you kept calling the Fat Controller the Fucking Troler." Laughter erupted from all as the memory came back for their dad and embarrassment took over Mike, though the youngest wouldn't lie, he takes pride in knowing how genuinely stupid he is. In this family, if you're not a clown, you just don't fit in.

"Alright Benjamin," Mike slapped his brother in a sneak attack, squashing his face and being the annoying younger sibling his destiny foretold. "Aww, lil widdle Benjamin!" The mentioned was quite clearly not amused by this and from the perspective of their dad, he sure was proud his boys fought like he and his brothers did. "You look tired Benjie, you gonna go to sleep? You want me to sing you a lullaby?"

"I would be fuckin' tired I've been walking since I were two."

"Wow alright. I've got a prescription for you, it's called manners," ruffling up Ben's hair, Mike finally sat back and observed the reactions his brother gave (slightly proud, mostly fed up) in the windshield window's reflection. "Gotta get it over the counter they're so strong."

"You're lucky I can't go back there and slap the sarcasm out of you. If I could you'd be fuckin' goner!" Blindly, Ben punched his brother in the leg by pounding his hand down behind him in any direction, knowing he succeeded when Mike yelped.

"Yeah, if..."

"I swear to all things mighty I will just kick you in the balls when we get out this car."

"Lucky me." Mikey squinted, a sneer following his quip. "Luck is fuckin' stupid."

"Yeah like, you break your leg and people say _Well_ _you're_ _lucky aren't you!_ It's like, no I'm not a fucking broke my leg, n' they say _it_ _could've_ _been worse!_ " Throwing his arms in their air, the eldest brother whacked his hand on the window but emphasised his point of bafflement. "Like, okay, but it coulda been fuckin' better!"

"With how quickly that conversation changed, you two are definitely my boys."

"Did the fighting not prove it?"

"Mikey, we should fight more."

"I'm down for that."

He is so proud of his boys and all they have achieved. They've both been out in their own challenging situations, gone through torture and horrid behaviour and they still come out strong as ever. Mikey is only young, or younger than Ben; he's the baby of the family and has protection from his older brother, who isn't as fortunate and has had to go through hell and back with less support. Nothing can ever change the fact that they are his sons. Not Ben's sexuality, not Mike's scars and bruises from bullying that still affect him today.

His boys are not weak.

They are persistent, resilient and the kindest duo a person can know, despite what the rows and playfights may suggest, and it stems from a deep respect between the three of them, which makes keeping secrets from them all the more hard.

^^^^^

** sexydavidtennant **

_So where dyou wanna meet up tommorow_

_Erm_

_Lemme think_

_Erm_

_Who's_ _gonna be there cos if_ _your_ _dad n brother wanna_ _come_ _then we can go ice_ _skating_ _but if_ _they're_ _not then we have to take the_ _detour_ _way of going iceskating_

_Gwil neither_ _of_ _us_ _can skate_

_Not if we don't practice_

_Okay well if we going ice_ _skating_ _either_ _way_ _I_ _might aswell tell dad n Mikey to come so they aren't stuck in the hotel the whole time_

_True true_

_Theres_ _also a record shop_ _nearby_ _if_ _you_ _wanna go_

_Ur_ _the_ _tour guide you tell me_

_Dont put this pressure on me_

_Erm_

_You_ _say erm a lot_

_I like to_ _visualise_ _my confusion_

_Lemme make a plan of what to do_

_Alright_

_So_ _I'm_ _back with my plan_

_You didnt even go anywhere_

_I know but listen_

_I'm_ _free every day except Wednesday_ _and_ _thursday now_

_And_ _Saturday_ _is your match_

_Yes_ _I_ _know_ _I_ _am playing in it_

_So choose_ _stuff_ _to do an we will do it_

_You_ _got like 3 days to do stuff_

_Cos_ _I_ _know what is_ _happening_ _on Sunday_

_Oh?_

_Dont ask_

_I've learnt_ _not to_

_Good_

_Now sleep so we can get to the_ _ice rink_ _early_

_I'm_ _not having_ _you_ _wake up midday because you didnt sleep_

_That's_ _Joe's_ _problem not mine_

_Speakingof_

_I need to text him goodnight so goodnight to you first_

_Night_

_See you tomo_

_^^^^^_

** ya.average.joe **

_ Joey!! _

_ Joseph!!! _

_ Yes my love? _

He had called Joe "love" once and now when the conversation is between them, they're usually calling each other just that, or even worse, "my love." He shouldn't give his hopes up but every time Joe says it, it makes him just that little bit more hopeful.

_ I have to go to sleep now so  _ _ I _ _ can spend _ _ the day with the family and gwil (hes taking us iceskating) and  _ _ I've _ _ been  _ _ condemned to _ _ bed early so  _ _ I _ _ have to sleep!! _

_ I love you so much and you hest be asleep at a reasonable time or i will flip! _

_ Love you! _

_ Love you too B!! Sleep tight and sweet dreams! ❤❤❤❤❤ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wash your hands, self quarantine if you feel sick, avoid contact with the elderly and those with a weakened immune system and stay safe!!!
> 
> Love you all!!!
> 
> ❤❤❤❤❤


	14. you can't give me the dreams that are mine anyway

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oH?

**Writer's** **PoV**

The plan was simple; Gwil meets Ben at the Premier Inn he's staying at, collects the three southerners, heads up to the ice-skating rink, does a fair few rings round and has a muck about, goes out for a cheeky nando's or a cheap meal and is back home in a reasonable time for his parents not to be suspicious. See? Bish bash Bosh. Ching chang Walla. There is nothing to be concerned about at this moment of time about the plan.

Traffic, however, is a whole other story.

That angry British driver that was on vine seriously depicted everyday traffic on the road and how every driver copes with it... horribly. Car horn here, unstable pedestrian there, fucking expletives every-fucking-where. You'd wonder why anyone drives when everyone... can't... drive.

"Ben mate, traffic, I- this is a bloody nightmare I'm going to be there in like, twenty minutes 'cos of this fu- this fucking traffic!" Keeping his voice hushed from the Uber driver, Gwil was getting rather agitated and Ben could sense that on the other side of the call. This friendly giant does not get angry a lot and he is currently pissed. "I hate it. I hate all of this fucking shit y'know."

"Gwil, calm your tits mate, you'll get here eventually." Glancing to the side where his dad and Mike where stifling laughter, as he was, he clasped the bridge of his nose and took in a deep, drawn out breath. "Keep yourself occupied until you get here, you'll be fine, okay?"

"Fuck, okay, fine, fuck it. Fuck all this shit." Gwil was, as people say, at wits end. "I'll text you when I've arrived."

"That may be one of the better ideas you've had mate." After saying fuck off to each other and ending the call, Ben collapsed onto his bed, rolling off the side and climbing onto the double which Mike and his dad were situated on. "What's on?"

"Eh, daytime telly, so pretty much shit after shit after shit-" as Mike carried on and on repeating himself, Ben had managed to take the remote control for himself and channel surf but as anticipated, nothing, so he settled for throwing the remote at his brother's head in an attempt to shut him up. "Fuck off Ben! Did you see that dad? Ben just threw the fucking remote at my fucking face! I could of like, died!"

Not even looking up from his game, their father simply stated in all truth "if he didn't do it, I would have." To which Muke gave his best offended face he could, although sarcasm reeked from it and ended up in him getting another slap. "Hey hey, boys, c'mon, what are the rules?"

"No fighting in hotel rooms." The two drawled out in sync. "Or when we have to go somewhere soon."

"Exactly," finally looking up, their dad pointed a finger between the two, raising an eyebrow and (trying to) be serious. "So behave, or you'll both get a clip 'round the ear, alright?"

Rolling himself to lay over Ben, the youngest complained "I just find it unfair that Ben starts these things and he doesn't get any consequences," turning his head, he pouted to the eldest in the room. "But if I start something, I'm called a little shit. Is that fair? No. Do I get compensation? Nuh uh!"

"That's because if Ben starts something, it's because you are being an annoying piece of shit, and if you start it, you're being an annoying piece of shit."

"HA!" over enthusiastically, Ben stood up and laughed eccentricly at Mike, who was hunched over his knees, arms crossed over each other. "Take that lil man!"

From then on, insults and petty comments were mixed in the air from all three boys until Ben got a text saying Gwil had arrived. A sudden pang of anxiety swept over him as the prospect of seeing, meeting and greeting one of his best friends for the first time. He couldn't decide whether he wanted to run down the corridor to the reception and tackle Gwil or lock himself in the bathroom so he won't have to confront the man. After some coaxing from his dad and agitation from Mike, the Jones clan made their way to the front, where a tall boy stood, clutching his phone, in a queen hoodie and some... sand shoes. Well, they're not sand shoes, but who doesn't want to tease him about something.

Once Gwil caught the attention of the others, his eyes widened, a grin stretching across his face, waving eagerly as Ben picked up the pace to where he was stood. "You're real!" The shorter muffled as they greeted in alright hug, Gwilym's height and Ben's strength cancelling each other out as they laughed obnoxiously. _I'm_ _hugging my best friend!!!_ Ben thought. _How many people are looking at us?_ Gwil panicked, letting go of Ben but keeping his hands braced on his shoulders. "Hi!"

"Hey!!" Cheeks hurting from their mischievous smirks, Gwil introduced himself to the other two, who watched with (not that they admitted it) a smile and glint of happiness. Perhaps one day Ben's dad will show him the video he sneakily took... This is all Ben has been looking forward to recently, even above the rugby match, the damn reason he's here! He's known Gwil the longest, has told the majority of his problems to Gwil, thinks of Gwil as the slightly older brother that's not afraid to be blunt but is a lanky barrel of laughs as well! "Right, should we get going? We're running late as it is!"

^^^^^

**An** **hour** **later**

"Go!" Pressing the button the record the scene infront of him, Mike captured the foolish queen stans recreating the titanic pose. Yes, you know the one; Ben with his arms stretched out and Gwil behind him, singing "my heart will go on" after Ben's dad had given them a push on the ice, because it's true, neither has a good enough balance to skate on their own,so as they go around the rink, it's really just a battle of who can make the other fall arse over tit the most times.

Mike saw a slush puppy machiene and hasn't even been on the ice yet because he has sensitive teeth and can't drink quickly, whereas his father was weary of skating at first as he still has a scar over his fingers from when he was younger and someone almost sliced his fingers off when he fell over on the ice. It's understandable, but that doesn't mean his boys didn't laugh at him for it.

It took Gwil and Ben almost five minutes, yes, near three hundred seconds, to get half way round the rink, where they were so exhausted and their feet so bugged up that they ditched the ice and went to a vending machiene. Neither had any cash on them though, so getting what they wanted was going to be tougher than originally thought.

They went back and forth, debating how exactly to go about doing this. Ben proposed sticking Gwil's arms up the door but Gwil politely denied, whilst he suggested shaking it till the end up making it...

"Okay... yup... I've- I've got it!"

"You got the-"

"I've got the top, you just have to tilt it from where you are-"

"It's already tilting."

"Don't let it crush you Ben-"

"No I'm not saying it'll fall onto me-"

"-you wouldn't want to get crushed Benjamin-"

"-Gwil I'm not gonna let it tip on me."

"-If you get crushed I might not get my kit kat."

Looking up at the taller, who was stood on a chair, grasping the top of the machiene as Ben squated in front of it, holding the sides and gently tilting the machiene towards himself, the blonde was not amused. "Wow Gwil, you're so very considerate for my life that you value a Kit Kat above me? Should I be glad that I got above a Mars bar?"

Squinting, Gwil kicked Ben's shoulder lightly. "Shut up you idiot and get this bag of monster munch for me, please."

They didn't manage to get anything out. In fact, the total came to negative one, because they ended up settling on Ben's earlier suggestion which ultimately led to Gwil's arm getting trapped and maintenance being called.

** Dysfunctional Family GC **

_ GWIL HAS HIS ARM STUCK IN A VENDING MACHIENE _

** L:  ** _ he WHAT _

_ ARM _

_ VENDING MACHIENE _

_ ID SEND A PICTURE BUT THE PEOPLE WON'T LET ME _

** L:  ** _THE PEOPLE??!_

_ICE SKATING_

_PEOPLE_

_EMPLOYEES_

_HIS ARM IS NOW OUT_

_AND MY DAD IS DISAPPOINTED IN US_

**J:** _I'm_ _not surprised someone got injured_

**J:** _two crackheads meeting_ _it's like_ _, what can go wrong?_

_I doubt anything like that happens when you, Luce and Rami meet up (3 crackheads)_

_Actually_ _I_ _take_ _that_ _back_

_Do_ _I_ _even want to know?_

**L:** _"no Rami, the aliens would abduct_ _you_ _first!_ _That's_ _when_ _you would say you_ _need_ _company and_ _I_ _would get teleported up and we would have to_ _survive_ _as_ _captors_ _and OH GOD RAMI OH FUCK THEY WOULD TRY AND BREED WITH US BECAUSE THERE'S NO ONE ELSE"_

**L:** _"in that case, you would have to go first._ _You've_ _got less to lose anyway. I might be of some value to them with my Rh negative blood"_

**L:** _"okay well,_ _considering_ _there is litterally two of_ _you_ _in this world,_ _you're_ _not that unique"_

**L:** _it_ _was_ _at_ _this_ _point that_ _I_ _asked Rami why i wouldn't be teleported_ _up_ _and why they would have to repopulate_ _with_ _the aliens_

**L:** _"because everyone else was wiped out in the apocalypse Lucy!"_

**L:** _"yeah Luce, weren't you paying attention?"_

**L:** _it might be a completely hypothetical_ _situation_ _, one that will probably never_ _happen_ _, but_ _according_ _to them, they_ _will_ _sleep through an apocalypse_ _that'll_ _kill everyone else, get abducted by aliens where_ _they'll_ _have to repopulate amongst the aliens_

**R:** _And we_ _developed_ _this thing where we live forever so the aliens will have to put up with us, but the plan is to be as annoying as possible and get them to kick us out of_ _quarantine_ _where we will go to a secluded area on the planet or ship and prank each other until one of our pranks eventually kills the other._

** G:  ** _ it is all Ben's fault that  _ _ I _ _ got stuck btw _

"Okay no first of all, you didn't have to listen to me, y'know? You didn't have to do it, but you did! That was your choice..." Ben pointed out from across the table in the Pizza Express, eyebrows raised and colouring pencil directed at Gwil, who had an ice-pack adorning his arm from where it had been trapped. The elder boy's expression was, per se, angry, playful albeit but very angry. "Hey, we got some snacks though!"

"And I almost broke my fucking arm you bloody idiot!"

"Again, not my fault."

"What do you mean 'not my fault'?!" Leaning back in his chair, the taller of the two kicked the other underneath the table, getting a snicker from Mike who had enjoyed his brother getting an earful from their dad, who was not impressed with his sons behaviour (but couldmt give a lecture to Gwil as he had been in that ecavr situation himself at their age, so he isn't one to talk.) "Okay, I chose to do it, but-"

"Exactly! You chose to do it!"

"But I wouldn't have done it if you hadn't have said 'Gwil, why don't you stick your hand up there and get us a treat'!"

Smirking, Ben countered "are we still talking about a vending machiene?" Which earned him a clip 'round the ear from his dad, who warned _no_ _innuendos_ _at the table!_ Promptly followed by "I didn't say it, that was on Gwil."

"Do you just blame everything on everyone else so nothing is ever truly your fault? 'Cos it seems like that's what you're doing right now."

"That's exactly what he is doing, and what he always fucking does- fuck!" That is five points to dad and none to Mikey in the game of noughts and crosses. Glancing up as his father drew up another game, the youngest boy spoke to Gwil but stared at Ben the entire time. "S'why I like thwacking him in the face all the time. He fully deserves it, 'course, no one believes that 'cos everyone loves Benjamin!"

"No one believes you because you always fuckin' lie Mikey."

"AND because everyone prefers you!"

"Not true."

"Yes it is!"

"Knock it the fuck off lads, no one prefers either of you 'cos you're both fuckin' idiots, now stop fuckin' fighting or I'll take both socks off my feet 'n shove 'em down your throats, 'ear me?"

^^^^^

On the day Gwil couldn't accommodate for reasons still unclear to Ben, the three Jones' slept in late, ordered some take away, watched an afternoon game show called Pointless ("the only pointless thing is this fucking show! Useless." joked the extremely imaginative youngest Jones) before sleeping some more. The pinical of a lazy day in.

The amp up to his match wasn't affecting Ben as one might presume. It's not the gut wrenching, piss-your-pants type of anxiety you'd get when you watching air shows for example. There's one in Bournemouth every year, free to watch, planes hefting around eachother closer than five feet together. When the small ones do tricks reminiscent of a rollercoaster ride, Ben's stomach always drops, especially when lads start jumping out of these tiny planes, but this isn't that type of anxiety.

It's the fear of failure, of working tirelessly for this one event, with the potential for it all to crumble with the blow of a whistle. Just by having an 'off' day, all of what this anticipation has led up to can amount to nothing.

He spoke to Gwil about it when they met again, hanging around a local park, kicking a ball around (and claiming Gwilym has an unfair advantage because he's both longer and has a wider wingspan whereas the lanky one countered that by simply saying "yeah, but I'm shit at football.") They took a break from the play around to lay down on a swing thing; a basket that swung, listening to Ben's sad playlist as he got to vent.

"We're not a shit team like, we're real good, proper like! We wouldn't have gotten to the finals if we wasn't, but so are the other team, and if they get the better of us we are done for! All we put our effort into, gone, because someone got injured or under performed and I don't know if I can cope with the fact that- that we failed."

Soft piano chords began to excite Gwil, who recognized the song as Chances by Athlete, taking the opportunity to wrap an arm around Ben's shoulder, who leaned into the touch, seeking comfort from this brotherly figure he has. Garunteed, they're in the same year at school, only a month and a week between them, but they have a bond, a strong brother-esque bond full of love and playfulness ans hatred and everything else youd imagine, but nothing more than a deep realness, respect and affection.

"A wise person-" Gwil snorted at his own words. "A person once told me of eleven rules for success," in thought, Gwil corrected what he said "well, in verbatim, eleven fucking rules to help you succeed. Number one; just do the fucking work, don't be lazy. Two, stop fucking waiting... it's always time. The right time-"

"But what if it's the wrong time?"

Shrugging his shoulders, Gwil looked as confused at the nature of the question as the one who asked it. "I don't know mate, don't shoot the messenger!" Apparently content with the answer, Ben nodded for Gwil to continue with this... list... "rule number three; rely on yourself because the universe doesn't give a fuck. Never has, never will. Lay you thine eyes on it's field of fucks and you will see-"

"That it is barren, yeah, you say that a lot." Ben smiled. "And who is this wise person who said this to you?"

"Eh," shaking his hand before placing it back comfortably on his stomach, Gwil simply stated "you don't know 'em." Before continuing on, "where was I? Number... four, that's it! Point four, be fucking practical because success is not a theory, and just get on with it! Don't be a fucking baby! Life's shit, nothing is changing 'bout that. That's rules five." Yawning, the taller shifted in this large basket to seek a decent position but with Ben's muscles taking up more than half the space themself, he opted to get off the swing and spin Ben around in it, peak intelligence to attempt to get Ben to take him seriously. "I can't be bothered to keep track of numbers myself, so when I pause, that's your call to tell me what number we're on, capishe?"

"Capishe."

"Right, what are we on now?"

"Numero seis!"

"Is that six?" Stopping the swing to catch a glimpse of Ben's nod, Gwil started again. "Okay, six, don't hang around with fuckwits. Just- just don't, not that you do, but always be careful of who you hang out with." Pushing Ben up on the swing, he elicited a high pitch squeal from the younger, who began rocking back and forth at a faster pace as he yelled

"SEVEN!"

"SEVEN! DON'T FUCKING WASTE TIME ON SHIT YOU CAN'T CONTROL, and be fucking productive early, y'know? Don't fuck around all day. There's two! Seven and eight!"

"So... nine?"

"Yeah, nine. Stop bullshitting. It's pathetic and embarrassing."

"Ten!"

"Don't, or if you already are, stop being a people pleaser. It's sad."

"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee," _breath_. "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeleven."

"Don't, or if you already are, stop putting toxic shit into your body, physically, mentally or emotionally. It's fucking stupid on all accounts, okay? Alright. Next."

"Twelve, or bonus rule."

"Stop doing the same fucking things and hoping shit will change, because if the way current things are working out are going to being you success, it already would have a long time ago, and if you need to hear these rules then it clearly hasn't done that." Stopping the swing, his blues settled on the other's greens, leaning on the ropes that held the basket up. "And I'm not saying you needed to hear that, but, perhaps it's not a bad idea to listen to them; it certainly won't hurt anyone, I can promise you that."

"This person," Ben gestured wildly. "Who..?"

"Again, you don't know them, but I trust them, and you should trust the eleven-"

"Twelve."

"Twelve fucking rules to success. Alright?"

"Alright alright alright."

"Alright Mr McConaughey, let's get outta here. You have a match to rest for!" Before they set off back to Ben's hotel, they shared a hug. A long, tight hug, a whisper of things being okay shared between the two boys. Because, even if they don't seem it right away, things will be okay in the end.

^^^^^

  
Waking up at 7:45 for any reason physically pains Ben. Litterally. His muscles ache from his rugby practice or gym every morning when he wakes up, which is just one of the reasons he's a night owl and not an early worm, but you already knew that.

So it's no surprise that the early training today and pre-match warm ups, more vigour than usual, left an even larger ache than usual coursing through his bones. The anxiety, the roughness, the spectacle of the event. So many things on his mind and yet through all the words of advice, there's only one person's words that don't leave him questioning anything

**ya.average.joe**

_Good_ _morning_ _my lovely, most handsome,_ _talented_ _,_ _amazing_ _british husband on this fine_ _day_ _of your big match!! I know you will do amazing no matter what, and by the end_ _of_ _the day everyone_ _will_ _be more proud_ _of_ _you than they are already and_ _you_ _will be so so proud and happy for yourself. Keep taking deep breaths_ _when_ _you get_ _nervous_ _and stay focused. Good luck B!!! Love you!! ❤❤❤❤❤_

It isn't much different from any other day's message. A formula of formal greeting, a bunch of positive things about him and the day, a 'wish you well' and an I love you to end it all off, but something about it being today, maybe not the message itself but the day it was sent, that makes it all that much more special.

_I've got this_ , he kept telling himself on the training field, when he got knocked down, when the ball got sent his way, during kicking drills. He's got this.

_Be fucking practical_ _because_ _success is not a_ _theory_ , he echoed Gwil's words from yesterday on the coach journey up from the training ground to the small non-league stadium, where scouts would be looking for the next 'big thing' and his long-yet-short time best mate would get to watch the consequence of months of nagging and groaning about waking up early and muscles aching.

Whilst most would consider a high-energy, fast paced song to boost moral and get yourself pumped up to be a great choice pre-match, Ben opted for the calming music, the soft melodies, the one song on repeat that makes him know it's okay. His song, and Joe's song; the song that reminds him that **although my eyes are open, they may just aswell have been closed.**

_Breathe_ , he reminded himself ten minutes prior to kick off. _Breathe_ and don't over do it. _Breathe_ , and know that no matter what, people will be proud.

_Stay focussed_ on what their gaffer (manager/head coach) is telling the team and what he has to relay on as captain. _Stay focussed_ on the crowd watching, those on his side and those against him.

_Breathe_ and look up to his family and friend.

_Stay focussed_ on them as the countdown begins;

**Five** people.

**Four** he recognizes.

**Three** of them he knew were coming today.

**Two** seconds to realize that the **one** person telling him to _breathe_ meant **zero** harm by it because he is there, cheering as the game begins and Ben needs to _stay focussed_ on the match.

For the first time since he had known the boy, Joe isn't the first thing he can think about right now, though something tells him that he will be his only thought in less than two hours when the game is **over**.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ben and Olivia are so fucking cute together like what is this shit?
> 
> But!!!
> 
> She has a ciggie too :-(K  
> And a bog roll with her. I hope she isn't collecting bog rolls :-(((K
> 
> (That was a joke. Stay safe. Love you all. Mwah.)
> 
> (Bog roll is toilet paper. I've been told this isn't a common thing to call it amongst non brits? Anyway stop stockpiling bog roll fuckers)


	15. you're half the world away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Breathe in.... breathe out.

When Joe's mother told him that they were able to go to see Ben, something in him sparked. A light in him shone bright, blindingly so, seemingly pushing all things else aside other than the fact that he gets to see, hug, be face to face with his Benjamin. Seems quite nice, doesn't it? And at least Joe knows that when his incredibly jet lagged self arrives in Birmingham, he can so some touristy, some normal, some sociable things, as he was told by his mother, who had apparently spoken to Gwil at one point...

After receiving the postcard from the mentioned crackhead, he was told about as certain instagram conversation they had which lasted more time than Gwil mentioned to him, mainly due to the fact that Joe's mom really exposed him as an antisocial, depressed fuck who needed to get out more, which includes going out in a completely new scenery that, in theory, is harder to do than going out currently. Major challenge.

**Ginnie**

_I'm_ _actually taking Joe to Birmingham soon to meet Benjamin (Ben), but_ _I_ _don't think Joe_ _has_ _told Ben yet..._

_T_ _here_ _isn't much to see in Birmingham, and everyone talks strangely, but Ben has a rugby match he is playing which will be a_ _site_ _to see..._ _I_ _guess?_

_Well perhaps you can meet us when we are there? If it isn't that far from you?_

_I'd LOVE to, BUT my parents are blissfully_ _unaware_ _I_ _talk to anyone_ _I_ _don't know in real life and they would_ _likely_ _freak out. I do plan on visiting the US when I'm in a stable enough position to afford it, but the economy, am_ _I_ _right? And I'm like, half an hour from Birmingham city centre, and that's around half an hour from where Ben's match is._

_I can talk to your parents if_ _you_ _like? What do they do?_

_My mum's a teacher and my dad's an architect, but again, they'd freak. My parents are very, very strict, LOL_

_That_ _being_ _said,_ _I_ _am going to meet with Ben for pretty much the entire time he is here, I'll just be sneaking out all the time, and_ _I_ _was planning on sneaking out to meet with Joe too, but if_ _you're_ _okay with it then_ _I_ _won't have to be so careful._

_Of course_ _you_ _two can meet! I wasn't sure what else Joe was planning to do there apart from go to this Rugby match, so if you can get him out and about that would be_ _great_ .

Thinking about it, challenges aren't so bad now, are they?

  
^^^^^

"Lucille, in your professional opinion, do I go for style, or do I go for warmth?" Holding up a (not so) stylish top and jumper combo aswell as a Levi's hoodie he got on a day trip to New York City a year ago for Saint Patrick's day.

Analysing each option carefully, Lucy made her judgement with certainty. "Well for starters, none of those are stylish or warm, but if you think you can tell the difference then go with warmth. It'll be fucking freezing over there this time of year." Sitting down next to Rami, who was reading the instructions to his new Dungeons and Dragons set he got, her boyfriend quipped a remark that ended up in a slap.

"Well at least he isn't out to dress up like a twelve year old ghost all the time."

Going back to his outfit choosing, he tried to just focus on the task at hand, which is proving quite difficult as he doesn't have the greatest fashion sense, in fact, there's no sense there; if left up to his own devices he would throw on his ripped, black jeans and a queen shirt and or hoodie, but he wasn't allowed that because Lucy said so (he had already packed an A Kind Of Magic shirt and replica of the Betty Boo shirt from Wembley '86, but you can't tell anyone or he'll get a worse thwack than Rami just got). But he can make it work. He can get it done.

He's packing so he can go and see Ben, and seeing Ben is something worth dying for, so, y'know, so is the horrible, time wasting side of things like making sure he has enough clothes and such. All for a good cause in the end. All for the benefit of the doubt.

It doesn't mean he's without worry though. His anxiety and depression isn't about to leave because he's going to see his crush but also one of his closest friends ever that he would sacrifice himself for to prove that the sky is blue; unfortunately the mind is a bit more complicated than that you see. Often enough he will find himself planning things, booking events or remembering milestones to reach so he has something to look forward to, something to live for, if you will.

It's a pathetic excuse really. He won't deny anyone saying the truth. However, it's a way if coping, no? And that's all anyone can ask of someone in his situation. If all ways of helping haven't worked and he is truly that far gone, life isn't about living, it's about coping. In all truth he is scared to live, scared to die and terrified to find go through everything between.

That's a confession he's often concluded to bottling up. I don't want to be a burden. Nobody wants to hear his problems; everytime he's ever mentioned them, nothing good has happened. Like the time he ranted on and on to his mother, and do you know the response he got? Joe that is really unfair. I've tried to help you as much as I can. That really hurts. He made his own mother cry.

With the truth.

Can he be sorry for the truth hurting so much?

Perhaps he's overthinking things. He does that a lot, usually compensating by improvising scenes with characters on the spot to word vomit to and vent, escaping from reality for those few estranged minutes of the day.

Otherwise, well, it all goes to his person.

**ben._jones**

_It's not your fault that you feel these things._

_And you bottle them up. Don't say you don't_ _I_ _know you do._

_And when you finally say_ _something_ _, you think it's your_ _fault_ _, which it's now_

_Not*_

_I'd_ _rather_ _keep my mouth shut n not make things worse_

_You need to talk about it Joseph. Bottling it up won't do any_ _good_ _._

_I've_ _bottles it_ _up_ _until_ _now,_ _I_ _can keep it up_

_No_

_You should_

_Not_

_You need to find_ _someone_ _to talk to who will listen, always willing to listen and that you trust._

_So you can_ _talk_ _all you_ _want_ _yo and it all out._

_You need to find your person._

_That's_ _you_

_Well you are_ _mine_ _, so_ _I_ _guess that works out._

_You don't have to bottle it up. If you talk,_ _I_ _will listen, and don't ever say_ _you're_ _a problem or don't want to be a burden. You aren't and never will be._

_Idk_ _I_ _feel like_ _I_ _am_

_All the time_

_And_ _I_ _know_ _I'm_ _not_

_But_ _I_ _feel like_ _I_ _am_

_You never are to me._

_And if i have to tell you that every day_ _then_ _I_ _will._

_Okay_

_Thank you_

_For everything_

_Don't thank_ _me_ _,_ _I_ _like being here for you._

_And_ _I_ _love being_ _there_ _for you_ _too_

_So please, don't bottle everything up._

_It's not good for you._

_It just seems like the world isn't good for me_

_It really is though! If nothing else,_ _I_ _want you here, so just remember that. You are going to do amazing things, you just have to get there first. Once you do, you will be so much stronger._

_You're_ _already the strongest person_ _I_ _know._

_I_ _wouldn't_ _say_ _that_

_Well_ _I_ _definitly would._

_And_ _I've_ _known_ _you_ _long enough that_ _I_ _know you don't see the good about yourself._

_But_ _I_ _do. I see the good._

_I wish_ _I_ _could see it too_

_My love,_ _I_ _will spend everyday telling you until you see_ _it_ _too because you_ _deserve_ _to see._

_I love you_

_And_ _I_ _love you._

_I'm_ _glad_

_:')_

_My husband_

_Foreva and always_

_Forever and always_

_I do love you a lot, you know this_ _correct_ _?_

_I do know this_

_And you know that_ _I_ _love you_ _beyond_ _limits, right?_

_Yes sir_

_And you can always talk to me. You never are and never will be a burden._

_I know, it just takes a lot_ _sometimes_

_Yes my love,_ _I_ _know. I just want you to know and keep reminding you that in always here_ _for_ _you._

_Thank you my love_

_It's my job_

_I like lookin our for ya_

_Out* woahhhh_

_And_ _I_ _love making sure_ _you're_ _okay too. How have you been feeling?_

_Alright! Just hanging in there._

_Nervous for the game._

_Ah_ _you've_ _plenty of time for it!_

_A week_ .

That's when he's active though. For times when he isn't, like right now, Joe just has to swan about and pray his mind doesn't get the better of him.

Not so easy as it proves.

^^^^^

"Tell me why I, the mother of a lactose intolerant child, would let said lactose intolerant child bye a big bar of choclate?"

"Because in duty free, the prices are lowered, so it's better than your lactose intolerant child eating a big bar of choclate that you paid ten dollars for when your said child could eat the same choclate for half the price!" Joe tried ever so hard to convince his mom, who was not nudging on this subject. She put the jitters down to nerves which were true but he also knew that he liked this choclate and really fancied it now. Joe's a boy for the present, face the consequences later. He knows what's he's risking but hey, why risk it for a biscuit when you can risk it for a half price bar of delicious chocolate.

His mother is better than that though. She knows when the pouting is forced and to _never give into his puppy dog eyes and excuses!_ She tells herself as the cashier scans two bars of choclate. _Damn_ _it_ _._

"Now I won't be so nervous on the plane!" He tries to convince her. Don't fall for it. He's just really stubborn. "Thanks mom, you're the best!" _And really good, and he deserves a treat sometimes!_ Her mind finds ease, bypassing the fact that his supposed trade in for birthdays and christmas presents this year is this trip to see a what... rugby match? Isn't that a big enough treat? Not for her boy. _He deserves the world_.

That is true, except for when he's on a plane.

And she knows he can't help the panic, and she tries her best to calm her boys nerves which takes a while. "The plane has an engine Joe. It's going to make some noise."

"Yes, but," giving the _are you seriously saying 'but' right now? Are you actually questioning me?_ Look, Joe carried on "it doesn't sound normal. Like, what if there's actually something wrong with the engine and it fails and we all die or get stranded in the middle of the fucking ocean! I mean-" leaning into his chair, Joe threw his hands up in surrender. "Why haven't people developed teleportation yet? And time machines? I want a tele teleporting time machine so I can go back and be a roadie for Queen!"

"And follow them on all their tours? Where they travel the globe in planes? That aren't as technically advanced as modern planes?"

"On second thought..."

^^^^^

"Joe... wake up honey, we've landed!" Ginnie slightly nudged her waking son, who opted to sleep for planet Earth on this journey so that _if_ _I_ _die then_ _I'm_ _already_ _unconscious_ _so it doesn't matter_. As he stretched in the confindments of his seat and cracked his knuckles, which will always make her shiver, he turned to his mother and frowned. Oh?

"We didn't die?"

"No Joe, we didn't die. We are very much alive."

Sighing, Joe tried to keep the "fuck" he expelled under his breath but the hearted expression his mother showed that clearly it wasn't as quiet as he expected it to be. "I didn't mean that." His voice rasped. "I swear."

Smirking slightly, whether it was out of understanding or sorrow unknown, Ginnie moved to get out of her seat, giving a hand out to Joe who didn't do much else but sit there and get dragged into the aisle, where he could not stop laughing at his own laziness. "Y'know you have to out effort into it! I give you a helping hand because you have to out some boot into it too! You can't just sit there expecting me to lift you up!" She couldn't lie, it was quiet funny, but they had to get off of the plane as soon as possible.

"I'm sorry!" He cackled, aiming to get up on his own ground now. "My body just collapsed and I'm like-" in thought for around five seconds, he soon started bellowing in laughter, having to lean on the chairs to keep steady. "Oh god this is too funny! I think I'm gonna pass out!"

"No you're just jet lagged. C'mon Joey, let's get out of here." Saying their 'thank you's to the crew and pilots as they stepped off into the bitterly cold Midlands air, Joe immediately regretted not taking a jacket with him as goosebumps rose all over his arms to keep his somewhat insulated.

Excited for what lay ahead, but ultimately very tired from the journey (yes, where he slept the majority of the time but planes just have that effect), he got the chance to sleep some more whilst his poor mother collected their baggage, _The Loser In The End_ playing on his trackliast unbeknownst to him of course. The whole malarkey of going through customs and the effort of what airports out you through meant that the mother and son duo slept like babies that night, though Joe did wake up at six am current time, just past eleven New York time.

 _Great_. He groaned internally. _My sleeping pattern is now more fucked over than it ever has been_. And that takes a lot of effort.

Usually when he wakes up in the middle of the night, he can rely on Ben to answer, but er, that's not a possibility as for once they're on the same time zone. Woah. After months of having to remember times zones and at any point in the day, what time it is in England and what would Ben be doing and now he's experiencing the same day and night as him. Well, same night. He's yet to see the sun but by the looks of the sky reddening into a dark pinkish to misty blue ombre, it wouldn't be long until Ben would wake up to go do some productive things before his match.

No, he did that yesterday... today Joe meets up with Gwil... shit, he forgot about that.

Today he meets with Gwil, tommorow he does whatever and then it's Ben's match. A queasy feeling overcomes him, convincing him that this would all either drag on forever or travel at the speed of light!... He needs to stop listening to queen. These references are getting too much for even himself at this rate.

^^^^^

He had wondered what it would be like to meet Ben for the first time for quite a while now. Will he cry? Probably. Will he gives Ben the biggest bear hug ever? Absolutely. Will he never want to let go? One hundred per cent, but it had completely bypassed his mind as to what it would be like to see Gwil for the first time, so when it happened, he found it to be more chaotic than he could have ever anticipated.

Younger by two months and two days, at a glance you'd think Gwil was really in his late teens; being the size of a fully grown man that's above average height when you haven't fully developed yet really does have advantages. They hugged for what seemed like minutes, because it did in fact turn out to be over two minutes before either showed interest in separating. The first words Gwil remarked was "my god you really do look like deaky, more so in real life!" Followed by "and you're so short!"

Consequently, Joe's opening utterance was "thanks Gwil, so caring."

Whilst they made their way down to the bowling alley, Gwil was showing Joe all the pictures and videos he had taken the previous day with Ben, particularly the one where they recreated the Titanic. "And that was like, ten or so minutes before my arm got trapped. Kind of like a 'pictures taken seconds before disaster' type thing."

"Yeah I saw that in the groupchat." Joe confirmed, nodding his head in acknowledgement and slight confusion. "If anyone would get their hand stuck it would be you, wouldn't it?"

"No," turning to face the other and push him down to face the same way so they would keep on track to the right place, Gwil stood next to the smaller again, carrying on with what he was about to say. "If anyone would get their hand stuck, it'd be you, but between Ben and I, yeah, it's me, only because Ben told me to so I did it." Stopping at the traffic lights that were still red, the taller nudged Joe to just walk anyway. "He's the danger to society, not me."

"We both know that's absolute bullshit."

With a few more turns after a long walk past a Tesla shop, they reached the bowling alley, which thankfully wasn't too full, leaving both the alleys and arcade section free for them to roam. Trading their shoes in for... different shoes, the two boys became locked into ultra competitive mode, but not for the reason you would expect. Not yet, at least.

"Mines gonna be a better reference than yours."

"Tis not!"

"Is too!"

With all the "bastards of varying degrees" nicknames, there was a conversation on the bigger groupchat about linking each person to a Queen member and acquaintance. Joe has always been and will always be paired with Deaky and the reasons are clear; they look alike but are polar opposite. Shy and quiet next to obnoxiously loud and eccentric. Can't get better than that now.

Ben, the blonde, got put with Roger, the blonde. That... that's mainly it. They are similar in other ways, but the blonde is what did it, even if Roger isn't even naturally blonde.

Gwil strikes a surprising resemblance to a young Brian May, especially in one picture Ben found of Brian in the early 60s at a guess, guitar in his hands and semi beatles haircut. It's quite scary come to think about it, and that link isn't even considering the fact that they're both lanky space nerds; Brian and his astrophysics, Gwil and his Doctor Who.

That left the two non queen stans in the groupchat, Ramalam and Lucifer. With one band member left, Rami got Freddie (lucky bastard) but the others were hesitant to put Lucy as the obvious choice, their own opinions on such matter getting in the way. They went with Mary in the end simply because their was no other option, though even she opted to not get involved so they wouldn't have to out that on her.

The aim of that was to explain why Joe and Gwilym chose Deaky and Brian references respectively when they could've easily gone for something easier and that took up less space. It's certain that they're doing the group proud though, as Ben would have more than likely put either _Rogah Taylah_ as his display name or _ReAlLy ExCiTeD aBoUt It_ , and if it were Rami then it would be _The Musical Prostitute_.

Actually, knowing Rami he would put something like _ya boi_ or _a_ _piece of garbage._

Gwil went for simple yet complicated. Easy to glance over yet advanced. Something only a Queen stan would understand and appreciate, and repping Brian May, well, he went for the only one he could considering there is a severe lack of name-friendly Brian references in the Queen fandom. "Baby B is just a theory anyway!"

"Okay, well, Brian wrote Good Company, his name begins with a 'B', he talks about his dad and his dad having Baby B dangling on his knee... Brian is Baby B! Anyway, don't try and convince me you weren't thinking about putting Sammy as your name, if you aren't already putting it down already!" He defended, taking a sip of his slush puppy, red and blue flavour, trying to hover over Joe's shoulder as he shielded the keyboard away to the other, who was oblivious to the name display above on the electronic score sheet. "Why is it taking you so long anyway?"

Aggressively pushing the _enter_ button, Joe gestured upwards to '08lane1951' smirking contentedly with his decision. "'Cos we're playing on lane nineteen!!! And Deaky was born on August nineteenth!!! Eh eh!!!"

"I know why you did it Joe." Gwil shrugged, opening the can of pringles and taking them all in his hand so Joe couldn't get any. "But it's a basic reference, y'know, like Moët or Rogerina. You'd understand them just by knowing Queen or Glancing into the fandom."

"Rogerina is broke; putting Liz is woke." Stepping back, the shorter took a sip of his own beverage (something called vimto he hasn't had before but has downed three cans already). "You're up Gwil." He nodded to the pins that had just been set up. "Go get 'em legsy!"

"Legsy?" The taller questioned whilst selecting a ball, going for a weighty medium one because he has poor judgement and in all honesty cannot bowl that well. "'Lemme guess, 'cos I've got long legs?"

"Y'know what Gwil, that is exactly the reason I said that!" Joe observed as Gwilym moved to take his hit, stepping in line with the lane. "I mean you're litterally waddling; your legs are so long you waddle like a- like a fucking duck. I swear you're ninety per cent legs, and even then your legs are fifty per cent thighs. In the end you're half thighs, twenty five per cent calf muscle, fifteen per cent feet and then ten per cent torso and head... that's like an alien that is. I can't decide if you're a duck or alien now."

"How big of a shame would it be if that when I swing with all my might and power to hopefully get a strike that as my arm goes backwards, the ball flies out of my hand for reasons I don't know, and all of a sudden, hits you in the face, and breaks your jaw." Gwilym pondered out loud, getting a middle finger from Joe who donned an incredibly cheesy smile whilst he leaned forward in his chair, elbows rested on his knees and palms keeping his head up. "Aww, you look adorable right now! Let me get a picture!"

Immediately Joe brought his knees up to his chest and hid, making Gwil turn between choosing to smile at the gingers awkwardness and playfulness or sympathize with his insecurities, something he is fully aware Joe suffers from. Everyone has their flaws, and everyone knows what things they try to hide from the public, but you could go as far as to say Joe is insecure of his life; he perceives any compliments as pity and all insults as truth, even when they clearly are not and particularly when he's the one to say it to himself.

"I'm just mucking about mate," the taller shook his head and simpered in resignation. "My phones next to you anyway." Right away, one second cowardly and the next eager with excitement, Joe picked up the phone without caution and began going through all possibilities out loud.

"Eight digits... so it's a birthday?" He read Gwil's facial expression and body language intently. "Is it a birthday? Maybe? Let's see, your birthday? No, Queen birthday... date. Live aid?" He entered it in. "Not live aid. It is a birthday, isn't it?" Shaking his head, Gwil turned to finally take his shot. "It is!! Brian's?" Attempting a second time, Joe sighed in defeat. "No... Roger's!" As Gwil turned to take his second bowl after knocking down four in the first one, he gave an unsteady, nerved look as Joe frowned. "It's not?" Even Gwil was washed over with confusion as his password is Roger's birthday, and it's not like Joe got that date wrong. Speaking of the devil, he noticed the furrowed brows. "It is... WAIT!" Not three seconds later and he was in, arms thrown up in celebration and pride radiating from his being.

"I thought you tried Roger's birthday before? Did you put in the wrong date or something?"

"Nah, I entered it the American way, month, day, year, rather than your way the first time. Stupid differences." Joe huffed. "But I got it in the end; very predictable. I'd say most people would out Deaky's birthday because it's a reference-"

"Well we know that; you used it as your name!"

"Exactly! But that's too predictable."

"What should I bet that it's your password?"

"Nothing, 'cos you're not getting my phone. Now, let's see... ooh,what's your facebook like? Who even has facebook nowadays?" Taking his second bowl and having the ball go straight through the path it took the first time, getting zero pins knocked down that time, Gwilym sat adjacent to Joe and snatched his own phone back. "No fair! I was looking through your meme collection!"

"Go take your turn Mazzello. You're too stubborn!"

Pushing himself up from his seat, Joe selected his choice of ball from his options, walking backwards with his arms outstretched and the ball weighted comfortably in his right hand. "Not stubborn, I'm determined. Rule four of getting fucking success is to be fucking practical. Success is not a theory." Getting in stance to take his shot, he looked back when Gwil asked

"How many rules are there?"

"There's like," Joe counted in his mind. "Eleven. Eleven fucking rules to help you succeed." Strike. "Whoop whoop!" He punched a fist into the air below him, spinning on his heel before strutting back to the baffled Englishman. "Rule number one, just do the fucking work. Don't be lazy!"

^^^^^

It was Joe's chance to relax and do whatever he wants (legal things. Unfortunately he can't go up and rob a bank) as Gwil takes Ben out to a park if he remembers right. It's one day until the rugby match, one day until he sees Ben and it couldn't drag on any longer. His mom says life does do that, because it's a bitch, and he knows that for sure, but c'mon! He falls asleep for three hours to try and make the day pass by quicker and it turns out he blinked.

How is that fair?

In consideration, it did give him the chance to confide in his mother about his worries and feelings, something he doesn't usually feel he has the right to do or guts to do in fear of rejection; a very rational concern over being judged for something he cannot help.

For once he found that his mother listened. He's so used to pent up emotions leading him to the compulsion to scream around the house "I can't do this. I've tried and out in my all and I can't do this and yet you keep asking me to." Ambiguity is a prevalent feature in Joe's torment as there are so many things running through his mind, being nagged into his ear, pressuring him down into the depths of hell that it's easier to umbrella term the pain that try and identify each raindrop.

But the rain doesn't ever stop falling, and at times it burns through the umbrella like acid. There's no protection. No help. No one to turn to, well, no one but Ben, who does what he can and as much as Joe likes to think that he walks on water, he cannot conduct miracles. The most he can do is let Joe know that he is loved, if not by anyone then by him, but in times like the now where his mom soothes his breathing, a hand combing through his hair to calm him down, letting him know that he is the apple of her eye, her son, who she would sacrifice it all for. Times like that where he's optimistic that he will have a future.

That there is a future beyond a week away worth living for.

And it that bracket falls tommorow, which eventually turned into today, the day he came here for above everything else.

He's aware of how the day will go because his mother told him late last night about her conversations with Ben's father, who Gwil had been a middle man between throughout everything. After all, it'd be more than suspicious to rock up in a different continent to watch a sports event for a singular person and not let that singular person's parent aware of that fact. Not even Joe was aware of these conversations, though it seems that in the end it didn't particularly matter; he's seeing Ben and that's all he wants. How he gets there is additional information.

By the time he had gotten himself ready, buried in the warmth of a thick, oversized coat he would most certainly freeze without, they were running mildly late, though they arrived on the skin on their teeth, leaving a certain three males slightly worried as to why the American's aren't there yet. Gwil told Mikey and Ben's dad that it's in Joe's best effort that he arrives fashionably late, so go expect him there somewhat on time is borderline impossible. Mikey called bullshit on that but got his ear clipped by his dad who told him to "quit acting up".

Parents got themselves acquainted with each other though previous conversations clearly showed that they could at least be called friends, talking about this and that whilst the younger ones ordered whatever they wanted from the food truck, where the worker was so mesmerized by Joe's accent that he gave them a discount. "Not too shabby Mazzello. They were playing way too fucking much for a burger anyway. Fucking pricks." Mike kicked an empty Red Bull can that was on the floor whilst eating from his crisps, burger demolished before they had even paid.

With fifteen minutes to go, they were all sat down, a compound of anxiety and hyperactivity from exhilaration shared between them all as a rush of adrenaline peaked all their senses.

Ben's dad was fully aware that this could make or break his son both professionally and mentally. Mike knows that through all the teasing and insults and brotherly hatred that he would do anything for Ben as Ben would do anything for him, and he will support his brother till the day he dies. Gwil, in contrast, had both Ben and Joe's best interests on his mind; this is all Joe wants to be happy and when Ben sees Joe he will get a wave of pleasant surprise and satisfaction, he can sense it. Ginnie was elated to see her son so happy, so giddy, smiling.

And Joe? He's spent most of the time relaying the advice he gave Ben back onto himself. To _stay focussed_ and _breathe_. _Stay focussed_ on the game and don't get overwhelmed; _you wouldn't want to faint right now, would you_? _Stay focussed_ on the team walking out, and the one person leading them out, confidence disguising his overriding nerves as he gazes into the crowd, both of their eyes meeting.

_Hi_

_You're_ _here?_

 _I'm_ _here_

He could already feel himself tensing, tearing up at the fact that his Ben, his Benjamin, is there in front of him, in front of a sizeable crowd, competing in the final tournament of a nationwide competition that he pulled through. His Benjamin did it. And if you were to ask Ben what helped get him through every aching pain and certain worry he would say the same thing every time. "Joseph. You'd love him, just like I do."

^^^^^

Having to watch a match of a game you know nothing about is painful, even more so when to one side of you are three people who are heavily involved with the game and are super fans if you will. He's aware that the most points you can gain is from something called a "try" which is basically a touchdown in his book, and there's also penalty kicks which Ben has made him uber aware of as he is deputy designated penalty taker, meaning hours upon hours of Ben's time has been taken up with technique improving drills. Endless amount of practice and training dedicated to moments like these, where Ben is put in the situation of Fly Half, or basically, the kicker.

And it's now Joe sees why this is all drilled into him.

The team needed seven points to go in the lead with two minutes to go. The left winger was heading up to score a try when it was infringed by the opposition, leading to a penalty try, worth seven points.

Tensions were high in the cross from both sets of fans or followers. Will the opposition sustain a lead from a dodgy kick or will Ben do it? As be stands there with his hands on his hips, his subconscious mind's cogs turning to figure out trajectory, angles, speed, all he needs to out this ball through the goal posts and get the points his team needs. If he wasn't stressed before, he's fucking panicking now, though that fight or flight blind rage in abolished by the want to succeed, the fear of failure, his psychology ticking and chipping away at what makes him function and the eyes of the one who helped him get here in the first place.

 _Stay focussed_ , **he breathed in** , _you've done_ _this_ _plenty of times_ , **exhale** , _this is just like the training field_ , **inhale** , _because in the end you can finish_ _up_ _and see Joe_ , **breathe out**.

The next few seconds blurred, his mind working it's mechanics to send the back flying through the posts in a textbook shot, his teammates tackling him to the deck before raising him up slightly, beverages in the stands flying everywhere in jubilation; triumph.

Joe may not understand rugby, but he knows the importance of winning, and once the referee blew the final whistle he knew that Ben had done it. He had made it. His team had sustain that close lead towards the end and won the tournament that has trudged Ben through so many lows yet has had his equal highs, right now certainly being a record high.

Everyone had to give a round of applause to the opposition, who definitely played a fair game, but all focus was on the winning team; a group of mid-late teenage lads who had pride beaming as bright as blinders on a winter's night from their chests as they hoisted up the cup, pictures for press and home usage as equally blinding, formalities taking up a lot of the time before they were allowed back into the dressing room to clean themselves up and greet their elated families, and friends.

"Oh god." Joe alarmed, all the consternation that had been hidden in anticipation for the match now exploding in a precursor panic attack. "I can't do this. I can't. I'm gonna pass out in a minute. Shit!" Turning his back to the tunnel the players would exit from any moment now, the anxious boy pacing back and forth with his hands clasped behind the back of his head, mentally kicking himself for ever thinking... whatever was clearly something very stupid to think. That's the strange thing about panic attacks, a lot of the time there's no particular reason and yet the consequences are devastating.

His mother attempted to coax him out of it, Gwil listened to the rambles on and on about self worth and why Ben would even want him there anyway, but it wasn't until he felt a lair of hands clasp his shoulders and turn him around, blonde bouffant bedhead-esque locks greeting him, promptly pacifying all emotions bar delirium and adoration. "Breathe for me Joseph."

 _Breathe_ _in_

Grasping, holding, smiling into Ben's shoulder, Joe kept a tight grip on Ben, who in turn had a hand running up and down Joe's back in a soft manner, comforting. Broken, his voice cracked as he wept "you did it! You won! I'm so proud of you Bee!" His feet lifted off the air, yelping, Ben twirling them around, refusing to let go just yet.

 _Breathe_ _out_

"Because I knew you were watching." Green's glassing over in fragility, both boys were shedding tears, a fact Gwil would tease them about later once the parents present send him the videos they're capturing right now.

_Breathe in_

Getting called out of a trance both idiots had fallen under, a hypnotizing gawk grasped the two boys, who had been separated for as long as they've known eachother. Only being next to one another through dreams and wild imagination, yet they're here. It's real. No barrier of a phone in the way, no ocean keeping the pair away; they're surviving in this moment together, embracing it whilst they can.

_Breathe out._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this is the longest time I've gone without updating this story... shit.  
> It's here now!!! And only two chapters left! Shit! Again!
> 
> They did it!! They met!!! I can hear you, don't worry, I know... fucking FINALLY.
> 
> Thank you for everyone who takes the time to read this. I really do spend so much time on this lil story and seeing comments and knowing you've enjoyed this as much as I have really makes my heart flutter and I thank you.
> 
> Please stay safe. They've finally decided to close schools this Friday which is something and hopefully we will be put on lockdown soon. In times of worry and panic, be the laughter someone needs to get through the day.
> 
> Love you all!! Love you so much! You can do this!!


	16. i've been lost, i've been found

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is 3939 words can I get a falsetto pls 😫😔✌

With all the messages back and forth between each other, detailing with precision what life would be like if they were in another universe where they lived next door to one another, actually being there, next to this boy you've not only become best friends with, but fallen head over heels for is quite the event, one no one could plan for in the end. After they had to let go out of the hug, there was an exchange of disbelief that Joe is there, that Ben won, that it doesn't matter because Joe is here! But Ben, you won!!

You can see how annoying this was for all other parties witnessing this.

Fortunately for the boys, the others were understanding though increasingly becoming impatient with their ogling. "How about we go celebrate... Pizza? I'll buy for everyone!" Ben's father suggested, earning four head nods and one loud groan of disapproval from Ginnie who was not about to let this man buy pizza for her. That being said, she's not going to deny taking all the boys out in celebration to give some extra bonding time with the internet friend. Crazy to think how of all places, that's where it started; the internet. The place most parents are fearful of their kids being and yet here she is, on a different continent to fulfil her son's wish to see a stranger he met on the internet.

Except it's less of a stranger and more of the person he admires so much that this person helps keep him alive. When you put it like that, she totally gets it.

So off they went, the six in total making their way to a Pizza Hut where Ben's dad held a toast for his son, who he was more than extremely proud of. Words just could not describe how elated he is for his son, which is why he showed the eternal love and pride by embarrassing him in front of the whole restaurant, to which Joe (the one eager at all times to fling himself into awkward situations) absolutely joined in on, echoing back "hooray!" To Ben's fathers "hip hip!" Ah, the life it would be to not care. Can you imagine it? Either caring so much or so little that it full in circles back to caring not at all and just diving headfirst into certain cringe? Actually, yes, Joe can imagine that because that's exactly his case, whereas everyone sunk lower into their seats in an almost pity.

It was here that the three eldest boys agreed on their plans for tomorrow; currently nothing but soon it turned to go on a walk, or really just hanging out and spending the day they have left with each other wisely. That's what it seemed to be from the blonde and ginger pairing, but from Gwil's eyes, this is one big set up, because he of all people know that when you're faced with two idiots, to get them to see the point you need to shove it so far down their throats that the only thing they're hungry for is one another. Not that they aren't already.

If Gwilym has his way then he won't have to put up with the frequent mutual pining both lads ramble on about. _But he says he won't love anyone._ Well, that's because he loves you dumbass. _He would never like me like that_. Fuck me sideways mate have I got this biggest secret for you! It's actually quite absurd how oblivious they are to the ongoing "I love you"s and "you're the one for me"s. Can you not read? Or do you just choose to ignore this blatant flirtation? No, they must be together at this point, they just don't want anyone to know. Who hugs a friend like they did? That's not just a hug, that was a fucking embrace.

Wait, they aren't actually together. They're just two hopeless romantics? Fuck. This is probably going to prove harder than he originally thought.

^^^^^

**The Next Day**

Rocks by the edge and trees to the right, a path was seemingly taking the boys somewhere Gwil knew but was leaving ambiguous to the others, for whatever reason he so chose. Joe spent hid time holding onto Ben's shoulder or hand whilst steadying himself on the rocks to appear taller than Gwil, though he would often slip and almost plunge face-first into the water. Ben couldn't help the grin on his face at the American's childish side shining out as he had envisioned it being over their phone conversations and texts, though nothing could actually prepare him for the ginger lad's fibre and being. That was far more overwhelming in itself, let alone his personality and attitude to add to it.

"Why are we going around a lake? I flew over an ocean. I've seen more bunches of water than most people!" Joseph complained, getting a cheeky chuckle from Benjamin and a dissatisfied groan from Gwil, probably because he used the term "a bunch" to describe a body of water. Who calls a lot of water a _bunch_? Apparently, Joe does. Apparently, that is normal. Apparently, Joe really is just _that_ guy. "Not to mention I'm from New York, which, if you didn't know, is fucking surrounded by water. Why do I wanna see water?"

"Joe," Gwil inhaled. "Mate," reaching out and placing both hands on Joe's corresponding shoulders, he looked deep into his eyes. "The way in which you say water really grinds my gears, so please, just shut up and enjoy the trek?"

"Miserable ass." Joe grunted as he jumped off the rocks like Patrick Swayze in Dirty Dancing, even doing the hip-swaying shuffle from the movie, singing, or more mumbling, the tune to _I've had the time of my life_ , whilst occasionally glancing back towards Ben and shimmying to the best of his ability. "Lift me up Bee!"

"Hold on a minute, you're the one who's been dancing like Swayze!" Ben pointed out. "Surely you should be lifting me up!"

"If I've given off the impression at any moment in time that I have the strength to lift up a human being off the ground, I sincerely apologise, 'cos that shit just is not true." Pushing his hand forward to say _stop_ , Joe and Ben halted with the latter raising an eyebrow. "Please lift me up, Benny. Please!" Pouting, pathetically at this point, Ben gave in to Joe's adorable features, gesturing _come on_ to him and preparing himself.

Okay, so it didn't go exactly like the movie, or anything like it really, but Ben did manage to get Joe above his head and lower him down into a swirl before holding onto him and going to dunk him in the lake. "Oi! Lovebirds! There'll be more time for slipping and sliding later. Shift yourselves!" They glanced over to Gwil, who was putting his phone away with a shit-eating grin plastered across his smug face. "The shit I do for matchmaking man... I should get paid for this." He grunted to himself.

Eventually, they reached a passage which Gwil told them to go into, attempting to convince them that he isn't a serial killer with the others not buying that but heading in anyways. Out from the look was a smaller, more secluded lake, with all types of flowers in a red to pink ombre scattered variously around the circumference. In the centre of the plot was a quaint bench that had clearly been there for some time yet had been thoroughly preserved throughout that time. The aesthetic of this secluded space looks how you'd expect Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds to sound like if that makes any sense, which it most likely does not.

Joe immediately took to laying across the bench like a model, posing in the most outrageous way, leaving his crush in a hysterical fit of giggles.

"Right." Turning around to Gwil, who was looking at his phone in a some-sort-of judgement, Ben understood what that kind of tone and emphasis on the word meant. To Joe, Gwilym is saying the opposite to left, but to the fellow Brit, he understands that as the knee-slapping _I_ _should have left two hours ago but you kept talking and_ _I_ _didn't want to distract_ "right" or, what the tallest lad most likely meant in this situation, the _I'm about to explain something to you two that_ _you're_ _going to dwell on as_ _I_ _sit back and smirk the shit out of life_ "right."

"Yes, Gwil?" Inquired Joe, slightly worried in the change of atmosphere that faced the trio now.

"I'm off."

"You're a moth?"

"Yes, but I'm also off."

Furrowing his eyebrows, Ben sat up more properly from his position on the bench which he had taken when Gwil first caught their attention. "Where?"

"To go get a drink; the nearest shop is at the end of the trail and takes like, fifteen minutes to walk?" Gwil calculated in his mind. "Yeah, about fifteen minutes, so to get there and back will take half an hour which gives you two just enough time to sort your shit out." Turning around, Gwil went to walk off but halted when Joe called out rather obliviously

"What d'you mean?"

Facing the idiot duo once more, he attempted to keep himself composed and not flat out laugh in their faces at how utterly stupid they both are to the painful pining they mutually take part in every. Single. Fucking. Day. "Joe, Ben is madly in love with you and has been since the day you two idiots decided to text each other; He literally forgot about time zones for you. Ben, this mad lad flew across a big fucking ocean to watch you play a rugby match; a game he knows Jack shit about. He's head over heels for you. Now I'm going to leave you two here for half an hour to go clock up my daily step count and if, by the time I'm back, you two haven't sorted your shit out," Gwil dress in a breath, shaking his head. "Then I'm throwing myself in the lake. Okay? Okay. Good. Farewell sluts."

Stunned, shocked, Joe's brain stutters, thoughts relaying to a halt, body pausing. Brooding, his body sunk into the ground, physically, he almost fell off by the skin of his teeth. Ben wanted to sink into the ground; be buried in the hottest pit available in hell, though it's understandable really. Apart from the (at least to them) bombshell, there's a severe lack of trust in Gwil, but either would admit right now that was the last thing on their minds.

Time wasn't moving in his mind, where all negative voices pitched into tormenting him, completing ignoring the side of the argument that suggested that there's no need for concern. The side that echoes Gwil's words Ben is madly in love with you and has been since the day you two idiots decided to text each other. Unfortunately wherever those echoes end up isn't within Joe's range as everything else wrong with this situation floods his mind.

Ben just wants to make sure Joe's alright; he knows that at the minimum Joe would be at the forefront of a panic attack so comfortability is his top priority. "We don't have to talk about it now." He reached out, placing a hand soothingly on the shoulder of his love. "I don't mind waiting a little longer than I already have." Once frowning, he now smiled greatly at how Joe shifted himself upwards, tucking his knees to his chest and somewhat leaning towards his direction.

"D'you want to listen to some music? I've got headphones!" Nodding enthusiastically, perhaps a bit overly, Joe got out his phone and entered deakys birthday, of course, it is, as his password, the iTunes app already opened and his "ah yes, the psychedelic one." Playlist contrasting the rest of them with its low contrast icon.

"I can't believe you actually have a playlist quoting Roger. It's amazing."

"It fits. It's better than the Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man one!" They both giggled, putting an earphone in their outer facing ears so if either of them decided to talk then they could hear. "Just skip a song if you don't like it," Joe whispered, voice caught in his throat from Ben wrapping an arm around his shoulder, effectively pushing the two closer together. It wasn't as if he was out of his comfort zone or struck by a sudden fear; he's always fearful, though now the logic has kicked in and he knows there's no reason to be. He's safe. With Ben, listening to _Traffic_ by the _Stereophonics_ ringing through his right ear, Ben to his left looking out at the water, caught in his own mind racing around hut not near so much as Joe's was.

He can handle it, unfortunately. He has learnt to just get on with it, so he did.

Turning outwards once more, head resting testingly on the soft shoulder, Joe saw how birds would fly in and out of view, being able to fly wherever they so wish. What he would give to be a bird. Free as the air that waltzes around the trees when even the warmth can't stop mother nature scattering leaves in a blissful flight, which may be as young as tradition but leave a way for new dreams; dreams to be free. Being hopeful for the future and what it holds knowing it's them against the world that they're so eager to see, but they can't because everything in their way is from times old. Oh, but to be a leaf, and even then, is the flora of the earth watching fellow and fauna and still be caught in strife?

Sounds familiar. Very, very familiar.

_We all face the same way, still, it takes all-day_

_I take a look to my left, they got the worse and the_ _best_ _..._

It baffles Ben how his Joseph doesn't see the beauty that he holds. A precious story that'll never get told, a perfect lullaby that'll never get sung, a track made of the earth which will never be run, and that's all things he knew already. He can see it now! Feel it. Pillow lips, pretty eyes, amok auburn treads that daintily frame his face; who had to sin to commit this crime? Yet he's witnessing it, right now, so close and so far. _If only the things racing in my mind_ _I_ _could_ _actually_ _speak_. There's so much they could do, so much they can accomplish, together, and they can't drift apart. _If you give me one_ _more moment_ _I_ _can be the one for you_.

But he also knows that if Gwilym made them or broke them, he has to accept the good and accept the bad.

Both transfixed in their own minds, reality running adjacent to time when Ben had snapped back the ending to Father and Son by Cat Steven's ring out.

_If they were right, I'd agree, but it's them they know_

_Not me_

Wow. Joe really does mean it when he says this playlists lowkey makes you have a crisis. Damn. Every emotion possible seems to be brought to light, cancelling each other out into nothingness.

_So_

In this moment of the new tune playing out

_so you think you can tell_

Joe leant in closer, all but subtly as he rested his entire left side of his head on Ben's shoulder.

_heaven from hell_

Braving it, Ben brought the hand keeping Joe close to him down, stroking the side of his abdomen, soothing.

_blue skies from pain_

A warmth touched his thigh when Joe shakily placed his palm, then his whole hand, upon it, whether the smaller boy was aware he was doing this or subconsciously searched out for comfort, he was both surprised with his actions yet did not budge from the coolness once he had made the move.

_can you tell a green field_

Ben took his own freehand, gently holding it on Joe's.

_from a cold steel rail_

Deep breath in, Joe exhaled into Ben's chest, accepting the situation and the reality that they need to talk and he cannot for the life of him pretend to be someone he is not...

_a smile from a veil_

...except he doesn't have to put effort into it, because around Ben, he is himself, and that makes it all the more rewarding.

_Do you think you can tell?_

"He's not wrong."

"He really isn't." A small chuckle escaped past Ben's ghostly cold lips. "Maybe putting us in this situation was a little wrong..."

"But I don't think either of us would have had the guts to say anything if he hadn't." In a way animals mark their territory, Joe rubbed his cheek along the soft material of Ben's shirt, slightly dampening it but not in an escalated way that Ben would notice. "So I'm kind of glad he did."

"Unfortunately."

An insecurity washed over Joseph when he had become aware of the tingling sensation enclosing the back of his hand, looking intently at how close and heavy it felt before catching Ben's eyes for confirmation. It's okay. We're okay. And so, with that silent exchange of upturned smiles and almost nods, he felt himself relax, stretching his limbs out yet keeping his hand steadily on Ben's thigh _like a cat_ , Ben thought. Or a tiger, perhaps a lion even. Or, above all, the cutest creature he has ever seen, who had now thrown his head back and screamed. That sounded very sexual out of context...

Without the transportation to a safe haven that music provides (his earphone fell out), Joe found all those flying emotions escaping in a scream both were sure Gwil would hear from wherever he was. A guttural bellow found it's way out of Ben at the sudden outburst, his diaphragm squeezing in amusement and rendering him incapable of breathing for a baker's dozen seconds. Wiping a tear away, he replaced his hand's position from on top of Joe's to be linked, interlaced, palms pressing on palms in security. Leaning elbows on their respective knees, one boy outstretched back and the other braced forward, Ben began to freeze the air in front of him and watch it frost as the two at this moment are. "I know we've had many, many conversations about this... subject. About how we feel, how you feel, how I feel."

Heaving in, stomach inflating, Joe held a tight hold of his locks. "I know it's not something you'd rather take into and that's fine. I'll- I'll be okay with that-"

"No, it's not true. I said what I said because to everyone in the world, I just can't believe in love, and then I look at you, read a message you sent, listen to a video you've sent me and I realize that it is out there but I never thought you'd say it back if I'm honest. I never thought I'd have that chance, but then you did say it back, and I couldn't piece it together. You clearly didn't mean it the way I did and I was going to have to live with that and I coped by pushing all means of love and affection out the window. I was, and lowkey still am, prepared to just give up on love if you didn't feel the same way," shifting so he faced more in the direction of his love, he smirked, "though something tells me now that I won't have to."

"No," Joe's eyes crinkled. "God no, that's-" waving his free hand in a dismissive manner, he settled it once more over his face in protection. "I've spent my whole time talking with you being told to find someone who I truly adore and cherish and who genuinely makes me happy and I just wanted to shout back at you that the person you're telling me to go out and find is you! But-" uncovering his heated face which now matched his hair in colour, Joe let his head fall, tilting to have Ben's stunning...ness in his eye line. "but I couldn't do that because I would get so afraid. And I'm still afraid, absolutely terrified, and if I don't stop myself now than I'm going to keep rambling and- and I'll stop now."

 _Too cute_ , Ben couldn't help but think; _I'd full well listen to him ramble for the rest of my life and whatever comes after it_. "I don't blame you. I was a chicken too."

"I still am a chicken... cluck cluck."

"As long as you're wearing socks it isn't gay." You know it's going to be ironic, of course; Ben says it with a straight face and almost no acknowledgement as to what actually came out of his mouth, though he did take notice of the snicker Joe let out, which turned into a snort when he lifted both his feet up.

"I'm not actually wearing socks." Feeling ballsy, instead of returning back to where he was, Joe placed his feet over Ben's lap, the latter taking the initiative to move their still connected hands to his chest, where it stayed. "Damnit."

"Oops," they mirrored one another in sync to look down and in the other. "I guess it's gay."

"It wouldn't matter seeming as you're my husband and you're stuck with me for eternity anyway no matter what happens." Joe attempted to keep the jokey atmosphere going so he wouldn't crumble in this vulnerable state he finds himself in despite half laying on this man, who now has his unoccupied hand on his knee, circling it so it slightly tickled but not enough that he would have to punch his way out of the situation. "Why are we like this?"

"So oblivious?" Ben confirmed. "I don't know, I really don't."

"You're supposed to be the smart one out of the two of us!"

"And you're the actor. The writer; why don't you think of an answer like this is a play or something?" Ben fired back, serious in manner, effectively changing the whole atmosphere.

Innocent, Joe's gaze searched for a second truth he would feel comfortable saying. A way of escaping this conversation but not the situation. Can he not have his own way for once? No? Fuck. "Because then what really follows just might not live up to what I want."

"How do you know that?"

"Because if I wrote the end of this-" stay focussed. "If I got my way, I could stay here with you and we'd be the greatest couple on the block... street... whatever you call it here. And the fact that I leave tomorrow tells me that can't happen." Squeezing the tears out of his eyes as he does so often when this topic crosses his mind, he found he didn't have to wipe them away. He had someone who cared enough to do that for him, and that only made things ten times more difficult. That Ben cared, and not only cared, but fully liked him back. Not just like, like like. It has to be specified so the emphasis isn't missed. This isn't a fad. It's not a dream, at least he doesn't think it is... no, no dream could cause the happiness getting to mess around with Ben like with reenacting Dirty Dancing or physically being in contact with each other would bring. This is very real, and very unfair. "Just like all good things in my life, nothing lasts."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry. This is a cliffhanger. But the chance to have a chapter at 3939 words? You underestimate my will power.
> 
> Keep staying safe! Keep reading!! Keep your mind occupied!! Need something to keep it occupied? Stay safe! Listen to music! Make a brew or have some water if that's what you can manage! Stay healthy! Love you!


	17. but i don't feel down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow... this is it!
> 
> Enjoy my loves! I hope you don't cry

Counting his luck with an immense need to feel complete, as all do but in this moment for him as to have his other half in Joe feel safe and comfortable and happy and above all, feel loved. It would most likely take some convincing, perhaps not to Joe but to his mind which is eager to disagree with the world and all its truths, though be readily open to appreciate its lies. You really have to drill things into Joe's head before he's entirely believing what you have to say, but Ben's mind was eager to challenge that, I've been saying the truth for ages! Never has he said those three treasured words and meant it any less than the first time. It's impossible to. Joe is an extremely loveable person, and an adorable one too, with an incredible sense of humour and a knack for spotting the well hidden details the average eye can't. That takes immense strength, courage and will power, for sure, so forget all of those other details if you must; Joe is practically superhuman, and with dealing with the super-people, you need to shield them from some things.

Let them enjoy the things they choose, let them ramble, even if you can equally match that love. "I've always said I've never been an actor when really I just don't have time for it nowadays with the rugby 'n all." remarked the liar... too vigour? He _has_ lied, and the truth _will_ hurt eventually, but yes that was a _tad_ _too_ aggressive. Is it lying when it's so small and for more good than bad? Well, yes, but let him explain! "I've always loved acting, going to the cinema or watching movies with my grandad, 'cos he liked 'em too. I er, I even played Mickey in Blood Brothers when I was in what, like, year eight? Yeah, three years ago it was."

"So you're telling me," Joe went on to reiterate. "that all those times I rambled on about it and cried my heart out over the drama," squinting his eyes in disbelief, the baffled boy brought his head back into his neck. "you were acting clueless, like- like a fuckin' idiot, when you knew exactly what I was talking about? Why would you-"

"Because you're way more passionate about it than I am!" interjected the defenceless Ben, who put up a wall around his idea to deject any insults or persecution it may face. "I love acting and movies but you love the arts! Seeing you so ecstatic to talk about these things makes me smile, and y'know, seeing you happy and venting about it all is so cute. I didn't want to stop you!" Leaning forward to catch a glimpse of his pout, his common sense telling him to apologise but his Ego (it is Ego, isn't it? Joe told him about this and he did do some research but it's completely blanked from his mind right now, mostly due to the fact that he's) wanting to fawn over the enchanting sulk that presented itself in front of him. "You were really excited about it," Ben quoted. "and I couldn't bring myself to stop you. C'mon, it ain't bad enough for you to mope about!"

Folding his arm yet still encased in Ben's tender hold, Joe noted. "Eh, you're telling me now though. Why's that?"

"I do got- I do 'ave a reason!" Ben stressed both in his tone and physicality. Joe has always been hot-headed; quick-witted in reason or confrontation when he feels like it. According to Rami, he did really well in a debate during a biology class when he was going to school (Rami did mention this with a touch of distaste and envy in his wording as he isn't as good with the whole debating scene... very good at dramatic interpretations though. This has been hypothesized by the two in question as to why they do so well in working together both in and out of acting. Rami can do the theory and have a different outlook from Joe's very inward and practical approach, but will bump heads with the latter without outside intervention. They fight over everything, so in the end you're bound to get the best possible outcome. Hearsay though, all things Ben has come to realise about what makes his ginger haired, batshit crazy, immensely smart love of his life such an individual in a crowd of clones. Basically, you need to be fast as fuck to keep up with that motherfucker.) "Fuck, you've made me forget where I was fucking going with that now," he rubbed his eyes, searching back through all the admiration and spellbound puppy love his brain and fired him into to try and root back to wherever the fuck he was trying to end up by mentioning what he did.

"Maybe you're just trying to excuse the fact that you're a LIAR!" the partially dismayed yet playful Joseph gibed. "I hope your father doesn't forgive you." he then muttered, trying to get it as a clever jab he could reflect on later.

Ultimately hearing it, as Joe's meaning of quiet is actually just normal level of talk, and understanding the reference, Ben huffed. "But I know you'll direct me in the right way." Ben jabbed. "'cos you'll never leave me, or at least, y'know, I'll never leave you. No matter what happens." He really couldn't help the smug, conceited smile that fell over him. Smile. ah. That's a song and a half. _Try not to cry when listening to it_ Joe wept to him after having the song on repeat for an hour. That on its own brought along it's own satisfied grin that he gets to witness such scenic acts, like something out of a realistic drama on teen life that hasn't exactly been made yet ("I'll make one. It's gonna be like... imagine Queen when they were all sharing a flat together except they're all gen zers and chaotics on a vast spectrum. And it's gonna be called High On Depression. It'll be great trust me.") Trust Joe? You'd have to be mental! Have faith in him? That's just called watching him float around in life, picking fights with random intrusive thoughts no matter how negative or positive just to get a thrill of- "Ouch! The fuck you punch me in the ribs for?"

"I hate you 'n your stupid fucking way of talking. Stop... but keep going if you do find out how you were beginning to-"

"That's it!" hands up in triumph, Ben glided half way down the bench before hoisting himself back up again, wrapping both arms around Joe and leaving a slight imprint of what would be a kiss on his collar, through the shirt. "Beginnings!" He affirmed. "Blood Brothers! S'like White Queen, innit?"

Carefully recounting the statement in his mind to make sense of where Ben was coming from, he skimmed through the lyrics audibly though not aloud to hear anything that could relate, but only realizing the sentiment once he reached the end. "It ends 'as it began'." Joe confirmed, receiving a nod in approval and slight tip asking him to proceed but he was finding it difficult to really see what Ben meant. At all. Considering he usually had some idea, this was worrying. "that's all I've got right now... my brain is fried."

"There's no ambiguity. You know from the get go what we find out in the last scene, but you still watch it with the intent to pay full attention because you want to know how it starts... that's what entices people. Think- think a book with the first page torn out, yeah?" Removing his arm from Joe's shoulder, Ben gestured wildly throughout but always fell back on directing what he meant, truly, explicitly and implicitly, towards Joe, who was completely stunned by the poetic way, like a soliloquy, in which Ben performed. "You can manage reading from the second page onwards, but there's something incomplete about it. Something that tells you _there's something here you will never know_. Something from knowing where it starts..." Ben drifted off for a moment. "Most people would say tearing the last page of the book would be more dangerous because you'll never know how the story will end but that's fine. Who knows how they'll end anyway? I'm pretty sure it's you who said that _you don't know when you're dead, because you're dead_ and it's depressing but true. I, for one, am fine with not knowing how something ends. The amount of books I've ditched halfway is countless. I'd rather be absolutely clueless about the ending than the beginning because creating your own ending can be better from the truth but not knowing your roots takes out a piece of who you are." Holding two slightly trembling hands in his own, Ben's tone turned sombre. "I'd rather give it a shot, know it all started here and not have a scooby what twists 'n turns it'll take than know that it will end with nothing when we haven't given it a chance to begin."

Thoroughly rambled out, a nice meal for breakfast created (waffle), Ben was met with an overriding sense of confusion from the listener which he would have to face and potentially answer questions he doesn't know the answers to. "What does scooby mean?" _oh thank fuck_.

"Scooby doo?" Well I fucking know what scooby doo is you idiot, he could read from Joe's facial expression and how his body language fell. "It's er, rhyming slang, y'know, scooby doo... clue. Haven't got a scooby... haven't got a clue..."

"Ah," Joe slowly but surely nodded, cogs turning and processing the information one second at a time. "makes sense now." Ben didn't really think Joe understood, but it's quite a charm that he's at least attempting to. "Yeah, that was a whole ass monologue you gave there. I could see the acting side peep through 'cos you were enunciating and that's mostly something taught. Ten out of ten performance though! Very sappy and emotional. Highly recommend you." Peppering compliments in wit and slyness, Joe didn't stop until his mind finally caught up with the tip of his tongue, "Definitely my kind of guy."

"Your kind of guy?" Both sets of eyes were left vacant and void for more than a couple of seconds, processing for one what Ben was saying and secondly, what Joe just blurted out.

Taking a needed gulp to soothe his throat of the prickly dryness that had overcome it, Ben observed how Joe's adams apple bopped, mentally tracing his way from those plump lips to the soft skin of the ginger's neck and down, before snapping back into those hazel embers, dancing a tango with one partner, stumbling over reality and imagination. He doesn't blame him... it's safe to say that both boys are struggling to differentiate what they're actually taking in and what their brain is making up. "You've always been my kind of guy, especially when you talk sense... when you talk... when y- actually you're just my type, you, specifically, hehe, please say something before I start exposing myself more so than I already have because I swear-"

"You're..." Ben caught up with his own voice, which sounded empty before he took a pause to breathe, collect himself, gather himself together from the floor where he had melted into a acidic puddle that was cause anyone who came into contact with it to breakdown in relief and angst. "You're... willing... to give this a go?" he distanced himself from Joe for a fleeting juncture, needing so desperately to relieve the adrenaline cramping itself in his core soul but wanting to keep Joe as close as is seemed okay in this rhythmic heartbeat, synchronised, they've been trapped into. In the millisecond it took for his brain to cooperate, his body let go of the hands they held to calm the clamminess but also make sure for certain that he was positive.

Can both of them be anymore idiotic? The constant need for confirmation overruns the desire that feeds it. Acceptance, in its simplest form, is to agree with or tolerate a belief or situation, and neither are willing to accept that their minds aren't playing tricks. They're consistently told that fairy tales are fiction and happy ever afters are rare yet the fact that rarity doesn't equate to impossibility and that in few cases, where two people can't be anymore deserving of pure, unfiltered happiness and bliss after whatever life has thrown at them, that they don't need to second guess everything. No, he does mean it. Yes, he is telling the truth. Come on now, this is ridiculous. Oh for fucks sake, get on with it! Patience is a virtue, but even the Governor upstairs is telling them to hurry the fuck up. It's a natural urge to detest expressing emotion, so in some way, you can't blame them, but the amount of times they've poured their entire being into a range of one sentence to an anger fuelled vent surely is a perfect example at how oblivious they, at this point, are choosing to be. They admit it! What the fuck!

"I'm nervous about it." small steps Joe took. Tiny steps to encourage him to not be afraid, and for whatever doomsday voice is clocking in his mind to be thrown, with belligerence, at the fourth wall. "I shouldn't be, but I am."

"I understand that."

"I'm afraid somethings gonna happen and what we have between us will collapse."

"How's that then?" Damn, Ben does ask the most probing fucking questions.

Huffing, letting his body drape over the backrest of the bench with the fluidity of a cat, Joe was adamant on not answering. Not because he doesn't want to say, but more... "I don't want to say."

Mirroring the action Joe demonstrated until they decided to fix themselves up and attempt this thing called being serious, Ben gave his all into seeming as sincere as he truly was. Admittingly, if you don't get to know him then you may well be threatened by his presence, but see him for who he truly is and you'll feel ridiculous for ever assuming he could do wrong! Unfortunately, you don't get that exact experience when you text, or when the barrier of a phone screen is still managing to protect you from something you really don't need protecting from, so Joe's instinct to be weary and cautious in a rightly given situation is one of the worse timings humanity has ever, and likely will ever see. Still, Ben can be one persistent motherfucker and certainly when it comes to something so natural. So needed. Something that is love; he isn't going to let that fall out of his grasp. "I promise I won't be offended of what you think; no one can help their worries and Joe, you might not believe me, but I know you, and when it's you and when it's the thoughts. I know there's a ringing in your ear and flooding you with probable outcomes that don't reflect what it will really be. All these bad thoughts- they have no reason!"

"I know sleeping won't kill me, but it doesn't mean I'm not scared of it." Joe's mind wandered. "I know you won't hurt me, won't do anything to make me upset, but there's a er, irrational fear of it. sadly."

Bear hug! That's the only way to describe the tight embrace Ben pulled Joe, his Joseph, into. Limbs captured between two chests as two large, calloused hands soothed searing circles into the small of Joe's back, gently gliding over his spine, tracing, counting each vertebrae that holds him together as his eyes saw trippy patterns in the darkness of Joe's shoulder that he buried himself into, letting and supporting his boy that fell limp against his weight. "I know," Ben maintained. "I know."

There it is. The facts. Knowing.

Something about being aware is integral to their situation. It shows that they aren't clueless at all, that they are knowledgeable to not only their own capabilities, emotions and thoughts but of the others too. There is respect. There is understanding. There is a feeling of belonging that isn't present anywhere else in the world and they know it's true because that feeling hasn't diminished from when they text, when they video chat or currently, when they're literally wrapped up around a point of contact, a point that has been so far apart yet has decreased to an atom. Above all, "I trust you." Joe mumbled, repeating it in a mantra of confirmation until he could face Ben and say, without fear, "Despite it all, I trust you with my life, if it ever came down to that... out of all things I could give you I give what is worth less to me because knowing how opposite the world seems to be from what I take it as, my life will mean more to someone than I'm willing to believe right now, but if it's anyone, I hope it's you, because I trust you. I trust you because you keep me happy, even when I'm having a chat with Satan, and I'd be a fool to deny myself even more happiness in the future."

"You undervalue your worth and underestimate it's affect on me; Joe," heaved out Ben, slightly choking back what he know would have resulted in a laugh of disbelief or a cry of hurt. Hurt that this is what Joe takes of himself and how fucking wrong he is. "Your life, to me, is more precious than the sun 'n all the energy it burns, 'cos that's a whole fucking shit tonne of fucking energy and if I had it all I would spend it telling you all the things I love about you and what you should love about yourself." A slithered glance away brings his attention to a ripple which tore through the body of water in front of him, disturbing a serenity which had overcome the surroundings despite the constant miscommunication, or perhaps understanding (which has now partially been solved, or at least is on the road to getting it fixed), going on between two love torn boys who, above all the jokes and mockery and (potential) embarrassing tears, just want change. Change from friendship to something more. You can have platonic soulmates, but this, them... if you think that's platonic then you need to clean those glasses. "You're a fool anyways. You're my fool." Ben then began to maunder. "You know that, right? You will always be my fool, so then I'll have even more of a reason to protect you, whether you're right next to me or on the opposite end of the world, you need to talk? You message me or call me and I promise I will be right there, if not like this," smoothing a hand past the moderately defined muscles of Joe's arms and chest, Ben settled his palm directly over a beating frenzy that pumped blood to the already flushed cheeks he was witnessing, "then here. No matter what, you ain't alone sunshine. Not if I've got anything to do with it."

Resting his own hand complacent on top of Ben's as what it had been earlier, Joe's mind settled. That's never happened before... his mind has gone blank, his mind has raced. The brain is an organ as people seem to forget and it very well has it's own idiosyncrasies and ways of working. If your brain ever stops then you die. That's what death is. It's also one reason why when your mind goes blank, everything seems void; you're as alive as a dead man walking. Joe gets that, don't doubt it, he really fucking gets it, too much for someone his age.

This makes change scary; it's too much of a foreign idea. When it's taken this long to manage the way he has, which is in no way close to functioning as he should, any discrepancy or logical system that would lead to change would be more than just "needing to adjust." You're asking to alter someone's entire life, the way they've developed to live (which, in itself, is a shit development). Change is scary and it's completely understandable, so to have his mind settle? Weird. To have him not freaking out over it because he feels fucking safe? Revolutionary.

Putting it that way, insinuating that this difference is the beginning of a new chapter, is false, but missing the point that this is a huge turning point is idiotic, because without this microscopic, millisecond long calmness spiked the urge for more. Need. Desire. Want. This.

Bringing the palm up to cradle his face. Leaning into the soft touch that Ben provided. Ben, who was more than willing to be led but not careless enough to ignore the tear that slipped from brown eyes.

Falling can be dangerous, especially when you're unsure of what you were pushed into or where your demise started, but that may be because you're not falling, you're flying. Being in such bliss that all the worries you consciously and subconsciously had are gone and you're well and truly weightless... why is it falling in love? Why isn't it flying in love?

Joe sunk into the exact field that made him float, handing over the control to Ben, who's fingers threaded through silky strands that finely complimented his rough hands, the one of which that wasn't already holding moving up to feel at Joe's neck, trailing his fingers at a pace slower than theirs breaths when they leant in, one piece of space at a time. One dimension to go in as even time stood still, allowing them to be as careless as they want.

Yet they still cared for the other just right.

With just enough love and tenderness to find a will in life. They are each others reason to keep going. For Joe to take care of himself and for Ben not to misconstrue what's put in front of him. Perfect; Joe is Ben's perfect counterpart as Ben is Joe's. Face to face, oxygen atoms shared in what little space they have left, they can't beat around the bush anymore... Garden's are nature's gift but you can make it your own haven if you put in things you love.

"How can someone be so fucking beautiful?"

"You should ask yourself."

"I'm not a mirror."

"Oh, Mr Mazzello! The flattery! There is no need to flirt with me sir, you already have me hooked..."

When did romance become cringey? Embarrassing? When did you have to be an adult, and do adult things, live an adult life, to know what romance is about? These two boys ain't never growing up, that's for sure, yet they're incredibly mature enough to not just rely on reflex that caused them to lean in. It certainly isn't an impulse to sense, identify the heat palpitating through the thick air, dense with all distraction and trapping energy between them. Usually being trapped is a sign of weakness. Not having power is a fault.

In reality, neither could think of anything they would rather be doing than brushing their lips together, settling, propelled to the point of merging into one. At first it's what you expect; two teens, unexperienced, untrained, high on affection, not being able to do anything else but take in the fact and heaviness all their banter, silly flirting into fucking oblivion has provided. Like unsent love letters, the message took a while to get where it needed to be, but it has rightfully found it's home now. Wherever it is just the two of them, that is home.

Ben took the initiative of making all following moves, playing his game of knowledge, not rooted from any specific skill or talent. Kissing isn't something he's done before... a lot. Okay, not in a state like this, where the person on the other side of his lips is someone he loves. Intimacy in regards to being close with a person you adore is a different ballgame to kissing for fun.

As eagerness took over and an awareness of limited time outside their own realm hit the nail on the head, the whiny noise that vibrated through Joe's throat edged Ben on to largen the gap between his own lips, bitten ones following suit as his tongue weighted into the open mouth, licking hungrily, greedy for what he can now call his own. So full of touch already, hearing heartbeats and seeing it pump through loaded veins, ignites the fuel burning for more. More. More senses switching on as he tastes strawberry, _no_ , bubble gum on Joe's own tongue which tangoed ever so well for a contemporary. Natural urges heating in his stomach, carried away in his blood that inevitably reaches his brain, telling him _**do not let go**_. Stay. Protect what is his. _Mine_.

Whilst a dominant pit engulfs Ben's cause for concern, Joe's left with no time to dwell on the embarrassment he faces from such fervent, earnest noises leaving his voice box, accompanying the laboured breathing that joins with his lover's constant inhale to keep it going, never breaking. Fuck. This is it. They are well and truly fucked from now on. How are they going to survive being apart when they won't take in a well needed breath in fear of losing this rush? Perhaps now is the time to think about it...

Imagine that... thinking... ew.

Thinking leads to over complication and unnecessary thoughts. If you don't think then you have no problem; no regard for consequence. On one side of the spectrum you have worrying so much in the bow and in the past that there isn't a concern for the future; everything is so present, so in the heat of the moment, trying to capture a good enough memory to block out all the negative ones before, if what is happening is good. Then, on the opposite side, you have worrying so much about how your current actions effect the future that you take too much caution, leaving no natural margin of error. Human's make mistakes and if you try to erase that you're not living a very natural life.

On one side you have Joe, on the other you have Ben. They have seemed to be so far apart, so distant in ideologies and hoe they perceive the world that it all comes full circle, and they meet, and boy, they are perfect for each other. Imagine it. Go on, imagine! Endless, absolutely accounted for, meaningful love, all for one human being. One person. Do you have that person? Now think about their smile, their laugh, their way of talking from accent to slang terms they use; think about what makes them _your_ person. Why is it them?

Unsure?

That's alright. I'd be surprised if you were to think of a reason.

Whoever this person is you love, make sure they know it. Make sure that with all your might, you let them know that they are loved, because it can all drift away in a moment, if you're not too careful, and to have your love gone in the snap of a finger, the blink of an eye, the sharp inhale of a breath or one beat of your heart... don't waste time. It's too late when they're gone. It's too late when something goes wrong and you can't take a chance on that. You never know when whatever mass of confidence you have will cease to be, or when someone comes back into your life after you thought they'd gone.

It baffles me how people say they are trying to understand and that they're listening yet no matter how many times you tell them something, it seems that it goes right over their heads because they always try and do something to make things worse. To scream into a void you thought was help, becoming so accustomed to keeping things away that out of Flight or Fight, you Freeze.

Don't let someone you love become a void.

No one deserves to be a void and you don't deserve that pain.

Glory ever-present yet anxiety faded, the places of contact on their lips stayed active, blood rushing into a tingling frenzy. Though their eyes were open, well, they might just as well have been closed; this frozen, near catatonic state they both had drifted into brought along the subjective nature of beauty each carried (Ben saw Joe, Joe saw Ben, and yet each of them were staring at perfection). "See," Joe braved, eyes falling from the lock in Ben's gaze to fall at the (lack of) space between them. "Now I regret it."

"What?"

"I'm going to have to go home, however many thousand of miles away that is," he spluttered, acting like he doesn't know the distance is 3,459 miles or eight hours flight time... "knowing that I won't get to kiss you or be held by you like this every. Single. Day." Puntuating each latter word with a kiss on the cheek, Joe pulled back to observe the radiating cheeks Ben tried so desperately to cover.

"Fuck you!" Ben finally got out, tripping on his word that were to be choked in his throat but the breath made it out, producing a hiccup-curse. "Fuck you for scaring me like that!"

Genuinely huffing, the ginger's diaphragm tightened in a deep howl at the sudden verbal abuse. Sure, he's been told to fuck off plenty of times, but hardly by Ben and especially not after they had just, ugh, kissed! "What do you mean?!"

"I mean," Ben breathed in. "We kiss the living daylights out of each other after throwing ourselves and all the love struck baggage that comes with us, only for you to tell me 'Now I regret it'. That's what!" Somnolent, drowsed and fatigued from the will power of the kiss, Ben let his hands collapse to his lap to be picked up by an ever amused Joe. _People really do overestimate my willpower_ , Ben goggled over internally, _they think I have some, when actually, I've spent it all on this idio_ t. He likes to call this _HA BITCH YOU THOUGHT_. It's especially evident when he'll start crying randomly because Joe MaFuckingZello actually exists and the world is _simply_ _not prepared for the power he holds_. "You're not great at timings whatsoever, are you?"

"Mayhaps that is the reason, I'll give you that," bringing one of Ben's now manually balled up fists up so he could rest his chin on it, Joe pondered, choosing which were the right words to say in this given circumstances and settling for the complete opposite. "But I just think you're extremely cute and also high key nervous about this, which is understandable. If anything, kissing you has made me realize that I am nothing but Benjamin-Jones-sexual because I will take you in any form."

Letting the soft skin Joe kept healthy rested on his fist, Ben took his other hand to guide one of Joe's to the middle of his chest. _Damn, muscles_ , was Joe's immediate reaction to it, but the thudding of a heavy heart caught his attention in an odd way. "My heart is beating so fucking fast because of you, Joe."

"Well don't fucking die!"

"I might fucking die."

"Well we all fucking die one day, just don't do it anytime soon! Not now that I actually have you!" He gripped at Ben's shirt, pressing his forehead into the joining of his shoulder and neck, breath hot on an already heated body. "Not now..."

"Now... it's official?" Parallel to the stop, drop and roll technique to eliminate fire, Joe went into his own coping mechanism; freeze, sneeze, alle...viate. Coughing, spluttering, tearing up in shock, he was renderless to Ben swanning over his distressed manor, though really this was his usual "easy way out" of difficult situations, though that isn't working now. "Fuck! Are you alright?! What- did you breathe funny?!"

"Yes Ben," Joe squinted, heaving still. "I breathed the fuck in some funny ass air there. Careful you don't breath it in either, you know what they say; too many puns ain't good for the fucking lungs!"

Snorting under his breath, turning away as he tried to mark it, Ben patted Joe on the back as he had been for well over a minute now, rubbing circles into muscles tenderly once all had seemed to calm down. Emphasis on the 'seemed'. "You didn't answer my quest-"

"Yes it's because it's official, or," a crummy crimson colour in the face, Joe waved a hand dismissively. "Whatever you want to say it as. Months of pining and breakdowns and happy times and sad times and now it's official? Which way of our many conversations and themes throughout this... fucking... since we've known each other, do you want me to ask it as?! Want me to get emotional and cry like all those nights we get all caught up on unrequited love which is actually very much requited?! Or you want me to be sappy like you never cease to fucking make me. Perhaps you'd like a little romantic gesture like the fucking Shakespearean monologue you broke into that one time, which reflecting on it, was a pretty decent signifier that you're a fucking actor!? How about-"

"Joe."

"- a joke, you want a joke? A pick up line? Hey Ben! Want a fucking-"

"Shut up."

"Epilogue written about us and how perfect we are despite not even being fucking official yet 'cos I can't seem to shut my goddamn mouth-" _I'll_ _shut it for you then you fucking eejit_ , Ben silenced his loved, weakly tilting the corners of his lips upwards, shaking his head in mock disappointment though he meant it as an unbelievable thing. He gets to shut Joe up with a kiss? The fuck?

"As much as I love your voice, you ramble quite a lot, which I also love-"

"I'm waiting to find something you despise about me."

"I could never." Combing through Joe's hair, kneading at his scalp, enjoying the way he falls blissfully into the touch like a cat being stroked, it really struck him as the simple things. People who say that you should always enjoy the small and simple thing when you can he also thought were crazy but now, what is such a tiny feature of them being next to each other now will become a complex, grandiose idea that's far off limits. So yes, please, simplicity, for the love of all things mighty! "I can't hate anything about the person I love. I can only love every single detail about my- my boyfriend."

"Your boyfriend."

For Joe to imagine his image of flawlessness, of immaculate heavenliness kept in just the eyes encompassing an elegant grace, thinking that his scrawny body and fucked up mind is beautiful seemed so foreign. It's a damn riddle, but to what may be confusing to one can be easily explained to and by another; loving someone can be so difficult yet so easy if it's left to be. No complications, no boundaries. When logic kicks into Joe's mind, realizing that despite one boy being deep into the past and the other thrust eons into the future, they share common ground in the present, where all that matters is them. _What I'm feeling is what Ben is feeling_ , he sufficed, _and what do_ _I_ _feel?_

Well, when someone loves you for who you truly are, you love yourself that little bit more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit. I'm crying myself! This has been the upmost pleasure to write and I hope it has been at least somewhat entertaining and enjoyable for you too!! Now, I'm sure I owe an explanations of sorts, so here you go!!
> 
> Internet friends are a blessing and I'm thankful and blessed to have made a great bunch of them, though 3 internet friend and one irl friend on mine just seemed to... click? Since January 19th 2019 I've known who I call my *wifey* (do you see where this is going?), my dear darling friend Emma, who lives all the way across an ocean in New York, not the city though, she's up near Canada.  
> And, y'see, I've got another one called Charlotte... she has big curly hair and so we dubbed her curly bastard. She used to be called SexyThomasJefferson, but she changed it to Cardzello last december. She lives in North Carolina, but she's alright. I have to send her Roger Taylor pics all the time to keep her from spying on me.  
> Now, not that far from me, in the mythical land of Eire, is my little irish gal, Aine. Boy is she talented. And kind. And amazing. And I love her a whole lot.  
> And just down the road from me, a person native to the sticks in the UK lives. We'll call her Lilither. See, I'm from west london, but I talk like a cockney. She talks... like a toff, and she types like it too, and I do take the piss out if her a lot for it (don't worry. I get abuse back. I've been told to fuck off back to the set of Eastenders many times!)
> 
> How we all ended up in a groupchat together is beyond me, but we did! It rooted from the Basatrds of Varying Degrees GC, the #showemmagoodbritishtime chat and before we knew it we were all in a Dysfunctional Family GC. Strange.
> 
> I'm gonna admit and say that the majority of messages were based off of actual ones that really were types by these chaotic souls; Lilither taking form in Rami, Aine being Lucy, Charlotte became Gwil and well, me and my wifey have had matching pfp since Joe posted that image, so with me being the reckless mess to her sense, it was only fitting that I got Joe and she got Ben.
> 
> This caused an issue with having to flip geography and write my problems in an american school system and Emma's in a british one, but I made it work? She's a pro swimmer, so instead of swimming I made it rugby, and this random performance Rami and Joe did was actually my mock assessments Lilither and I did before I stopped school.
> 
> Yes, a lot of this is based on real life events. Me whacking my head (dont ask), be trapping my foot, Emma magically springing it on me that she is in a play?!?!?, Charlotte did in fact message my mother and sent her a picture of herself and sent me a postcard and Aine DID send me 3 letters of written up messages from her, Lils and Charlotte. And yes, I do have them framed... go to my tumblr to see ;-)K  
> And I do add legs to my faces... I'm weird. Please excuse me.
> 
> So there we go! That's about it! All explained, all complete, and a journey I took on this mental breakdown of a book over.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who's supported this book but I really wanna say thank you to watercolourdreams who's comments and love from the start really made it possible to end. Thank you so much!!
> 
> I really hate endings and goodbyes, so I'm going to send you to a song to play which will do it for me. Love you all, stay safe, and know that you are loved.
> 
> https://youtu.be/yF10dAQYy6E


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